Everything’s coming up ladies!

Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:

Parker and Kristina3

We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.

I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions!

She was in a relationship with a guy who beat her and we thought, “She’s not a dumb character; she’s not a naive character. She comes from a good family and a loving family” so there wasn’t a lot of basis and we couldn’t really move on with her until we addressed what happened.

Ah, yes. How clearly I remember watching the Kristina abuse storyline and scratching my head in confusion. “What?” I cried. “Sonny Corinthos’ daughter falling for a violent, controlling dickhead? Alexis Davis’ daughter making terrible romantic choices? How can this be!?” Except no, I said the opposite of that because LITERALLY NOTHING HAS EVER MADE MORE SENSE.

But thanks, I guess, for clearing up that non-mystery? And for explaining that only dumb, naive women whose families didn’t love them enough are abused.  (Television for women!)

Sonny and Kristina

I’m fascinated by the amount of mental gymnastics it must take to classify a career criminal who recently broke out of prison after murdering a man in cold blood as the head of a “good” family–but that’s nothing compared to the explanation for Sonny’s tolerance of his possibly gay daughter:

But I think also it made sense for [Sonny] because he grew up in Brooklyn and he grew up in a place that was a little bit more progressive; he grew up in a big city where he had exposure to lot’s of LGBT people and it didn’t freak him out.

They could easily have cited Sonny’s experiences with the Stone or the Nurses’ Ball as the basis for his attitude toward Kristina. Or his exposure to different people in the fashion or music industries through Brenda and L&B. Or just his relationship with his gay brother-in-law! I would have bought any of that!

Instead they went with: “super Catholic Sonny totes had a ton of gay friends while coming up in the mafia in 1980s Bensonhurst, that noted haven of LGBTQ tolerance and understanding.”

MY EYES ROLL FOREVER.

Parker and Kristina4

Anyway, I don’t want to seem like I’m crapping all over the only lesbian story this show has ever done. Because don’t get me wrong: I AM INTO IT. Or at least I want to be?

The thing about coming out stories is I totally don’t care about coming out stories. Sorry. Obviously sometimes they’re needed, but good lord, I am bored to death with people talking about their sexuality. What I want is to watch them live it instead. I want to see two attractive women with great chemistry thrown into each other’s orbits due to plot reasons that actually make sense and slow build the tension until they explode! (And then get torn apart by a megalomaniac on a secret island or an evil twin or–gasp–a third lesbian with even more chemistry. And then get back together. And get torn apart and find their way back to each other, etc. You know, as soap couples do.)

This show can’t even manage that with straight characters right now, so I’m not exactly holding my breath for Kristina getting past this exploratory Parker phase and finding an age/experience appropriate love interest that we’d actually get to see develop instead just hear about in endless recaps of how they fell in love off screen. But if they really wanted to, Valentini and co. already have a ready made couple with years of history and chemistry standing right in front of the camera, smiling goofily at each other any time the script even vaguely allows it:

Sizzle smile1

Sizzle smile2

SAM: Well, apparently Dr. Finn wants to see me in person. And you know that’s not a good sign.
ELIZABETH: Why don’t you call your mom and have her meet you there?
SAM: No, I can’t. She’s under so much stress right now. I can’t put this on her too. I can’t.
ELIZABETH: Okay, then, come on. I’ll give you a ride.
SAM: You don’t have to do that.
ELIZABETH: Sam, you’re… pregnant. With Jake’s little brother or sister. I’m not gonna let you go through this alone.

Listen, this makes no sense. I know this makes no sense. Literally everything about this dialog was insane. But watching this show is also literally sucking away my will to live, so you know what? I don’t care. I want my glorious frenemies back. SIZZLE LIVES!

I mean, just look at Sam’s adorable smile when Liz said that she’s pregnant:

Sizzle smile3

Sizzle smile4

In the soap in my head — which I think we can all agree is a much more enjoyable show — that is a smile that clearly says GIRL, LET’S DITCH THAT LOSER DUDE AND RAISE THIS BABY TOGETHER. No? Just me? Whatever, I’m in my happy place.

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5 thoughts on “Everything’s coming up ladies!

  1. I too would be happy for 2 female characters to fall in love on screen. It it’s not going to be Liz and Sam, then I would be happy for Jordan and Anna to fall madly in love. Two older women who suddenly find themselves falling for their best friend? I’m so there. Meanwhile Kristina and Parker have had about as many scenes as Brad and Lucas have had all year. Remember when Brad and Lucas were in a love triangle with Felix? Happy Days.

    • I have, over the years, shipped Alexis/Diane, Jordan/Anna, and obviously my sweet, sweet SIZZLE (best portmanteau that no one else will ever use, 8 years running!). None of them will ever happen, because network television. But still. The options are there!

      But yeah, I want to see people fall in love over time on screen, not hear about it after the fact. And that’s as true for straight characters as gay ones, hence the lack of interest in Sabrina/Carlos/Carlos’ twin or Kiki and Morgan or Silas and Nina or Nathan/Claudette/Griffin. I mean, those are all terrible couples for many reasons, but starting with a past love story that already happened off screen always handicaps it from the start.

  2. I didn’t have a hard time believing she’d fall for a guy with anger issues. I didn’t buy the abuse storyline because abusers pick on the weak and defenseless. I didn’t believe for a minute some rich preppy dude  would be beaten on a known mobster’s daughter. I was in highschool the same time that aired in a similar type of school as the Corinthos kids and there were rich assholes there but they knew who to pick fights with. They would’ve kept their asses away from Kristina who was surrounded by a family of gun wielding criminals. 

    I’m glad you mentioned everything I keep saying about Bensonhurst. My father lived in Brooklyn during that time. He was cool with everyone though because he used to DJ and everyone loved music but people stuck to their own type mainly back then. And Bensonhurst was a haven for macho Italian men. Noticeably half Cuban Sonny himself would’ve been ostracized.

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