It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!
They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.
Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress.
Next up: Epiphany, who also looks pretty fabulous, and is flying solo, as Milo couldn’t be there. Abbie Boudreau wonders why that name is familiar. The fame of Milo and the Magic Wands has spread far and wide! Donnie assures her that it is very tasteful.
Anna comes in and Finola Hughes is so beautiful, it kind of hurts? Nina awkwardly announces she’s the EX-police commissioner and also keeps pronouncing her name wrong. For some reason, we don’t cut back to Robin and Emma’s reaction to watching Anna get grilled about being a criminal. Possibly because this show has an aversion to drama.
Over at the hospital, Maxie is all dolled up and runs into Griffin. Apparently nosy nurse Amy 2.0 has been gossiping about Griffin’s secret priesthood. Maxie thinks it’s a joke, but Griffin sets her straight.
Scotty, looking like a well dressed hobo, is getting ready to leave with Ava, fabulously vampy in red. Kiki walks in and wonders why he’s still living with Ava. So does Ava. SO DO WE ALL. What what was the point of that plot? I don’t think the writers even know.
Backstage, Amy 2.0 is on the phone instead of getting ready. Lucy yells at her just as Liz comes around the corner and runs into her… only to be caught by Franco. Instead of just steadying Liz, he full on PICKS HER ENTIRE BODY UP in a FREAKING BRIDAL CARRY. Even if I wasn’t throwing up in my mouth right, now, this would still be one of the most ridiculously contrived things I’ve ever seen.
Carly’s in the lobby doing some tasteful product placement for Aveeno when Obrecht walks in. My daring Liesl is wearing a very flattering maroon number and promises not to hijack the opening number this time.
Felix and Brad enter and get mistaken by Nina for a couple, but are quick to point out they’re both happily involved with other people. Donnie and Felix flirt pretty adorably on camera. Did we know he was Felix’s Canadian boyfriend before this? I can’t remember. But in any case: on-screen boyfriend for Felix! Yay! Abbie Boudreau nods her shiny head like she, too, is into it.
In come Andre and Jordan, who is beautiful in lavender, although I’m not sure how I feel about that gemstone collar? (I am sure. I don’t like it.) Nina makes a weirdly threatening comment about Jordan needing to up her game in order to keep boring Andre. Whatever, Nina.
Backstage, Franco is STILL holding Liz. When he finally puts her down, she finds her ankle’s been twisted and tells Lucy she can’t perform. Lucy sends her out to the red carpet instead, with Franco as a human crutch. Because everyone involved with this show hates me and wants to see me suffer.
Apparently, Hayden did manage to sell that teacup for enough money to buy a lot of purple sequins. She and Nikolas get waylaid by Nina, who immediately announces Hayden’s real identity. Even though Nikolas was just threatening her to show up and act like the perfect, classy wife, he’s throwing shade at Hayden like crazy here. Which makes as much sense as anything he’s done lately, I guess.
Lucas is feeling nervous and tells Bobbie that he and Brad spent the last night apart because he wanted them not to see each other before the wedding. Brad is telling Felix the same, but that he doesn’t believe in bad luck superstitions. Nothing can go wrong now! Of course he turns the corner and runs right into Bobbie and Lucas.
Lucy is out in the lobby in her bathrobe, double checking the gift bags. Carly admonishes her to go get dressed, and then gets a text from Ava warning she’ll be picking Avery up the next day. Ava, meanwhile, is getting the whole story of the break up with Morgan from Kiki. She tries valiantly not to dance a jig of joy.
Griffin explains that he’s currently on a leave of absence from the church, but he is still technically a priest. Maxie’s brought a tux for Nathan to wear to the ball, but Griffin can’t discharge him yet. Maxie’s horrified by the idea of walking the red carpet alone, but she has a solution: Griffin (who is clearly on duty, btw) can take her instead! He protests, but relents after receiving a mystery text. Sorry, Griffin’s patients! Guess you’re on your own tonight.
Andre finds Anna at the bar. She awkwardly thanks him for saving her life. They’re interrupted by jealous Jordan, who continues to be in denial over the fact that she CLEARLY has way more sexual chemistry with Anna than she does with Andre.
Lucy finally makes her way out to the red carpet (also in purple sequins and a bottom ruffle I don’t love) and gives a plug for AIDS research, aka the actual reason the Ball exists.
Ava, Scotty, and Kiki arrive, to Dillon’s obvious pleasure and Carly’s dismay. Nina informs the audience that Kiki is fully recovered from being shot during a recent illegal arms deal. And then this amazing intro for Ava:
NINA: And now arriving is noted homewrecker, Ava Jerome, along with her sleazy lawyer.
AVA: Oh, good God, who gave her a microphone?
ABBIE BOUDREAU: You look lovely, Ms. Jerome. Is this your first Nurses’ Ball?
AVA: Yes, yes it is. Thank you, Abbie.
NINA: Yes, because last year, we all thought that you were dead.
LOL, my friends. Lucy drags Ava over for a super awkward photo with Carly, who clearly has something up her sleeve to prevent Ava from collecting Avery tomorrow.
At the bar, Anna watches Andre and Jordan kiss and walks away, upset. Is she also in denial about the true target of her jealousy? Uncertain. As she stands in the empty ballroom, feeling sad about Duke, Emma and Robin make a surprise entrance from behind the curtain! Psyche! They weren’t in California, after all!
Maxie and Griffin arrive. I LOVE MAXIE’S DRESS A LOT. Winner of the night, by far. Nina makes an embarrassing scene about how Maxie is her brother’s fiance and shouldn’t be out with another man. Maxie explains that Griffin is Nathan’s doctor. I’m amazed she doesn’t also blurt out his priest secret, since everyone seems so interested.
Curtis and Valerie are next. I HATE VALERIE’S DRESS AS MUCH AS I LOVE MAXIE’S. The pink, the lace, the unflattering high necked cut. It reminds me of last year’s sugary pink themed overload. No bueno. Nina proceeds to sexually harass Curtis on camera. I mean, I understand the impulse, girl, but seriously. Calm down.
Emma tells Anna that no one else knows she and Robin are there except Griffin. So that was the mystery text he received. Robin still can’t believe Duke had a son. And right on time, he’s there!
Liz hobbles her way down the carpet with Franco’s help, and oops! She’s wearing the same dress as Hayden. Which Nina is quick to point out in a jealous snit. No offense to Rebecca Budig, but Rebecca Herbst definitely wears it better. Maxie swoops in to promise she’ll be able to find another dress for her backstage, because of course she can.
In the bar, Lucy runs into Scotty and Ava. It’s as awkward as you might imagine. Ava realizes she forgot her checkbook and heads back to the penthouse to get it. Only Carly’s already there, having let herself in with a spare key she stole from Morgan. Because I’m so sure Ava wouldn’t have changed those locks by now. Carly’s looking for the recording of Ava’s confession that she killed Connie. And she seems to find it hidden in a cocktail shaker.
Um, unless I fell into a coma at some point and missed it (which is entirely possible), Paul still has that recording and refused to give it to Ava. But even if he HAD given it to her, why on earth would she be hiding it in barware rather than destroying it immediately? So this is either a red herring or complete nonsense on every level.
Anyway, Ava nearly catches her, but at the last minute realizes she had the checkbook in her purse all along.
Back at the ball, Robin hugs Maxie and admires her engagement ring as Emma interrogates Griffin about the priest thing. I realize people don’t meet secret priests every day, but everyone seems weirdly hostile about it? Like, is it THAT strange that someone might not want to get married for whatever reason?
It turns out Bobbie and Felix engineered this run in between Brad and Lucas. They all share a champagne toast after a sweet speech from Bobbie welcoming Brad to the family and sharing how happy she is. (FORESHADOWING.)
Elizabeth reappears with a new dress and a new hairstyle, because SURE. I guess Maxie also had a perfectly fitted strapless bra in Crimson’s closet? I love that color magenta on Liz and also the fluffy floral skirt, but it’s hard to enjoy anything when Franco is in the frame and not getting punched.
They immediately run into Sam and Jason, who drops the bomb that he’s starting to get his memories back and then lectures Liz about hanging out with Franco in a really condescending way. I mean, I agree, obviously, but still: that was kind of gross. Also, I am not loving his hair. What are you doing, Billy Miller? JUST SAY NO TO GREASE.
Robin comes over and she and Jason have a nice moment as he tells her that he remembers her and their history with the Nurses’ Ball. Also, I like that the show remembered Emma and Sam’s relationship, even if their reunion is off screen.
Nikolas accuses Jason of “starting a war” between them by… following legal tax procedures for the transfer of stock. Okay, sure. That definitely seems like a worse provocation than conspiring to keep Jason from his family for an entire year. Jason says he wants peace for Emily’s sake. In the background, Robin watches in confusion as Nikolas makes more of an ass of himself. I hope she yells at him before she leaves town.
Backstage, Lucy gives herself a pep talk about keeping her clothes on and then momentarily panics that she’d had the microphone on the whole time. Hah!
She gives her welcome introduction, and then: the opening number! After a fake out that we were going to be subjected to Molly and TJ’s insipid song for the millionth time, the music cuts to… I don’t even know how to describe it, but it involves a lot of chanting and also a rap about Steve and Audrey, the monkey virus, and a weirdly upbeat reference to Tania Jones’s death. So that happened.
Lucy starts shilling for donations and publicly thanks Nikolas for his large one. Backstage, Obrecht is preparing to crash the stage for a Sound of Music review (complete with hand puppets!) when a group of male nurses masked in balaclavas appears and carry her off. I’m kind of sad we won’t get the puppets.
Carly looks at the contents of the USB drive she stole from Ava and makes a shocked face. If it’s just a sex tape Ava made with Morgan, I WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH.
Backstage, Bobbie waves the next performers on and then suddenly collapses. Oh no, the rapping was too much for her!
Tomorrow: Magic Milo! Traumatized children on stage! Bobbie maybe dying!