Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Ava’s on the phone with Delia, warning her off from visiting due to the dangerous climate in Port Charles. Paul interrupts to demand that they renew their “mutually beneficial relationship,” by which I assume he means him blackmailing her and her sleeping with him. Gross. Ava tells him to go screw, as she’s now in even more danger because of him.

Jason, Sam and Danny are having dinner at Kelly’s. She reveals that their divorce has been finalized and teases him about when he’s going to take her on a real date.

Laura’s still up in the attic trying to figure out Helena’s riddle when Liz finds her. The fill each other in on their respective recent discoveries. Downstairs, Hayden and Nikolas are continuing their confrontation about the “shocking” reveal that woman who came to town pulling a con for money is actually the daughter of a con artist:

HAYDEN: You’re hurt right now and I understand, but that just doesn’t take away all goodness between us, how happy we were together–
NIKOLAS: Do not talk to me about love and happiness! All I know is that you’re not the woman I married. You’re a stranger.

Right. Says the man who let this woman marry him while believing she had no idea he tried to have her killed. Shut up, Nikolas.

Dr. Finn comes rushing into Tracy’s hospital room, so I guess he finally got bored of meditating and checked his messages. When he finds out it wasn’t actually an emergency, he once again seems really irritated to actually have to treat this patient he traveled all this way specifically to treat.

After reluctantly agreeing to see her now, he casually reveals that the treatment he’s prescribed for her MEXICAN BRAIN WORMS only works in some patients; the others all die. Um, probably should have led with that before going home the first time, champ.

Jason offers to take Sam out that very night, but Sam needs to work on the Hayden investigation. If only she knew that Liz had already cracked the case with one Google search! Back at Wyndemere, Nikolas continues to throw out some real gems:

HAYDEN: Nikolas, I’m not a stranger. You know me better than I know myself!
NIKOLAS: No, you played me! You took advantage of me, just like you did all those people!

Yes, clearly the man who committed multiple acts of fraud and murder in order to take over his dead wife’s family company would be really outraged by the idea of corporate theft. SHUT UP, NIKOLAS.

Hayden thinks that as a Cassadine, he should understand wanting to escape the past. You’d think so, Hayden! But no. Nikolas screams at her some more. I kind of want her to murder him?

Laura remembers hearing about Hayden’s father. She and Liz recap that some of the money he stole was supposedly never recovered and speculate that Hayden went after Nikolas as part of another con. Laura worries that even this might not be enough to turn him against her, since he’s convinced himself he’s in love with her.

Liz wants to tell the cops so Hayden will be arrested. Laura thinks she’s crazy and asks if she’s forgotten that whatever Hayden has done to Nikolas, he’s done “far worse” to her. Liz’s shocked expression suggests that she literally has forgotten about that.

“Attempted murder… trumps stealing?”

Jason wants to know why Sam would do anything for Nikolas after everything he’s done. GOOD FREAKING QUESTION. Sam says that it’s for Spencer’s sake. Boy, since he moved to the Disney Channel, Spencer sure has become a great plot MacGuffin.

Tracy’s annoyed that Finn is only mentioning the whole possible death thing now. Which seems like a fair point. He apologizes and explains that in less developed countries, these BRAIN WORMS are often a death sentence, and Tracy’s case was almost left too long. Again, if that’s true, then why is he acting so blasé about actually treating her?

Liz protests that Hayden still has no idea that Nikolas had her shot. But Laura thinks the truth about her identity might cause them to reopen the investigation of the shooting and turn up new evidence. Oh, good. For a second there, I thought you might have been objecting on moral grounds, but you’re still just protecting your shitty son from the consequences of having become a massive turd burger.

Speaking of which, downstairs, Hayden finally, FINALLY lets loose on Nikolas and all his hypocrisy, and it’s kind of beautiful?

HAYDEN: You know what, that’s really rich coming from you, when you did the exact same thing to your own family! […] You lied to Sam for months. You never let on that her husband, the father of her child was not only alive but he was right on top of Elizabeth.
NIKOLAS: I was trying to protect Elizabeth–
HAYDEN: No, you were trying to protect your bank account! You were trying to hold onto ELQ. What we did was wrong, but what you did was worse because you acted out of greed. I’m just trying to have a fresh start and yet here you stand, judging me. As if you’re any different, as if you haven’t done it too, as if you’re not lying to me right now!

Well, since Sam is clearly never going to be allowed to yell at him about this, I’m glad someone is. Nikolas’ dumbfounded face when she called out his greed was especially wonderful. Girl, I still dislike you, but that gets a slow clap.

“Oh, wait, I did try to murder you, didn’t I?”

Jason and Sam bring Danny to Monica at the hospital. She updates them on Tracy’s condition and jokes that maybe Jason should take a turn distracting her. Jason gamely agrees, to everyone’s surprise, especially Tracy’s.

Laura meets Scotty at Kelly’s and shows him the book. He thinks the answer to the riddle is that he is the thing she loved and lost. Oh, Scotty. Give it up, dude. Laura gently points out that if they were meant to be together, they wouldn’t need Helena’s intervention.

Nikolas asks what he’s supposedly lying to Hayden about and she backtracks, seeming to realize how close she just came to giving up her last advantage. He storms out, claiming he needs time to think before Spencer comes back from Spring break. Hayden begs him to stay, and I deduct awesomeness points from her last speech for turning back into a doormat.

In Tracy’s hospital room, Sam compliments Dillon on the real women issue, which is apparently on stands already? Hasn’t it been a day at most since the big flier drop? I guess the magazine printer also has access to the patented Port Charles wormholes. But Sam soon gets a text from Nikolas and takes off, leaving Jason to awkwardly small talk: “So, worms, huh?” Okay, I admit it. That was genuinely funny.

Paul tries to butter up Ava some more by offering help with Kiki, but she reminds him that his own family could use his support more right now, and gives him the brush off. Good for her. Even if she it wearing a bizarrely unflattering dress.

Elizabeth comes downstairs and Hayden picks a fight with her. Liz tells her that she’s forgotten more about Nikolas that Hayden has ever known about him, which would be a solid burn if they weren’t fighting over a human trash heap. Liz thinks Hayden is just a placeholder because he can’t have Emily. Well, I’m pretty sure Saint Emily wouldn’t have him right now even if she wasn’t a ghost, so maybe a con woman is what he deserves.

Obrecht and Finn have another face-off about the hospital’s HR policies. Riveting soap opera! When she still refuses to let him treat Tracy, he starts screaming about suing the hospital over Dr. Mayes performing the unnecessary biopsy, even though earlier everyone agreed that the cancer diagnosis was a logical conclusion to make. Is this scene is supposed to make Finn look like a badass or just unhinged? I genuinely cannot tell. (Also, for real? Obrecht used to voluntarily sleep with Cesar Faison. She is not going to be intimidated by scenery chewing.)

Paul runs into Dillon and asks to see Tracy. Ava eavesdrops and then makes a phone call to a mysterious someone.

Nikolas meets with Sam and tells her everything. Sam — seemingly sincerely — tells him how sorry she is, which is freaking ridiculous. Like, okay, it is one thing to have her helping him for Spencer’s sake. It is another to act like in any universe she would give a damn about his pain or his marriage at this point. Sam, the real Sam, would be laughing in his face over this. Nikolas asks Sam to figure out if Hayden’s pulling a con on him and she agrees to help. LUDICROUS.

Jason attempts to make more awkward small talk about the hospital pudding, which sets Tracy off into a delusion where she believes he’s Edward. Jason is mildly freaked out and tries to correct her, but she goes off on a rant about family pecking order for his affections (Lila first, then Monica, Emily, Cook, “that mutt Annabelle,” Alan, AJ, and finally Tracy — sorry, Ned. I guess you don’t rate). When Jason tries to find some help, Tracy begs him to stay, her voice breaking as she says she has to get ELQ back and then he’ll finally be proud of her. OH, MY HEART. Jane Elliot is so good here. (Jane Elliot is so good everywhere.)

So Jason pretends to be Edward, calls her honey, and tells her he’s already proud of her. It’s a nice touch that because he doesn’t actually remember Edward, he doesn’t know that’s something he would never say. And because I am PMSing, I immediately burst into tears. Look, an actual conversation between characters I care about, invoking real emotion and history! It’s almost like this is a soap opera! Tracy says ELQ was her responsibility and she’ll have to go begging Jason for help, even if it costs her dignity. Jason seems moved, because he is not actually a robot. Tracy confesses that she has a secret weapon: Rachel.

Ava enters Kelly’s to meet the person she was calling. And it’s Scotty! Meanwhile, utilizing one of those wormholes, Laura’s already back in the attic at Wyndemere. I assume she saw Hayden and Elizabeth’s on-going cat fight in the living room and just NOPED right on past. I do not blame you, Laura.

Obrecht informs Monica that Finn should be cleared to treat Tracy by tomorrow. Monica thinks that’s excellent news, since he’s a great doctor. Obrecht isn’t so sure. Cut to Finn in his hotel room, shooting up with a old timey syringe like he’s a Victorian gentleman with an opium problem.

Dillon comes back in and Jason delicately explains Tracy’s having some confusion. She keeps talking about Rachel, just in time for Sam to come back — the wormholes are getting a real work out tonight! — and explain that Rachel is really Hayden.

Liz denies that she’s after Nikolas for herself and Hayden trots out all the old anti-Liz talking points: blah blah, three kids with three different fathers, blah blah, leaches off men because she can’t stand to be alone. It’s one thing for that crap to come from people who were actually here for Liz’s history, but hearing Hayden talk about Lucky like she’s ever even met him is a little much. Hayden finally goes too far by calling the boys bastards and Liz hauls off and smacks her.

Hayden is shocked (SHOCKED!) by this turn of events. I am bored again. Can we go back to Tracy talking to Edward?