It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!
Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…
Sounds about right.
So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.
(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.)
Others the budget apparently didn’t allow for include: Mac and Felicia — who I guess just decided they’d rather Netflix and chill than support their family’s number one charity this year? — Ric and Olivia, which is no big loss, or any of the David girls other than Sam. (But not to worry, the previews suggest we’re getting a full house of Corinthos boys tomorrow! Just in case you were getting worried this show might not entirely revolve around Sonny for three days in a row.)
Anyway, Ned did his duty as one of the very few Quartermaines actually in attendance in an Elton John duet with Emma that went on for roughly a million years. But it also brought us the most affecting moment of the episode, i.e. that split second shot of Robin tearing up as she held her mother’s hand and watched her daughter on stage.
Call me a sap, but after being either “dead” or kidnapped for the last three Nurses’ Balls, Robin getting to attend this year and be safe and happy and with her loved ones gave me some serious feels. As did watching her watch the child she didn’t think she’d live to have back when she did her big faint on stage in the 90s. It would have been nice if we’d maybe spent more than a brief moment on that, but why waste time on legacy characters when there’s The Franco Show to get on with?
Are we supposed to know who the guitar player is?
I think what really bugs me about this plot — beyond the whole “Serial Killer with a Heart of Gold” wrongness of even trying to whitewash Franco’s history — is that it has changed the focus of the story from being about Elizabeth and Jason building a relationship with their child and working to figure out what happened to him, and made it all about proving what a Good Guy Franco is instead. I mean, Jake was literally missing long enough for police to be involved the other day, and Jason didn’t even get a phone call about it! But Franco was sure there for the search and rescue.
So of course Jake’s shitty parents just sat there and watched while their traumatized child sat frozen like a deer in headlights in front of the whole town. Of course Jake’s shitty parents thought it was a good idea to subject him to that at all in the first place! Because only Franco is wise enough to see it might be a problem, and only Franco could fix it. And I am one thousand percent not here for Elizabeth Webber getting sidelined in her own story by another terrible relationship that is all about the dude and requires her to act like she’s had a lobotomy.
In less enraging news, Kevin and Laura were also there! And that’s basically the extent of their scenes in this episode! But it was still nice to see them both, I guess?
This year, the Magic Milo contact embarrassment dance review starred Curtis, Felix, Dillon, and Griffin. Which puts us in the interesting position of having to believe Port Charles not only exists in a world where landlocked Bolivia has freezing coastal waters and a woman can spend half a year not noticing she’s making out with a man in a latex mask, but also that a Catholic priest would agree to publicly strip to benefit an AIDS charity and then sit through a gay wedding. I mean, freezing the world is one thing, but this one really strained my suspension of disbelief.
(Also, what was up with Curtis whipping out a pair of nun-chucks in the middle of the strip tease? Did they literally just ask all the actors what their special skill was and that was his?)
Special fashion shout outs in this episode go to: Lucy’s black beaded dress and Lulu’s magenta and black number:
Sadly, Lulu’s only purpose in this episode was a five second scene that made it crystal clear these writers have no idea what to do with her and Dante now that they’re happy again. Which is sad.
And finally — the GH Angel of Death struck again, and got Lucas instead of Bobbie! I’ll be absolutely furious if he actually dies. But assuming he survives, this is the most plot he or Brad will have gotten since last year’s Nurses’ Ball. Which… is also sad.
Also, was anyone else half expecting at least a one-sided phone call from Britt before the wedding? I mean, Felix as Brad’s best man is fine and all, but we all know who his one and only true BFF is, and there is no way she wouldn’t at least be lurking somewhere in a trench coat, getting drunk in his honor during the show.
Man, I really miss Britt.
Tomorrow: Dillon and Kiki perform! Too many Corinthii! Lucas might be dying! (Crap, all of that actually sounds terrible.)