Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?
Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:
ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.
I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows?
Anyway, today we were treated to Alexis actually cowering on the floor in tears between her shitbag husband and her shitbag ex, as Sonny Corinthos — that great champion of abused women — casually strolled around the house where his daughter lives, destroying furniture and threatening her mother for not immediately turning on the abusive sucking black whole of emotional manipulation she so foolishly married:
SONNY: You made your choice. You sided with my enemy against me, so this is what has to happen. Whatever friendship we had is gone. You killed it. You’re nothing to me anymore.
What a charmer! So that’s basically the death of the only relationship of Sonny’s I still occasionally enjoy. Maybe if we’re lucky, Ned and Jax can also show up and spit on Alexis while she grovels and weeps, just to cover all the bases? Escapist entertainment for women, everybody!
While we’re on the subject of favorite female characters and emotional manipulation, I would like you all to consider a world in which deciding to change doctors resulted in your old doctor confronting you multiple times to throw hissy fits and undermine you in front of your psychologically damaged child.
(Also, imagine that instead of an actual doctor this person is a completely unlicensed and uneducated former serial killer who once kidnapped your newborn child for funzies.) (HAHAHA WHAT A FUN THOUGHT EXPERIMENT!)
ELIZABETH: I refuse to be lectured on my parenting abilities by you.
FRANCO: Because I have a habit a hurting people.
ELIZABETH: Yes, you do.
FRANCO: I did. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to atone for all the horrible things that I’ve done. Somehow I got lucky, and I stumbled onto a job where I can actually help people who are hurting. Jake is damaged, he’s not unsalvageable–excuse me, forgive me–we were making great progress together before you put the kibosh on it because you’re too much of a wuss to stand up to your baby daddy and think for yourself.
Wow. I mean, seriously. There is so much to unpack here. Starting with the rather dubious claim that Franco has dedicated any of his post-tumor life to atoning for his previous sins. I must have missed that in between that time he: knifed his mother, took his fiance and a bunch of other people hostage at their wedding, stole another baby, blackmailed Olivia into free room and board and some ELQ stock options, and has also generally gone out of his way to be an asshole to Jason, even though he certainly has some major atoning to do where he’s concerned.
But never mind all that. My real question is: are we supposed to be sympathizing with this? Because I honestly cannot tell. Even Obrecht (!) called Franco out on his breathtaking narcissism the other day, but Elizabeth actually seemed to be doubting herself after being repeatedly berated, slut-shamed, and guilt-tripped with all sorts of scare tactics about how she’s ruining Jake’s life. You know, by taking him to an art therapist who maybe hasn’t recently threatened to ruin his father’s life.
Like, I’m thrilled to have Rebecca Herbst back on screen, but after a year of absolutely terrible, character-destroying stories, is it really too much to ask that Elizabeth get something to do that doesn’t involve getting negged by this greasy asshole?
Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news (because Elizabeth has been completely excised from his memory tour so far), Jason got his memories back! But don’t worry, not the icky Quartermaine ones — just the cool Stone Cold ones. How, you ask? What an excellent question!
SAM: Robin was at the crash site?
JASON: No. Robin was in my head, like that night Helena sent me here to kill you. I think she’s my way of trying to fight the conditioning.
SAM: I’m confused. I thought that was over with after the surgery?
JASON: Yeah, well so did I. I guess not. You see, the conditioning, it blocked me from my memories. That’s why I was having the flashes. My memories was intact, I just couldn’t reach them. And last night I did.
SAM: I don’t understand.
JASON: Neither do I, to be honest.
So essentially, Jason cured the amnesia* he got from hitting his head really hard by… hitting his head really hard again. And then Helena’s conditioning, which never had anything to do with the amnesia and was also, as Sam points out, supposedly removed with the chip in his brain, was somehow magically involved? But Jason overcame it with the power of love? Or something?
(*Only the most recent amnesia he got from a car accident. The original amnesia he got from a different car accident apparently still applies.) (SOAPS!)
I love how blatantly the writers got halfway through writing this dialogue, realized it was complete nonsense, and just threw their hands up in the air and said fuck it. You don’t understand, I don’t understand, Sam and Jason don’t understand, it’s fine. THE HAPPY HITMAN IS BACK, Y’ALL. Just accept it and move on.
“Finally, Jason remembers he’s supposed to
solve all my problems for me!”
In conclusion, if I haven’t been around a lot lately, it’s because there is literally nothing happening on this show that’s the slightest bit entertaining for me. But hey, the Nurses’ Ball is coming! Surely they can’t find a way to make that nothing but boredom and misery, right? Right?!