Oh, ladies. Please love yourselves more.

Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean “watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them,” aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.

ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. He’s put your daughters in danger again and again and you’re going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Don’t do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.

I know, right? Any mother who’d claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasn’t got a leg to stand on–OH WAIT.

So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldn’t be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any character’s actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this one’s.

I’ll just let Olivia’s magnificent eye-roll speak for me:

OLIVIA: You listed to me, Julian Jerome. When you found out that you were Leo’s father […] you went on and on about how you were gonna be the father of the year. You were gonna teach him his alphabet and teach him how to tie his shoes. And what did you do instead? You got yourself involved in your lunatic sister’s crime spree. You didn’t call the cops. You didn’t warn anyone that she was skulking around the town. You didn’t do a damn thing but sink back into you same criminal ways. Now, you tell me. What kind of a father does that?

I don’t know if I’m more impressed by the writers’ chutzpah to keep bringing up all the holes in their “Julian the victim” story or nauseous that clearly they’re just steamrolling ahead with his redemption arc anyway.

Nope. Nausea wins.

Meanwhile, Nina and Anna have been busy competing for the coveted “Most Eager to Whitewash Cold-Blooded Murder” award:

NINA: He had a weapon. He sold it to Helena Cassadine. I know. I know! It was terrible, it was horrible. You know what else he did? He saved my life. And he got shot because of it. And you know what else he did? Months before that, he fell in love with me, and he made me the happiest person on the planet.

You know what else he did, months before that? MURDERED HIS NEPHEW IN COLD BLOOD. And then tried to kidnap his young son to murder him too. And then accidentally had your sister-in-law kidnapped before murdering the only mother his own child had ever known.

But it’s cool, because literally no one remembers or cares about any of that! Except sometimes Laura, Lulu and Spencer, who everyone treats like they’re crazy for daring to bring it up.

ANNA: This whole story, it is not black or white. I mean this man you knew, the man you married, Charlotte’s father. I think he’s a good man. I think he’s the man he wanted to be, before it all went so horribly wrong.

What I take from this speech is Anna believes you’re a good person if you:

  1. Steal a biological weapon capable of wiping out entire cities because a pretty girl let you touch her boobs
  2. Sell it to an actual super villain who has a history of trying to wipe out cities
  3. Don’t warn anyone about it for 30 years, even when repeatedly begged for the information
  4. Murder your own nephew to steal his fortune
  5. Deliberately keep your child from her mother for years, and then use the fact that they don’t have a relationship to argue she shouldn’t have custody
  6. Become handsome and sometimes sing sad love songs

Remember when anyone cared about anything on this show? Was it nice? I can’t remember because I think I’ve got rage amnesia.

Speaking of, over at Chez Corinthos, Sonny and Carly realized they’re not good at being married for the 538th time. I’m sure this time, it will really,  really stick!

CARLY: What you did to Jax was wrong. But if I’m honest and the positions were reversed, and I poured out my heart to you and I found out you’d just slept with Brenda? And I saw a way to have her arrested and then deported–
SONNY: You’d do it.
CARLY: In a heartbeat. I’d like to think that I’d regret it, but probably not.
SONNY: Thanks for admitting what I already knew, that we’re exactly alike.

wow, we’re terrible people

I mean, maybe I’m giving Carly too much credit here, but I feel like if their positions were reversed and Brenda was the mother of a child Carly claimed to love, she maybe wouldn’t have made it impossible for her mother to stay in the same country? Give yourself a little maturity credit, Caroline!

Or don’t, because you’re clearly getting back together with this man who lied to you, told you your marriage was over because you didn’t instantly forgive him, and didn’t care if he hurt your daughter in retribution when you took him at his word.

Television for women!


9 thoughts on “Oh, ladies. Please love yourselves more.

  1. Why are we being subjected to the same junk over and over? I couldn’t care less about Olivia/Leo. Olivia should’ve kept her trap shut about Leo’s paternity. None of this crap would be an issue. And the Qs would’ve never lost ELQ to Nik. So her having the gall to bitch about her gangster baby daddy(whom she decided that she HAD to tell him the truth about Leo! After Ned and Brooklyn gave up their ELQ crap to Nik, under threat of telling Julian the truth about Leo!) seeing their kid just annoys me. Bitch, you made your bed. Get ready to lie in it. Next time don’t make such a shit bed.

    Wow. Carly and Sonny are heading back together. What a shock. They can have wedding #1183 together. I just hope that Joss makes them both miserable. I highly doubt it the sonny hate will. But I can always hope.
    And once again. Sonny can only remember forgiveness when it works to make his life easier. Listen to your own damn in words: “No, she never had a soul to begin with.” Maybe the families of your victims feel the same about you!

    • Well, romances centered around women defending abusive men is a grand old soap tradition in general, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t expect better in freaking 2017… and yet. Here we are.

      • Luke and Laura are such a weird thing to me, because… look, I know the whole story about how their popularity saved the show from being canceled. I know about how their wedding was the most-watched soap episode ever and how the word ‘supercouple’ was coined because of them and I know that most GH fans would probably name them as the show’s all-time #1 couple.

        And I also know, with the benefit of hindsight, that the show ended up doing good things with them as a couple and there’s some amazing history there. (Though personally, I prefer the 90s stories even though I know the 80s was considered their golden era.)

        And yet, and yet, and yet… objectively, I don’t think pairing them together was a good move. If I’d been watching (or, y’know, alive) back in the 80s, I doubt I would’ve been on board. Pairing a woman with her rapist is bad enough, but the show’s constant flip-flopping during that era about whether it had been rape or “seduction” makes things even worse. And then they tried to spin this as some kind of ultimate fairytale romance. Looked at objectively, I think it’s hard not to see that the Luke/Laura story is offensive, and I don’t think the fact that it ultimately ended up becoming hugely popular or that good stories did come from it changes the original offensiveness. IMO one of the best things the show ever did was when Michele Val Jean acknowledged the ugliness in that story for what it was by having Lucky find out about the whole thing (and, naturally, react with horror) in the 90s.

        I’m not saying people shouldn’t be fans of Luke and Laura, but I think we can acknowledge that there are a lot of classic stories which are still incredibly offensive to modern eyes. Gone With the Wind is a great book (and movie), but it too has the main hero basically rape the heroine at one point. (Among other hugely problematic and racist elements, but this isn’t a post about Gone With the Wind so I’ll leave it at that.) I think you can love a classic story while still acknowledging that there are troubling aspects to it and we should expect better from stories being written today.

  2. I’d be more impressed with Olivia if I wasn’t absolutely sure that she would be on the other side of the argument if it was Sonny and one of his kids.

    I haven’t watched in maybe two years, but it seems like they’ve thrown out any semblance of logic.

  3. I know that, as an actual lady lawyer, I should just either take a shot of whiskey or hit the FFWD button whenever a character on this show starts a sentence with “legally speaking…” but even if you ignore all actual law (as they do), their own internal show logic should make it challenging to have one set of parents have a father who hid the maternity of a child for 6 or 7 years and yet was awarded full custody, whilst another set is subject to the argument that since the mother hid the child’s paternity for a mere 6 months or so, she should shut up and play nice with the guy because she could potentially lose custody. I mean, they at least had Valentin be cleared of all charges – Julian is just out on bail! What’s the logic here, Alexis?

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