So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.
(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever? And I think my brain actually exploded?)
Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)
YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE.
So to keep up my end of the bargain, I’m now about to marathon my way through sixteen episodes, girded solely by the fast forward button and this bottle of candy Cranberry liquor.
man’s best friend
Join me, friends, on this journey of discovery/pain!
Kevin and Laura are enjoying the afterglow of their night together! Well, this is nice–Oh. It’s already been ruined. Never mind.
Carly thinks Monica will be just thrilled to attend the wedding of her youngest son at the home of the man who murdered her eldest in cold blood. Of course she will! And Jason can’t imagine anyone he’d rather have as a best man than the man who once knocked up his wife and then tried to foist the baby off on him instead! (Sam wants Alexis to be her “best girl.” I have no snark about that because it is legitimately adorable.)
GENIE FRANCIS AND TRISTAN ROGERS ARE SHARING A SCENE! THIS IS SORT OF EXCITING–oh. It’s already over. But hey, Luke’s definitely alive. Yay.
Sonny Corinthos, a man who’s gotten his daughter kidnapped multiple times and who nearly blew her up in a car bomb that he set is now berating Alexis for ruining Kristina’s life by having an argument with her in public. Of course he is.
Franco can’t understand why it would be a PR problem for the hospital to have an ex-serial killer with no education or qualifications working with troubled children while a current serial killer is killing people. Of course he can’t.
(He also thinks Elizabeth would be a great character witness since she’s “known for her integrity.” I’m sure that argument will really convince Jason’s mother!)
The show finally remembered that Liz and Franco share a half-brother! Does anyone else find it kind of weird that they have never discussed this before? Especially since it’s a legitimate reason for them to interact that doesn’t hinge on the lunacy of allowing a former serial killer/child kidnapper to work as a therapist for small children?
(For someone who’s supposedly so desperate for human connections, it would be great if Franco ever showed any curiosity about either Steven Lars or Serena Baldwin. You know, two characters that the writers could bring back any time if they were actually interested in building core families back up instead of introducing endless insipid newbies with uninteresting backstories… so clearly we’ll never see either of them ever again.)
OH MY GOD, PAUL IS THE HOSPITAL KILLER–just kidding, I was totally spoiled for that. I see it makes no sense in real time either.
Something something Maxie/Nathan/Claudette/Griffin. I don’t know, I’m fast forwarding like the wind. (I assume Obrecht was the one who had the emergency porn lighting installed in the hospital locker room? It doesn’t seem like a Monica move.)
Felicia looks nice in red
I think we’re suppose to think Ava is being a bully for ruining Nina’s chance to buy a black market baby, but since Nina literally ripped a baby out of Ava’s womb, I kind of want to give her a high five instead?
Alexis is drinking with Tracy. YES, BECOME BEST FRIENDS AND COMMISERATE ABOUT YOUR RESPECTIVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN MEN. I mean, yes, slightly awkward, because Ned, but hey, at least he’s the least disastrous of all Alexis’ relationships?
Ava thinks Paul as the serial killer makes no sense. Yes. Correct.
Finn’s reaction to 1) Hayden slapping Elizabeth, and 2) the entire saga of Nikolas and Hayden’s terrible relationship is PURE FREAKING GOLD. I kind of love him now?
OH NO IS ELIZABETH DEAD? (No.) Seeing Finn and Griffin with Liz makes me wish she been seriously chem tested with either of them. Also, I really need Roger Howarth to cut his hair. Looking at it is painful even on fast forward.
Ava is not only fine with letting Paul continue to murder random innocent people, but she is actively trying to destroy the life of one of the few people she’s ever believably cared about. Compelling!
Oh, yay. It’s… Spinelli.
Why is the show putting itself into contortions to not have Monica at Jason’s wedding? It would be one thing if she was purposefully not attending because she couldn’t stand to set foot in Sonny’s house, but that would require 1) anyone on the show remembering she has a reason to be mad at him, and 2) this show possessing any sense of drama whatsoever.
Anna is apparently skipping Julian’s trial after obsessing over sending him to prison for over a year. Sure. That seems likely. Meanwhile, I am skipping all the trial scenes because I’ve already seen Alexis be humiliated enough to last a lifetime.
Franco is trying to get on my good side by making soliloquies about how INHUMANLY BEAUTIFUL Rebecca Herbst is. It won’t work, but I appreciate the effort.
true facts, yo
OH NO ELIZABETH HAS A RARE BLOOD TYPE AND ONLY HER SECRET SISTER CAN SAVE HER. I’m pretty sure no one on this show bothered to Google blood types because that’s the only thing they ever have anyone call it.
So the hospital has a serial killer knocking off patients and doctors at random and they decided now was the perfect time to hire back a nurse who was fired for trying to deliberately cause a patient to miscarry? THOSE BUTCHERS AT MERCY are starting to sound like a pretty good bet.
I am 1000% more into Hayden/Finn than I was Hayden/Nikolas or Silas/Anyone. Mostly because Michael Easton has finally found a way to bring McBain’s charming wry bemusement to a different character.
I love how everyone Morgan knows is instantly appalled by the thought of him going back to college. I also appreciate that Kiki uses Morgan as shorthand for “shitty boyfriend” — which even Franco understands is a horrific burn.
OH NO WILL MONICA DIE? (Actually, I’m mildly concerned about this one.)
Hayden and Elizabeth are shocked by the revelation that they’re sisters for .5 seconds before accepting it completely. Because this show is allergic to drama.
Webber hair game is strong
Every time Sonny lectures Julian about accepting the consequences of his actions and lightning doesn’t immediately strike him dead, another tiny part of my soul dies.
It’s great how they’ve managed to have Jason checking up on Elizabeth multiple times without ever giving them a single scene together. God forbid we see him having any memories of their friendship or expressing any real emotion toward her other than vague concern for the mother of his child! I would take even anger over this nothing.
Oof. Turns out wanting Sabrina to go away is not the same as wanting to watch her be violently murdered on screen.
This is unpleasant.
Michael had .5 seconds of decently hysterical reaction to finding Sabrina’s corpse before accepting it completely. What is up with the pacing on this show? Every boring plot point drags for months and then we get rushed emotional reactions that are over in a single episode. EMOTIONAL REACTIONS ARE THE ENTIRE POINT OF SOAP OPERA.
Anyway, his speech about how Sabrina helped him to forgive Sonny is making me glad all over again that she is DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD. TOTALLY TOTALLY DEAD.
Jane Elliot emoting to an unconscious woman: more soap than the rest of these sixteen episodes combined.
Okay, yes. Jason calling Monica “mom” totally got me. YOU GOT ME, SHOW. ARE YOU HAPPY?
This montage of Sabrina and Felix’s friendship should be moving, but it’s just reminding me of how creepy it is that both Carlos and Joe were supposedly in love with Sabrina back when she looked and acted like a thirteen year old girl.
RIP, Sabrina. You were embarrassing and then you were annoying and now you’re one less boring character taking up screen time. One down, fifteen to go!