Heyyyyyyy, guys. I haven’t watched this show in months because the real world has been depressing enough, frankly. But it’s sweeps now and things seem mildly interesting again?
Diane needs a stiff drink from the MetroCourt bar, because she’s about to go into court against a really tough opponent: Llanview, PA’s woman of the year, Nora Buchanan! Who, of course, is sitting right next to her.
Nina is frazzled and alone in the offices of a major fashion magazine, because only three people have ever worked there and she just fired one of them. Valentin swans in and hangs up her phone in the most menacing way possible. Like, the person on the other end definitely thinks the editor of Crimson is being kidnapped or murdered right now. He demands to know where she was last night. Nina’s surprised he even noticed, since he’s been so distracted by Anna lately.
Speaking of Anna, Dante shows up just as she’s about to check herself out of the hospital to go look for Olivia Jerome. He’s worried that Olivia will be after her. Anna is counting on it!
Franco drops Elizabeth off in the hospital parking garage because he’s worried about Olivia being on the loose. Liz reasonably points out that she is completely unconnected to that plot. Roger Howarth’s hair is so much more terrible now than when I stopped watching this show, I’m almost speechless.
at least he actually washed it today?
Elizabeth can’t believe that Olivia would attack a pregnant woman, prompting Franco to cagily warn her off from talking to Jake about Sam’s condition. When Liz demands he tell her everything, he finally admits that Jake was upset because he thinks Sam is cursed. So, not only did Franco take it on himself to give that information to Jake without consulting either of his parents, but he then didn’t think it was worth mentioning Jake’s reaction before now? STILL THE WORST, FRANCO. Always and forever.
Meanwhile, for the umpteenth time in the last four years, Robin Scorpio has been taken captive by a super villain. Honestly, you’d think Patrick and Anna would have LoJacked her by now or something. Olivia has her chained and gagged in the hospital basement while she cheerfully menaces her with a hammer and a magnificent sparkly pantsuit. I…kind of love her? So much?
rocking that hostage taker ensemble
Diane still hasn’t realized who Nora is, and is chatting her ear off about her strategy for the custody trial. Nora finally admits she’s knows who Diane is: a novelist! Wow, I had completely forgotten about that. But it’s a dark day for literature, because Diane’s too busy to write these days. She also drops this charming description of Sonny:
DIANE: I’m on retainer to a very particular man with a very particular reputation. I happen to think very highly of him, because by his own standards, he’s a man of honor. Nothing comes before family with him.
Nora’s reaction face kind of says it all:
I just threw up in my mouth
Franco theorizes that maybe — just maybe! — Jake still has some unresolved issues from that time he was held captive by a psychopath for four years. You don’t say! Elizabeth, as always when the writers remember this plot point, is in full denial. She also implies that possibly the only therapy Jake has been in lately is art therapy? Good lord. No wonder that kid is still a basket case.
Anna wants to be the bait to lure Olivia out. Dante isn’t a fan of this plan. And neither is Griffin when he comes in. He promises her that no doctor is going to sign off on her leaving the hospital in her current condition.
Robin wants to know why Olivia came back to town after all these years. So Olivia helpfully explains her entire plan:
OLIVIA: I was halfway around the world when I found that Duke had returned to Port Charles. I was in a very dangerous place and I couldn’t leave. By the time I was about to reunite with Duke, Julian had taken him from me again. So Julian has a terrible debt to pay. That’s why I’m back here. To right Julian’s wrong.
ROBIN: You mean here in Port Charles.
OLIVIA: No, I mean here in General Hospital. I have to restore balance.
ROBIN: What does that mean?
OLIVIA: Well, obviously, I have to bring Duke back.
Obviously! Olivia is disappointed when Robin expresses some skepticism about this. I think I have to be Team Olivia on this one. Robin, the last time you were kidnapped by a super villain, you resurrected three corpses. I don’t think you have a lot of room to talk, here.
Anyway, this entire time, Olivia’s been wandering around the room with blueprints, poking at the walls. Finally, she finds what she’s looking for: a hidden passage into Helena’s old Endgame resurrection lab!
I’d always kind of wondered what they did with that elaborate subterranean labyrinth that was somehow built underneath the hospital without anyone noticing! And apparently, what they did was: brick up the entrance and call it good. Nice job, Port Charles.
Valentin tries to convince Nina that he has no romantic feelings for Anna, but she’s not buying it. In fact, she might not even go to the custody hearing today because she’s so mad, she’s afraid she’d do him more harm than good. I’m still really confused about how her presence would possibly help him, considering she’s a former mental patient who’s been black listed from every adoption agency on the planet for literally ripping a baby out of another woman’s womb. But, what do I know?
Elizabeth forgot her cell phone, but when she comes back down to the garage to get it, she finds Franco in uniform for his new job: the new hospital parking attendant! Well, at least he’s actually qualified for this position? They start kissing against a stranger’s car (great job on your first day, buddy!) when Julian makes noise from inside the trunk.
Laura, Lulu and Dante show up at the MetroCourt and Diane’s about to introduce them to her new friend when Valentine arrives and spills the beans: this is his lawyer. Diane is more admiring than mad. Man, I’m sad that Alexis is an alcoholic now, because I really just want the three of them to get drunk and tell stories about their crazy lives. Are you happy, show? You’ve ruined Alexis and Diane getting drunk!
Anna gives Griffin the whole backstory of Olivia’s crazy obsession with Duke. She’s afraid Olivia might try to hurt her by going after Robin. Just then, Elizabeth bursts in with the news about Julian.
Down in the tunnels, Robin tries to reason with Olivia, saying Duke would want her to be happy and move on with her life the way Robin did after Stone died. Also, Duke 1) is very, very dead, and 2) his body was cremated. I mean, on the one hand, she has a point. But I can’t help feeling she’d have a stronger argument if pretty much everyone in this town had not come back from the dead at least once, including both of the people in this scene.
Olivia wants to use a lock of Duke’s hair — which she’s been carrying around in a glass vial in her bosom, AS YOU DO — to resurrect him. But Robin accidentally knocks it out of her hands and it shatters. Not to fear, she has a new plan: use Griffin’s DNA instead!
Upstairs, Anna is trying to figure out why Olivia would have left Julian alive. She thinks it’s lucky Olivia doesn’t know about Griffin. Whoops.
Diane apologizes to Lulu for letting her guard down with Nora, and reminds them that getting sole custody will be difficult. Lulu reminds her that Valentin freaking murdered her brother, which is fair. Diane thinks there’s no proof, even though there’s an eye witness and he only got off on a technicality. All of which you’d think would be pretty damning, especially combined with his marriage to a kidnapper and the fact that he kept Charlotte from Lulu all these years for no reason. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW.
Nora, meanwhile, debriefs Valentin about Diane, telling him she thinks she’ll be a formidable opponent. She wants to go over Nina’s testimony, but he doesn’t know if she’ll be showing up. Nora tells Valentin to make up with Nina or else he’ll lose the case.
Upstairs, Nina calls Charlotte and emotionally sings her a lullaby to make up for not being there the night before. Meanwhile, Maxie texts Lulu to report Nina and Valentin are on the rocks. Lulu immediately gets her hopes up that this will ruin Julian’s case. Laura heads upstairs to make a deal with her. I’m sure that won’t backfire!
Julian wakes up and tells Anna that Olivia never left the hospital. Outside, Griffin unsuspectingly gets into an elevator with her. Olivia immediately creeps on him so hard even oblivious Griffin realizes he’s in trouble. Cliffhanger!
All in all: points added for campiness and Tonja Walker. Points deducted for Franco’s hair. Griffin is still incredibly boring. And I’m oddly into Anna making Valentin stutter. Is that weird? I feel like it’s a little weird. WHATEVER. I take what I can get with this show.