Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.
But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)
hey there, dreamy mcdream face
Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried.
Drunk Nina’s startled outside of her room by a mysterious figure, who is revealed to be… Valentin! All clean shaven and dressed in a nice suit. She tells him she was distracted by thinking about her ex-boyfriend.
Franco answers the door to his studio after undoing the EIGHT MILLION locks he insisted on doing up when they got there. Because men who really want women to be comfortable with them always take them to dark, isolated rooms, lock the door, and then talk about how hard it would be to call for help.
Also, the 80s called and even they think
that shirt/jacket combo is ugly
(Men who want women to trust them also often trap them in elevators while making menacing innuendo and then yell at them for being scared. Romance of the year, guys! But I digress.)
Elizabeth is shocked to hear that there’s been another murder at the hospital and Franco’s the main suspect. Shocked, I say! I feel like someone really needs to buy her a copy of The Gift of Fear.
Chez Corinthos: Sonny and Morgan are chatting about his high powered job at the coffee cart when Josslyn runs in, ecstatic that Jax is in town. Sonny valiantly tries not to look like he just stepped on a tack. Meanwhile, over at the MetroCourt:
CARLY: Jax, you stood right there and you heard me tell Dr. Finn that I was giving up the search for Josslyn’s kidney donor. I’m respecting her wishes, I’m dropping the matter!
JAX: I heard you, Carly, but I was also married to you. Which is how I know you’re lying.
Oh, Jax. I love you.
Franco looks on adoringly as Liz attempts to give him an alibi for the evening. Until Jordan drops the bomb that he was seen in the victim’s room, carrying a vial of the same drug that killed all the other patients. Whoops.
Valentin schmoozes all over Nina about how stupid her ex-boyfriend must be. Oh, Valentin. If only you knew. They’re husky-whispering and holding hands while staring intensely at each other from a few inches away. I think it’s supposed to be sexy? But it’s just kind of weird and awkward.
Valentin helps her into her room and suddenly asks if she’s Nina Reeves. He confesses that as a poor kid, magazines like Crimson helped teach him to dream about a better life. Right. I’m sure many poverty stricken urchins regularly read Vogue for aspirational life tips.
Jason explains he was knocked out in the plane explosion that happened off-screen because this show has zero special effects budget right now. Laura explains that Kevin is sleeping, also off-screen because this show also doesn’t have the money to pay actors to just lie around pretending to be unconscious. Jason rallies everyone to go make a signal fire so any boat that passes can actually see them. I hope he also reminds them to eat and take bathroom breaks, because apparently these people are completely helpless without him.
Morgan asks Joss if she knew Jax was coming and she explains that it was a surprise and he’s with Carly at the MetroCourt right now. Sonny thinks they should go surprise him there. You know, out of the goodness of his heart! Meanwhile, over at the hotel, Jax continues to call Carly out for obviously lying about giving up the search. Carly continues to be indignant at how well he knows her.
Valentin asks if Nina knows the Cassadines. Because that’s not a weird conversation starter at all. He also introduces himself as “Theo Hart” and claims to be very boring. When Nina mentions the cut on his face from the fight with Ava, he says the person who gave it to him is “very, very sorry right now.”
Cut to Ava stating the obvious: Valentin sabotaged the jet. And will probably have sent men to follow up on the crash. Everyone else starts to look for firewood anyway, because their other option is to stay on this island forever and no one really wants to stick around long enough to meet The Others or the smoke monster. Lulu bitches to Laura that Ava knew Nikolas for two weeks and thinks she’s got a monopoly on grief. Laura can’t believe Nikolas is really gone. Neither can I! Mostly because he’s clearly not.
In a bunk bed at drama camp, Spencer sneaks a phone call and leaves a message for his father, apologizing for letting Laura in on the secret and hoping Nikolas will make it in time for his final performance so they can finally be together.
Kristina walks into the living room as Sonny and Joss are leaving. Morgan overhears Sonny assuring Kristina that he’s there for her no matter what. After they leave, Kristina fills him in on spending the night with Parker and getting caught by Sonny the morning after. Morgan congratulates her on “doubling the playing field,” but Kristina is still allergic to the word bisexual.
Carly goes on the defensive and Jax assures her that he knows she loves Joss. He says he’s afraid the truth about the kidney donor will be something horrible and asks her to promise she’ll actually let it go.
Joss runs in and tells him she hopes his business lasts for weeks and weeks. We all do, honey. But Jax warns her he’s only there for a few days. Joss just loves it when they’re all together! Jax and Sonny and Carly all make a decent effort to look like smiling at each other doesn’t cause them physical pain.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Franco tries to explain, again, why he was in the dead patient’s room. Liz looks like she’s about to vomit. GIRL, FOR REAL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? If you spend half your time with a guy crossing your fingers he’s not going to murder you… maybe don’t date that guy? Franco refuses to let Jordan and Valerie search his studio, because of course he does.
Valentin continues to push Nina for info on Nikolas. Because Nina… knew Nikolas so well? I realize this whole scene is just an excuse for a meet cute and a chem test for the actors, but as justifications go, it’s still super weak. Nina says he can drop the act: she’s onto him.
Jason and Sam have made the world’s smallest signal fire. They’ll definitely be saved now! Dante promises Jason he’ll get all the charges against him cleared once they get home. Ava and Sam snipe about the former’s willingness to help Nikolas frame Jason. Ava thinks it doesn’t matter now.
Not pictured: the campfire budget
Laura notices Lulu wearing Luke’s bracelet and Lulu finally confesses she pulled it off a skeleton in the tunnels. If I were Lulu, I would have at least grabbed a finger bone to take back for testing. But Laura’s not worried:
LAURA: It’s the Cassadines! This whole thing could be a massive set up by Helena.
LULU: You’re right. Helena had access to dad during his breakdown and she could have stolen those things and planted them on a random skeleton.
LAURA: Yes, I think that’s exactly what happened.
Oh, yes. The old “plant stolen jewelry on a random skeleton” gag. Classic! Laura does make a decent point that the clues from Helena’s will were obviously luring her back to Cassadine island, so she was probably the one meant to find the skeleton.
Nina thinks “Theo” is trying to divert attention from himself by complimenting her. They husky whisper at each other some more and then start making out. Well, that escalated quickly.
Hey, is that a Renoir in the background?!
Liz tries to convince Franco to just be reasonable and let them search his studio to show he’s got nothing to hide. He goes off on a self-righteous rant about how unfair it is to suspect him of every murder in town just because he happens to be a former serial killer who happened to be seen holding the murder weapon in the victim’s room right before she died. My heart bleeds, I’m sure. Jordan arrests him while they wait for a warrant to search his place.
Nina and Valentin have sex. (Things that actually interest me: Valentin coming face to face with his half sister. Things the writers apparently think will interest me: random sex with the first woman he sees.) (This show, I swear to god.)
Laura apologizes to Jason for basically everything Nikolas has done this past year. But she really wants Jason to remember Nikolas was a good man for most of his life. O…kay? I mean, first of all that’s kind of a tacky request to make of an amnesiac. And second… seriously, Laura? Jason’s expression answers her fairly eloquently:
Jax takes off with Joss for dinner, but not before making Sonny shake his hand. Hah! After they leave, Carly fills Sonny in:
CARLY: When Josslyn told Jax I was giving up the search for her donor, he said I was just telling Josslyn what she wanted to hear, and I was secretly going to continue the search.
SONNY: Which you are.
CARLY: I know that, but he doesn’t know that and I don’t like being called out on it!
Never change, Carly! Sonny’s wordless reaction to that was perfect. He actually agrees that Jax is right to worry about the kidney donor story being ugly, but also wonders what Jax’s real agenda is. Jax, meanwhile, is telling Josslyn that there is nothing he wouldn’t do for her. Um, that list better not include letting Elizabeth think her child was dead for four years, because that would be some Nikolas level character assassination. Especially since Liz and Jax actually share a dead child, and nothing will make me believe he’d be okay with doing that to her. Do you hear me, writers? DON’T MESS UP JAX.
Kristina and Morgan talk about boring Aaron and she lets slip that she might be in love with Parker. To her credit, even she seems to realizes that’s a little ridiculous. But then again…
KRISTINA: But… the night we spent together, I’ve never felt like that. With anyone. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.
Oh, Krissy. Honey. It’s called good sex. I know that having mostly dated teenage boys, you might never have experienced it before, but trust me. You can have it again with a lady who isn’t twice your age, recently divorced, and also your mentor.
Morgan comforts her that even if she’s lost Parker and Aaron, she’s still got their dysfunctional family. He is… almost tolerable in these scenes? It’s weird and also reminds me that the writers seem to have totally forgotten she and Michael were actually the siblings who used to be close. Does he even know about her getting kicked out of school, much less the whole Parker thing?
Sonny says that he’ll always think Jax is up to no good, which is hilarious considering the last time Jax was in town, Sonny straight up tried to murder him. But sure, Jax is the shady one here. Except of course Sonny is right, because cut to: Jax making a mysterious phone call, telling someone he made headway with getting Carly to drop the search. Goddamn it, writers. DON’T MESS UP JAX.
Deserted island: a rescue boat has miraculously somehow seen their tiny campfire on the beach. The others lead the police up to get Kevin while Lulu comforts Laura, who’s breaking down over the thought of losing both Nikolas and Luke.
Valentin leaves a sleeping Nina to pull out Nikolas’ phone and listen to Spencer’s message, smiling evilly. OH NO WILL HE KILL SPENCER?