Got a plot hole? Just call in a crazy white guy!

Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.

Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.

paul-threatens-tracy

well, that escalated quickly

Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father.  And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out.

And now, almost two years later, everyone else who was even remotely involved in Susan’s case all happened to need hospitalization for various issues at the same time, allowing him to go on a months long murder spree, which apparently no one  at the PCPD was able to solve because they’ve never heard of security cameras.

And here I was worrying the writers had no idea who the killer was and were just going to make up a last minute, poorly plotted retcon that made no sense! How silly of me!

paul-is-crazy

julian-is-crazy

the face of evil is very bland

Meanwhile, in other out of character crazy, middle-aged white man news, Julian is out of jail and he is… just… the worst…? Which is saying a lot on this show, but they’ve really outdone themselves this time.

Especially since he continues to have conversations like this all over town:

julian-is-crazy-now

JULIAN: I certainly have my work cut out for me. Getting Alexis back isn’t going to be that easy.
AVA: What? WHAT? Are you out of your mind?! Julian, you took Alexis down to the pier and threatened to slice her throat open!
JULIAN: I wasn’t myself.

Dear Julian, were you possessed by aliens? Did Satan jump out of Marlena’s glowing eyes straight up your ass? I’ll just let Alexis’ expression speak for me here:

incredulous-alexis

pretty much, girlfriend

I don’t understand what they’re trying to do with Julian at this point. There is no redemption possible for him. He’s clearly not still around because they actually care about delving into the emotional consequences of his actions, or Lucas wouldn’t still be on the longest honeymoon ever and Olivia and Leo wouldn’t be mostly off screen.

Is he just being kept around for the inevitable murder mystery when someone kills him? To make sure Alexis is as miserable as possible? To be Sonny’s socially acceptable punching bag? Are Jean and Shelly  and Frank actually delusional enough to believe there’s some way to salvage him as a viable romantic lead? WHY IS HE STILL HERE?

At least there’s some good news:

sabrinas-funeral

hey, Sabrina’s still dead!

For now, anyway. Given the frequency with which the dead rise in this town, I’m not exactly holding my breath.

She also got a better funeral than either AJ or Nikolas, which is either hilarious or pathetic, considering it featured neither a single member of her family nor her ex-fiance and beloved almost-step-daughter. But we did get this absolutely gem of a eulogy from Carly, of all people:

CARLY: Michael was estranged from his family for a good reason when Sabrina came into his life. […] And it was Sabrina who encouraged Michael to come back to his family.

Thanks for reminding me once again why I’m so happy she’s dead, Carly!

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8 thoughts on “Got a plot hole? Just call in a crazy white guy!

  1. Yeah making Paul the killer was obviously a flimsy last minute throw together-and a copout since at one it looked like it might be Andre, Jordan’s latest boytoy who is a psychiatrist and who works at GH. It so obvious GH didn’t want to make a black man the killer as planned and they backpedaled like crazy to make someone else the kiler and they reached up theiir magican’s hat aka their buttholes lol and yanked out Paul! Hey why not? He killed before and he is convenient-all they had to do was manufacture motives for each victim! But hey they forgot something-what was his motive for trying to kill Bobbie and Lucas? Tisk tisk GH…but I almost don’t care anymore if it ends this dragged out story and gets the hospital reopened.

    And yes Julian is practically one foot in the grave-it just a question of who is going to shave him the rest of the way in? Will it be Sonny who of course will keep his hands clean, waltz off scott free and wind up be revered by the town for saving them from big bad Julian lol? Will it be Ava greedy for power? How about Olivia wanting to keep him from their son (plus she’s a convenient writeoff-just let baby obssessed Dante and Lulu raise Leo problem solved lol)? How about Nina offing him so that he will not take the magazine from her? One of his many offspring that now loath him? Hey how about little Danny LOL? And of course there’s the now pathetic lush Alexis who not only almost got her throat cut by Julian but he has now trashed her legal career! Oh and btw since I have always despised Alexis the self righteous hypocritical stick in the mud, keeping him around a bit longer to torture her is my one teeny bit of true pleasure from this story LOL!

    Ok now back to the killer storyline which now seems more about avenging Saintly Sabrina than all the other victims combined. I am not mourning her with the masses (and that includes the fans out there petitioning to have her brought back ugh). While I grew to like her on some level in recent years I never worshipped her as some fans do. I still remember that ridiculous Ugly Betty into Cinderella story she had when she arrived on the scene and those oh so ridiculous swoons she did whenever Patrick so much as said hello to her as though he were a rock star. Then there was the dragged out nausea inducing romance with her and Patrick and her magically being transformed into Emma’s new mommy (which they did again with Sam and mercifully was ended when Jason Thompson left and they gave Scrubs a quick happy ending) and from there Sabrina became the wrought out tragic heroine who fell into bed and got pregnant by hit man ex Carlos (this after losing Patrick’s baby) while at the same time falling in love with her latest Prince Charming Michael Then she stupidly ran off with Carlos and regretted it only for Prince Michael and Super Sonny to charge in and save the day for her! And then just as her life was being wrapped up in a neat bow-Carlos dead, new baby, Prince Michael loving her-she sadly bit the dust. And now the entire town is mourning her, a character that was only on the canvas a mere 4 years on the same realm as if she had been on decades like Robin had been when she was presumed dead or as if she were the heart of the hospital like Steve Hardy had been. Sorry I not drinking the Kool-Aid folks! While it too bad she was offed and I might miss her for like 5 minutes I hardly rate her death as one of the great epic tragedies of GH history.

    As for her funeral eh who cares who didn’t show up? If I recall didn’t GH do this also at Robin’s funeral? They even came up with a lame ass story so her own father didn’t show despite the fact he was actually IN TOWN at the time? Even Jason couldn’t get to the church on time with all his super powers to mourn Robin, who next to Sam is arguably the great love of his life and no doubt one of his dearest friends ever. So who cares that Patrick and Emma didn’t hop a plane to show at the funeral? There were more than enough others to sing her praises-and literally sing for her when Epiphany sang You’re Not Alone Anymore at the end….which reminds me of another reason I didn’t like Sabrina-when the Nurses Ball got resurroggated the first year it got turned more into Sabrina’s coming out party instead! That first year it might as well have been called Sabrina’s Ball it was so all about her. And this past year it ended about her remember? The ending of her oh so miraculous return home to attend the Ball (even being released from jail by Jordan so she could go LOL) and join Epiphany singing her theme song and of course upstaging Robin’s poignant keynote speech which reminded us what the Nurses Ball is REALLY about. As for Carly’s dumbass comments-hey it’s Carly-she always has a knack for saying inappropriate crap and making everything about HER so what else is new?

    Anyway just put on your ruby slippers, tap your feet three times and say to yourself “this crappy story will soon end….this crappy story will soon….this crappy story will soon end…” regardng Paul and the serial killer story.

    Oh and one last laugh-isn’t it hilarious that in just 2 days of being back Anna figured out he’s the killer when the entire town couldn’t put crap together while she was gone? This just proves out bad we need Anna back as Commissioner and Jordan either ousted or demoted. And if I dare wish bigger, since Y&R is wasting Tristan Rogers so much, how about luring him back to GH for good instead of quick visits once in a while and have him and Anna fight the crime of GH? Oh how one dares to dream!

    Jenny

  2. Why is Julian still here? How about so Morgan can kill him (or attempt to) when he flies into a manic rage and gets carted off to either Pentonville or Shadybrook so Bryan Craig can leave the show?

    Nope, not spoiled, just reading the signs and making an educated guess.

  3. Oh, and I’m so thankful for this reprieve from Saint Sabrina! (I say reprieve because it’s only a matter of time before they find some way to resurrect her.) Never got this show’s obsession with her or her appeal to fans.

    • As was Mac before Anna. It’s a necessary tradition so that characters like Sonny who should be written as criminals can be put in the position of solving all the crimes in PC for an inept PCPD. It was like that under Bob Guza throwing Super Jaysus in the mix and so it’ll be like that again. So many otherwise good characters had to be rewritten and thrown on the pyre to prop up Super Sonny, his devoted earth mother bride Carly and Sonny’s partner, St. Jaysus.

  4. I can’t believe THIS is what they came up with. Hell, I can’t believe they started a serial killer s/l without a killer! Jean and Shelly are terrible. I’m grateful as hell for Friz (aka the reason I watch), but no matter how much I’m enjoying them, they need to bring on a writer who actually knows what they’re doing. They just reupped their contract so clearly they’re not going anywhere, but they need help. And they do better on a team rather than lead the show, imo. Not that stating this will change anything. :(

    Great post as always!

  5. Nothing about this story line ever made sense. So we’re supposed to believe that Susan Hornsby was in Port Charles for some reason, met Kyle Sloan who was also in PC for some reason, he raped her and all these people bungled the investigation. Why was a neurosurgeon in the ER doing a rape kit? Why wouldn’t Paul have tried to kill Mac since I’m assuming that Mac was police commissioner when this all went down. The only thing about this story line that is believable is that Paul would do anything for Susan. When he first came on the show, he was forced to marry Tracy for reasons by the cartel, to protect Susan from their nefarious clutches. I totally forgot that he actually knew Sean Donely. I wish the writers had spent more time reading about his background before they wrote him back into the show. Apparently he hired Mac back in the day to sabotage an ELQ ship. But Mac who supposedly owns the Floating Rib, is nowhere to be found these days.

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