Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.
Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.
well, that escalated quickly
Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father. And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out.
And now, almost two years later, everyone else who was even remotely involved in Susan’s case all happened to need hospitalization for various issues at the same time, allowing him to go on a months long murder spree, which apparently no one at the PCPD was able to solve because they’ve never heard of security cameras.
And here I was worrying the writers had no idea who the killer was and were just going to make up a last minute, poorly plotted retcon that made no sense! How silly of me!
the face of evil is very bland
Meanwhile, in other out of character crazy, middle-aged white man news, Julian is out of jail and he is… just… the worst…? Which is saying a lot on this show, but they’ve really outdone themselves this time.
Especially since he continues to have conversations like this all over town:
JULIAN: I certainly have my work cut out for me. Getting Alexis back isn’t going to be that easy.
AVA: What? WHAT? Are you out of your mind?! Julian, you took Alexis down to the pier and threatened to slice her throat open!
JULIAN: I wasn’t myself.
Dear Julian, were you possessed by aliens? Did Satan jump out of Marlena’s glowing eyes straight up your ass? I’ll just let Alexis’ expression speak for me here:
pretty much, girlfriend
I don’t understand what they’re trying to do with Julian at this point. There is no redemption possible for him. He’s clearly not still around because they actually care about delving into the emotional consequences of his actions, or Lucas wouldn’t still be on the longest honeymoon ever and Olivia and Leo wouldn’t be mostly off screen.
Is he just being kept around for the inevitable murder mystery when someone kills him? To make sure Alexis is as miserable as possible? To be Sonny’s socially acceptable punching bag? Are Jean and Shelly and Frank actually delusional enough to believe there’s some way to salvage him as a viable romantic lead? WHY IS HE STILL HERE?
At least there’s some good news:
hey, Sabrina’s still dead!
For now, anyway. Given the frequency with which the dead rise in this town, I’m not exactly holding my breath.
She also got a better funeral than either AJ or Nikolas, which is either hilarious or pathetic, considering it featured neither a single member of her family nor her ex-fiance and beloved almost-step-daughter. But we did get this absolutely gem of a eulogy from Carly, of all people:
CARLY: Michael was estranged from his family for a good reason when Sabrina came into his life. […] And it was Sabrina who encouraged Michael to come back to his family.
Thanks for reminding me once again why I’m so happy she’s dead, Carly!