Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.
At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.
Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun!
As a side note, I really wish they’d branch out a little from bad pop song covers. The OG Nurses’ Balls had all sorts of other stuff — comedy routines, dramatic play scenes, Casey at the bat! Dear Frank: next year, if this show is still miraculously on the air, save some money on professional back up dancers and just let your actors act.
Anyway, I love myself too much to listen to much of Dillon and Kiki’s number, but I even on fast forward, Dillon has never looked more punchable. Actually, I don’t know if any man has ever looked as punchable as he did in that hat/shirt combo? It was impressive.
And I don’t even know where to start with Kiki’s outfit. I was even going to say something nice about her blue dress! But then those tassels happened, and I remembered that she is the worst at everything, always. I know this pairing inexplicably has fans, but about the nicest thing I can say about them is: better than Morgan, I guess? But, like… “better than Morgan” covers such a wide swath of potential boyfriends. An actual trash heap would be a better boyfriend than Morgan. Or at least less likely to repeatedly bang your mom.
I feel like I’m getting sidetracked, but the point is: I still don’t care about Kiki.
In other news, Lucas is alive! Which would be great news for his many worried family members… if any of them other than Bobbie and Brad even knew he’d ever been in danger. But why have Sam, Julian, Carly, and the extended Spencer clan have to put aside their difference and come together in support for one of their own? What is this, a soap opera?
Especially when they were clearly needed for much more important scenes:
Have you heard about moisturizer?
Don’t even get me started on the contrivance that Amy 2.0 — whose sole personality trait is being obsessed with gossip — doesn’t remember Lucas saying he’s taking Bobbie to the hospital. Because, please.
Speaking of Amy, I know a lot of people aren’t really feeling her. Which is totally fair, since she’s terrible. But despite her one-note obnoxiousness, I was willing to reserve judgment and give her a chance to become more of a real person — I mean, we need more hospital staff, and remember how awful Britt and Brad were when they first showed up? But then she summoned Sabrina like the Kraken, so now I hate her forever.
(Apparently singing that godawful song is like saying Candyman three times in front of a mirror: except instead of just mercifully murdering you with her hook hand, you have to listen to Sabrina sing the chorus over and over again while everyone lines up to hug her like she’s the second coming and not… an ex-coworker who tried to kill a baby and then ran off with a mob hitman.)
Look, it’s that the nurse we fired for gross incompetence!
God save us all from the inevitable eruption of outrage over her arrest for aiding an abetting a fugitive, which is another crime that she 100% committed.
Maybe she and Jason can be cellmates when he’s also inevitably arrested for this?
OH NO NIKOLAS IS DEAD. I mean, if only, right? But no, I’m sure he’s fine, even if Tyler Christopher is temporarily vacating the role. Although it would be kind of great if that fall gave him amnesia and the whole town just agreed to lie to him about who he was for a year.
So that’s that: everyone was better dressed this year, but boy, were all the opportunities for actual drama and emotion squandered, aka business as usual.