Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed.

Jordan and Andre are at the MetroCourt talking about how both of them need to go to Morgan’s funeral. Which is obviously why they’re at a restaurant while all the other mourners are arriving at the church already. I guess they’re planning to be fashionably late? Julian wanders over to ask why Jordan isn’t just arresting Sonny for the hit, since everyone knows he’s guilty. Uh oh. Did anyone else feel that anvil just whiz by?

At the church, Jax gives Sonny sincere condolences about Morgan, which Sonny accepts with surprising grace. By which I mean that they share the most awkward physical interaction between two men with barely concealed loathing for each other since this happened.

jax-sonny-hug

just lie back and think of England, Jax

Since he knows Sonny can’t possibly be happy to see him, Jax immediately figures out Sonny’s got a gun tucked in his pants. Oops.

Kristina accuses Carly of bringing Jax to the funeral to punish Sonny. Because when Krissy goes full apologist, she goes FULL APOLOGIST. Carly gently points out that Jax is there to support his daughter, who was also Morgan’s brother. She does not also smack the sanctimony off Kristina’s face, because apparently Carly is in a better mood than I am right now.

Outside the church, MOLLY GOT A CUTE HAIRCUT, Y’ALL! This is very exciting for me, because I hate the uniform look of all tv women’s hair over the last decade and long for cute bobs to make a resurgence.

mollys-cute-hair

DAVIS HAIR REPRESENT

Anyway, Molly is hoping this is all just a nightmare she’s about to wake up from. Me too, Molly! Oh, she means Morgan, not US politics. Alexis wants to know where Jason is. Sam says he has business to take care of. Which means he’s interrogating the broker responsible for the hit on Julian because GOD FORBID we ever let Sonny feel bad about something for more than five minutes.

This effing show.

Elizabeth explains that because Baker was never convicted of raping her, her victim impact statement didn’t hold as much weight. He’ll soon be staying with his brother in Port Charles. Franco promises that he won’t let him hurt her again. I’m so glad they’ve decided to combine one of the best rape stories this show ever did with one of the worst!

anna-and-dante

quick, think of something nice to say!

At the church, Anna tells Dante that she wishes she’d gotten to know Morgan better, which is something that no one who’d ever spent more than a minute in his presence could possibly mean. But good on her for trying! Also, apparently Robin is already gone again, and didn’t bother to warn anyone that Sonny was suicidal before she went. That seems responsible.

Kiki has shown up outside the church in what looks like an incredibly short skirt for a funeral. But since this is Morgan, it’s probably appropriate. She’s waffling about whether or not to go in, but Dillon arrives as she’s turning to leave.

Josslyn and Molly are praying together, even though neither of them is particularly religious. I wish this was OG Children of the Corn Joss instead of this bland tween who cannot act, but it is nice to see them interacting, I guess.

molly-and-josslyn

Kristina is STILL being an asshole about Jax having the nerve to attend the funeral of the step-son he largely raised. Carly is still not smacking her for some reason I cannot fathom. Bobbie and Michael’s arrival breaks things up. Evil Nelle lurks in the background, fondling Sonny’s mystery letter.

Jax wants Sonny to give him the gun for his family’s sake, but Sonny tells him his family “won’t have to worry about him for much longer.” Wow. This just in: Sonny is REALLY not good at keeping his secret suicide plans on the down low.

Julian tells Jordan that he hired Curtis to investigate the case. Jordan blusters at Curtis. Meanwhile, over at Sonny’s house, Jason threatens the assassination broker guy while wearing his funeral suit. It does not feel particularly menacing, but assassin broker guy is a weenie, so he’s probably going to fold.

francos-hair-pains-me

See what I mean about the hair???

Elizabeth is begging Franco not to do anything to her rapist when Finn rushes in with Hayden in his arms, needing immediate treatment for sepsis. Liz is understandably surprised by this development.

Griffin and Anna fill Dante and Lulu in on the newest chapter in Charlotte’s never-ending Who’s the Daddy saga. They think Valentin being the father explains all of Claudette’s lies, but… not really? I mean, why couldn’t she just have told Nathan the entire truth from the beginning?

Nelle gives Carly a pair of earrings that she forgot at the house, which Morgan had bought for her. Bobbie’s suspicious bitchface is EPIC.

bobbie-bitchface

Barbara Jean don’t play

On the one hand, Bobbie has lived through this exact same plot before, so I guess I’m okay with her being genre savvy enough to recognize it. But on the other, Nelle really hasn’t done anything much suspicious yet, so her animosity doesn’t feel earned. I’m still 90% more into it than most of of the plots on this show, though!

Kristina is now guilt tripping her siblings for not wanting to sit with the man who killed their brother at his funeral. God, she is the worst. Michael calms everyone down and they group hug, which makes the girls look like tiny children because he is a giant. Nelle comes over to suck up about what a good big brother he is.

group-hug

soooooo tall

Olivia wants Sonny not to take on too much guilt for a thing he is — at least as far as they know right now — ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GUILTY OF DOING. Shut up, Olivia.

Assassin broker dude says that of course he canceled the hit the second Sonny told him to! And anyway, his guy wasn’t a bomb guy, he’s got another guy for bombs! This guy would have done something tasteful and low key, like killing Julian in the shower or something. Which means — gasp! — someone else was trying to kill Julian!

julian-and-curtis

ask me how much I care. I dare you.

At the MetroCourt, Curtis gives Julian an update on his search for the bomber. I think? I don’t know, this is boring me and I tuned it out.

Kiki wants to know what Dillon is doing there. He says even though he and Morgan didn’t get along, he never wanted anything bad to happen to him. I mean, sure? Because you’re not a sociopath? It’s still weird that you’re at his funeral, Dillon. He convinces her to go in because it’s what Morgan would have wanted. Well, if that’s the deciding factor, then Dillon DEFINITELY shouldn’t be there. (Especially when Sonny’s own brother couldn’t bothered to show up. Or any of the other Quartermaines on Michael’s behalf.)

Funeral time! Sad faces, all around. Kristina gives the first eulogy, followed by Dante and Josslyn, who claims that Morgan used to love it when she sang. FOOTAGE NOT FOUND, JOSS. She launches into a really unconvincingly dubbed rendition of Amazing Grace. The audience’s agonized reactions mirror my own:

josslyn-sings

josslyn-sings2

dear god make it stop

Having just come from a funeral yesterday, can I say how glad I am that every member of my family did not feel the need to get up and make a sermon or submit their audition for American Idol? Soap funerals are weird.

As Joss sings, we see Hayden going into convulsions, but Elizabeth and Finn get it under control.  Finn runs into Tracy and finds out he’s probably about to be suspended due to his illegal drugs and wildly irresponsible lack of hazard containment. He explains that Hayden has been exposed to his illness and that is why ONLY HE CAN SAVE HER. Obviously.

hayden-seizure

Michael gives a speech about St. Morgan’s endless capacity for forgiveness. Which is definitely what Morgan was known for! Curiously, he leaves out how many people also had to forgive Morgan for his shitty behavior over the years. Kiki runs out in tears and Dillon follows to comfort her.

Elizabeth reports that Hayden is stable for the moment. Finn wants to transfer her to his private care at the Quartermaine mansion to get around the fact he soon won’t be legally allowed to practice medicine at the hospital. Laura assures Liz that Finn is Hayden’s best hope. Oh, well I’m sure in that case absolutely no one would get fired over this!

Now it’s Carly’s turn. She tells everyone that because they don’t have a body, they had to fill the coffin with Morgan’s favorite things. I would have thought no body = no coffin at all, but far be it from me to judge how rich people want to waste their money. (JUST KIDDING I LOVE JUDGING RICH PEOPLE.)

carlys-eulogy

MAHOGANY

Carly says that Morgan had so much potential and was going to be a great man. I would say something snarky, but it’s a funeral, so I’ll grant her some creative license. She collapses crying on the coffin, just in time for Jason to arrive and save everyone from this intense awkwardness. He tells Sam that he’s onto something “that’s going to change everything.” Uh, unless it brings Morgan back to life then I kind of doubt that. (NOoooooo do not bring Morgan back. I’m sorry I put that out into the world.)

Franco calls Tom Baker’s brother, pretending to be his parole officer. For some reason, this requires a ridiculous fake Irish brogue. I don’t even know anymore, guys. He confirms the brother’s address and that Baker’s expected that night.

Hayden is ready to be checked out of the hospital for this totally above board and not at all illegal home care scheme. Finn sweetly tells Tracy that she’s the best friend he ever had and gives her an awkward hug that still manages to be ONE THOUSAND TIMES LESS AWKWARD than Jax and Sonny’s.

finn-hugs-tracy

DEFINITELY thinking of England

After they leave, Laura observes that Tracy really cares about both Finn and Hayden. I concur. And they are such better besties for her than Sabrina!

Curtis and Julian talk some more. I dozed off again, but I think Curtis is accusing Julian of having a connection to the bomber, which I assume means that he set up the fake hit on himself in order to frame Sonny. This kind of begs the question of why he would have hired a PI to investigate the whole thing? But WHATEVER.

The funeral starts to break up, but Sonny has an announcement. He launches into a big teary speech about how they all blame him for Morgan’s death, but not as much as he blames himself. And then pulls out his gun. So… shooting himself in front of all his children in the middle of the goddamn funeral was his big plan to save his family from more emotional trauma? LOL.

sonny-suicide

“I’m the actual worst!”
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Will Sonny kill himself or will the whole town band together to assure him he’s the best father ever and can do no wrong??? Tune in Monday for the exciting conclusion!

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20 thoughts on “Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

  1. “It’s still weird that you’re at his [Morgan] funeral, Dillon.”

    This would never happen because the show basically refuses to acknowledge that he and Michael are related, but I wish he would have said something about wanting to support his cousin as well as Kiki.

  2. Nothing is more depressing than reality this week, and I live in Canada. But this show is close although it’s main “hero” is a narcissist who always wins so maybe it’s more reality based than we thought. How does Roger Howarth’s hair grow like that.. I have issues with his character but I guess I’m a fan of his hair.

  3. “Carly gently points out that Jax is there to support his daughter, who was also Morgan’s brother. She does not also smack the sanctimony off Kristina’s face, but apparently Carly is in a better mood than I am right now.”

    That moment when you must consider that CARLY is behaving with more maturity and self-restraint than you would in her place.

    • Which is technically OOC for Kristina because she used to be the one who refused to whitewash or condone Sonny’s actions (for the most part), like when she held him accountable for apparently killing Jax. She even told Michael at the time that while she loved Sonny, she wouldn’t condone his behavior.

      Why isn’t anyone allowed to be mad at Sonny anymore? Unless you’re vilified, it simply doesn’t happen. It’s ridiculous.

  4. Bye Felicia, I mean Sonny.

    Bobbie having lived though it before could make it interesting, if there was some sort of angst between wanting to protect her daughter from the pain her daughter inflicted on her and saying eh, you deserve it, karma’s a bitch. But they are so unlikely to do that. And I absolutely do not want Nelle to be Carly’s mystery daughter, Carly has enough bloody kids.

    Lastly, I got really confused as to why Franco was calling this bloke about Liz’s rape:

  5. Sonny will wave the gun around while everyone moves any glassware out of the way and someone talks him down. Just like the last half a dozen times GH played out this same plot point.

    Valentin planted the bomb in Julian’s car to get back at him for trying to kill his half sister with the family heirloom. #BastardCassadines

      • Which is likely why the Quartermaines weren’t there to support Michael given Sonny’s cold-blooded murder of AJ.

        Or why no one brings up how Sonny almost killed Kristina with a car bomb, or how he’s nearly killed his other children, like Dante.

  6. I wonder if they just couldn’t get Rick Hearst to fly back from Atlanta for this. He’s been working a lot on Vampire Diaries and the new series based on Star Jones’ novel. Or maybe he didn’t want to just show up for 4 episodes. I’m hella peeved that once again Sonny is about to get a pass from this show. Although it’s not like he was going to change his lifestyle because his son died. Not once did he think about getting out of the business since Morgan’s death. And where were Lucas and Brad?

  7. I will give you loads and loads of credit for actually watching this.I watched exactly NONE.
    I would have liked to have seen Jax,judging from your picture I am thrilled I didn’t. I read jax would be with Carly, So I abstained.
    Think maybe the so called writers think MB is really sonny, ya know guns, bombs, putting out hits etc etc.so he wins no matter what ?
    He is actually pretty inept because no matter how he trys. His kids plus Michael are all still alive.???

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