Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean “watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them,” aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.
ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. He’s put your daughters in danger again and again and you’re going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Don’t do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.
I know, right? Any mother who’d claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasn’t got a leg to stand on–OH WAIT.
So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldn’t be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any character’s actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this one’s.
I’ll just let Olivia’s magnificent eye-roll speak for me:
OLIVIA: You listed to me, Julian Jerome. When you found out that you were Leo’s father […] you went on and on about how you were gonna be the father of the year. You were gonna teach him his alphabet and teach him how to tie his shoes. And what did you do instead? You got yourself involved in your lunatic sister’s crime spree. You didn’t call the cops. You didn’t warn anyone that she was skulking around the town. You didn’t do a damn thing but sink back into you same criminal ways. Now, you tell me. What kind of a father does that?
I don’t know if I’m more impressed by the writers’ chutzpah to keep bringing up all the holes in their “Julian the victim” story or nauseous that clearly they’re just steamrolling ahead with his redemption arc anyway.
Nope. Nausea wins.
Meanwhile, Nina and Anna have been busy competing for the coveted “Most Eager to Whitewash Cold-Blooded Murder” award:
NINA: He had a weapon. He sold it to Helena Cassadine. I know. I know! It was terrible, it was horrible. You know what else he did? He saved my life. And he got shot because of it. And you know what else he did? Months before that, he fell in love with me, and he made me the happiest person on the planet.
You know what else he did, months before that? MURDERED HIS NEPHEW IN COLD BLOOD. And then tried to kidnap his young son to murder him too. And then accidentally had your sister-in-law kidnapped before murdering the only mother his own child had ever known.
But it’s cool, because literally no one remembers or cares about any of that! Except sometimes Laura, Lulu and Spencer, who everyone treats like they’re crazy for daring to bring it up.
ANNA: This whole story, it is not black or white. I mean this man you knew, the man you married, Charlotte’s father. I think he’s a good man. I think he’s the man he wanted to be, before it all went so horribly wrong.
What I take from this speech is Anna believes you’re a good person if you:
- Steal a biological weapon capable of wiping out entire cities because a pretty girl let you touch her boobs
- Sell it to an actual super villain who has a history of trying to wipe out cities
- Don’t warn anyone about it for 30 years, even when repeatedly begged for the information
- Murder your own nephew to steal his fortune
- Deliberately keep your child from her mother for years, and then use the fact that they don’t have a relationship to argue she shouldn’t have custody
- Become handsome and sometimes sing sad love songs
Remember when anyone cared about anything on this show? Was it nice? I can’t remember because I think I’ve got rage amnesia.
Speaking of, over at Chez Corinthos, Sonny and Carly realized they’re not good at being married for the 538th time. I’m sure this time, it will really, really stick!
CARLY: What you did to Jax was wrong. But if I’m honest and the positions were reversed, and I poured out my heart to you and I found out you’d just slept with Brenda? And I saw a way to have her arrested and then deported–
SONNY: You’d do it.
CARLY: In a heartbeat. I’d like to think that I’d regret it, but probably not.
SONNY: Thanks for admitting what I already knew, that we’re exactly alike.
wow, we’re terrible people
I mean, maybe I’m giving Carly too much credit here, but I feel like if their positions were reversed and Brenda was the mother of a child Carly claimed to love, she maybe wouldn’t have made it impossible for her mother to stay in the same country? Give yourself a little maturity credit, Caroline!
Or don’t, because you’re clearly getting back together with this man who lied to you, told you your marriage was over because you didn’t instantly forgive him, and didn’t care if he hurt your daughter in retribution when you took him at his word.
Television for women!