What is this, a soap opera?

Am I crazy or did this episode actually feel like a soap opera? We got a mix of hijinks and emotional conversations about feelings, team ups between unlikely allies, vets actually getting to do stuff… I mean it wasn’t a masterpiece, but it at least met the bare requirements of competence? My bar is set real low these days, people.

Outside Kelly’s, Julian is trying to convince Alexis to take a drive with him when Kristina walks up. She wants to know what’s going on. Your mother is making poor life choices, little K. That’s what’s going on.

Hayden’s in the Q living room, confessing her doubts about parenthood to Curtis while Finn eavesdrops. Curtis wonders if she’s worried about being a good mom, or just worried she doesn’t want to be a mom at all. I wonder why she’s living at the Quartermaine’s. Is Monica saving money at the hospital by paying her in room and board instead of a salary?

At the hospital, Obrecht runs into Kiki  and starts buttering her up about what a good job she’s doing and what a shame it is that Monica is so stingy with promotions. Subtlety, thy name is Liesl!

Monica, meanwhile is straightening the kids’ toys at Sam and Jason’s place. Sam tries to tell her that’s unnecessary but Monica claims she just loves babysitting for two small children for days at a time on top of running an entire hospital that’s two steps away from bankruptcy at any given moment. Just then, Jason comes home! Sam is overjoyed to see him… until she notices the gunshot wound in his arm.

Down in Puerto Rico, Carly’s curly hair looks really good. Maybe that’s why Sonny ready to leave the mob for it?

SONNY: No more danger, no more violence. I’m gonna do everything to make a good life for you and our family.
CARLY: Maybe you believe that you can do that but I don’t.
SONNY: We’re back to that–where I tell you something and you don’t believe me? You think I’m playing you for a fool?
CARLY: No, I don’t think you’re playing me at all. I think you’re playing yourself.

Curtis suggests Hayden might be freaking out because her own parents were not the greatest role models. Hayden admits she’s go three stellar examples to choose from: her adopted father the criminal, her mother the liar, and the cheating birth father she’s never even met. And apparently never will since Rebecca Budig is leaving the show! I mean, if the last 20 years are anything to go by, there is clearly nothing that could induce any of the writers to bring the Webber parents to town for just Elizabeth’s sake.

Hayden’s also worried that Finn’s in recovery and may not be capable of being there for her. Which is when Finn decides to make his presence known.

The three of them start discussing the case against Obrecht… who is still sucking up to Kiki. She says Monica can’t stay head of the hospital forever, and suggests that if Kiki happens to pass along any interesting talk among the staff, Obrecht will make sure she gets promoted quickly.

Alexis makes excuses to Kristina about why she’s hanging out with a man who once held a knife to her throat. Julian asks Kristina if she’s heard from her father recently, since he warned Jason about a threat. Kristina wonders why he cares. Because he’s really obviously manipulating your mother, Krissy. Keep up.

Carly reminds Sonny that he was the one who told her no one leaves this business alive. (Except Jason. And Julian. But besides those two, no one!) She reminds him that he tried running away to this very island once, and it didn’t work. So his options are make a deal with the feds, or turn his territory over to a successor. He won’t do the former and the latter is a bust without Jason.

Jason explains that Carly shot him by accident. Oops. Sam freaks out and stomps upstairs to check on the children she literally just checked on before he walked in. Jason takes the opportunity to ask Monica if Sam seems off to her. Monica tells him that having kids can change your perspective and that’s not always a bad thing.

When Sam comes downstairs, she jokes that she’ll have to kick Sonny’s ass the next time she sees him. Jason defends Sonny and claims this wasn’t his fault. Pretty sure it was kind of his fault that he had a guy killed and set this revenge plot in motion in the first place, Jason. And it is definitely his fault that he has yet to hire a single competent guard other than you in over twenty years.

Jason wonders where this sudden animosity toward Sonny is coming from. Ever since Scout was born, he’s noticed Sam’s been overreacting to stuff. When he suggests she see a doctor, she doesn’t take it well.

Monica walks in on the Obrecht discussion and immediately senses there’s some plotting going on. Hayden tries to lie to her about it —  um, Hayden, if you want this to be a secret from Monica, maybe don’t have the meeting in her living room? But Finn says they owe her the truth.

Monica is skeptical of the accusation that one of her doctors could be framing him. Until they say it’s Obrecht and then she is immediately ALL IN.

Carly and Sonny lament the fact that five years ago, Sonny could have just turned the business over to Jason, but ever since he “died” and “got brainwashed” and “woke up with amnesia and a new face” something’s just been different about him! Acknowledgement of reality or foreshadowing the inevitable Tale of Two Jason’s now staring at us down the barrel? You decide! (J/K, it’s obviously the last one.)

They’re interrupted by a phone call from Kristina. Sonny tries to act like his latest brush with death was no big deal, but Kristina is done with his bullshit.

KRISTINA: I just wish you’d stop acting like this.
SONNY: Like what, sweetheart?
KRISTINA: Like it’s normal. Some guy comes after you and tries to kill you but it’s not a big deal. It’s just part of the business. I thought things were going to change after Morgan, but they didn’t. Am I an idiot to hope for something better?

Sonny assures her that things are going to change, but she doesn’t want to hear any more of his “empty promises.” This anger seems kind of abrupt, but hey, I’ll take it!

Monica wants to know if Curtis is any good, and Hayden assures her that Jason deigned to work with him. Oh, well, why didn’t he just say so? Monica knows Jason only works with the best! Barf. (Look, I said this episode was barely competent, not perfect.) Anyway, she has a plan to outsmart Obrecht and takes off with Curtis.

Alexis tells Julian that they’re over. He asks if that’s for the night or for good. Barf, part 2! Luckily Kristina interrupts their mooning at each other to update them on Sonny. And then thanks Julian. BARF: THE TRIFECTA.

CARLY: I must seem like a really big hypocrite to you.
SONNY: For what?
CARLY: Changing the rules, especially this late in the game. I knew what I was getting into. I chose to have a life with you and all its consequences and… and now I just can’t follow through.
SONNY: I feel the same way. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you or anybody else the way we lost Morgan. That’s why I’m gonna figure out a way — I don’t know how yet, because you know this has been all I know. But I’m going to do everything I can to make it happen. This life, I’m done.

Dramatic! Look, we all know Sonny is not leaving the mob. I’m not delusional. But at after so many years of him making the same excuses, at least him making the attempt is something slightly different? Now just imagine how much better it would work if Morgan had actually died as a direct result of Sonny’s business instead of due to a bizarre set of coincidences designed to absolve Sonny of all wrong doing!

Back in Port Charles, Sam gives Jason some real talk she should have given him years ago:

SAM: You think that I’m hysterical? That I’m blowing things out of proportion? That I have anxiety so the solution is for me to somehow be medicated?
JASON: Sam, I’m worried about you.
SAM: Why? Why, exactly? Because I’m pushing back? Because I refuse to stand by with a smile on my face while you run out into danger?

Go girl! I’m so mad that all of this perfectly legitimate truth telling is going to get ignored because she’s also, you know, wildly hallucinating. Anyway, she’s shouting by the end of her tirade and it wakes Scout up. Sam is stricken.

Now that they’re alone, Finn confesses that he heard some of Hayden and Curtis’ earlier conversation. Hayden tries to explain she wasn’t questioning his abilities, merely the timing of it all while he’s in recovery and fighting for his job. Finn acknowledges that the timing isn’t ideal, but thinks they just have to work with it.

Alexis thinks it was very generous of Kristina to thank Julian. I think not stabbing him in the balls every time she sees him is pretty generous! They segue into talking about Sonny, and Kristina’s frustration with his refusal to change.

Meanwhile, Sonny thinks it’s a great time to make a change! Things are fairly quiet on the mob front right now, despite a man trying to kill him literally an hour ago. He plans to get rid of some assets and bring someone on to take care over the rest. When Carly doubts him, he calls Lucy to put the restaurant on the market.

Kristina starts interrogating Alexis about Julian. Alexis confesses she had wanted a drink earlier and Julian was keeping her company to help. Kristina storms off in a huff because her mother is relying on her abusive ex instead of her children, friends, sponsor, or literally ANYONE SHE KNOWS WHO HASN’T TRIED TO KILL HER.

When Jason comes back from dealing with Scout, Sam apologizes for raising her voice. But she can’t apologize for the way she feels. Jason assures her he isn’t going back to work for Sonny. But he’s concerned because she’s not acting like herself.

Monica and Curtis are at the hospital, avoiding Obrecht by dressing Curtis in an IT guy “disguise” that makes me wonder if anyone who works on this show has ever met anyone in IT before. Curtis complains that he looks like a nerd. Leslie Charleson seems like she’s really enjoying herself. I kind of love this team up?

Just then, Kiki comes over to confess that Obrecht was trying to get her to spy on the staff for her. Monica is delighted and says that’s exactly what Kiki should do.

Finn tells Hayden that he’s committed to trying to be the best father he can, and they’re in this together. She seems reassured. I would care more, but it’s hard to invest when you know she’ll be gone soon. What a waste.

Sam emotionally confesses that she’s felt out of control since Scout was born. She didn’t say anything because she was hoping it would just go away on its own. Jason gently says that it doesn’t seem like it’s going to.

SAM: God, why does it have to be an official thing, you know? Why can’t it just be the stressors of life. I mean, father is probably going to spend the rest of his life in prison. My mother? She is a hot mess. And my husband — you, my love, just got shot.

Jason knows she has some legitimate reasons to feel upset, but repeats that she used to handle this kind of thing a lot differently, and he thinks she should get checked out. If there’s nothing there, they’ll get a nanny or something.

Sam cries that she doesn’t want a nanny, since she never got to be a mother to Danny in the first months of his life. I’m glad they’re not forgetting that part, since adding a second child even when you’ve gone through it before is an order of magnitude more difficult.

Ah, romance.

Sonny starts taking his gun apart, since he won’t need it anymore. Carly appreciates the gesture, but thinks he’s leaving himself vulnerable. Yeah, especially because there are apparently no guards on this island! They kiss. I really like Carly’s turquoise robe.

Okay, so if Steve Burton’s Jason is the real Jason and Billy Miller’s Jason is some brainwashed schmuck who… also has Jason’s memories and DNA– look, don’t think about it too hard, okay? But this would at least account for the discrepancy they introduced by showing “Jason” being tortured on Cassadine island when we know he was a frozen corpsicle at that time. So that’s… something?

Lord, this is going to be a hot mess.

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4 thoughts on “What is this, a soap opera?

  1. She says Monica can’t stay head of the hospital forever, and suggests that if Kiki happens to pass along any interesting talk among the staff, Obrecht will make sure she gets promoted quickly.

    ok in real life, she wouldn’t even speak to kiki, let alone suggest to her to talk to the other big wigs of the hospital

    kiki is a nurse in training, she’s not even a nurse……just dumb as all get out

    ah, i didn’t read it all

    lol

  2. Steve Burton is coming back? And they named the baby scout? That is a cute.

    I haven’t watched since the had Liz keep the secret about Jason being back. Yet, I do miss it. Not this show but what it was and could be. Especially since I’m on summer break.

    I’ll take plot holes in any of the stories if they want to reroute some of them. Jason with amnesia ×2 (or3?) Could of actually been so interesting.

    By now I get the mob is here to stay. And OK. I used to like those stories with Sonny, Luke, Stone, Brenda and so on up to Jason and Liz starting. Way beyond over it now, but wouldn’t care if the other storylines are separate, strong and prominent.

    Oh, well. Done with ramble. Guess I hadn’t realized how much I was missing it this summer.

    • Danny started calling the baby Scout before it was born. They actually named her Emily Scout, but everyone still uses the nickname.

      TBH, I have enjoyed parts of this week more than I have in a long time. It’s not good? But it is better than it has been, at least — If you’re missing it, now’s not the worst time to tune back in.

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