Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading


Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!


MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2011

Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…

General Hospital 2011

STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.

KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!

ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2010

It’s that time of year again, kids — a time for peace, reflection, resolutions that will be forgotten in a month… and mockery. Sweet, sweet mockery.

So here’s looking at you, Port Charles. It’s been a hell of a craptacular year.

General Hospital 2010:

FRANCO: Okay, Batman, here’s the deal–
JASON: It’s Jason.
JASON: My name — it’s Jason. I’ll also accept The Golden Boy, Stone Cold, or Patron Saint of Port Charles in a pinch. But you’ve got to stop calling me Batman. It’s creeping me out.
SAM & LULU: Hello, still kidnapped here, remember?
FRANCO: Right, right. So, Batm– er, Jason. I’ve kidnapped the two people most dear to you and strapped them both to bombs. What do you do, hot shot? WHAT DO YOU DO?
LULU: *raises hand* Actually, I’m more of a friendly acquaintance than anything. I mean, there are probably dozens of other characters Jason cares about more than me…
FRANCO: Everyone’s a critic. I’m out of here.

CARLY: It’s time for Josslyn’s christening!
JASON: Okay, I’ll go get my gun–
JASON: But… it’s a church! We always have a shoot out when there’s a church event!
SONNY: Don’t worry, I got this.

DANTE: Sonny Corinthos, you are under arrest. But hey, since I’m here with zero backup, don’t suppose you just want to come quietly?
SONNY: You know, for someone who spent over a year fooling my entire criminal organization, you’re really terrible at this cop stuff.
DANTE: What, like you’d really be stupid enough to shoot a cop in your living roo– *is shot* I stand corrected.
OLIVIA: You just shot your own son, you moron!
SONNY: Oops. My bad. Hospital? Continue reading

You’ve come a long way, baby…

… a long way down, that is.

Ten years is hard to judge in soap time — that’s about 2,500 hours in the lives of people who can take a month to get through a single day. On the other hand, as much as we complain that nothing ever changes on this show, check out what the canvas looked like in 2000:

(Back then, General Hospital was my mid-afternoon thesis break, down in the basement of my college dorm. It’s hard to believe — since the thought now gives me hives — but I actually looked forward to watching the entire episode every day. I know! Craziness!)

(Also, I really miss the old “Faces of the Heart” credits.)

So, yes, it’s been a busy decade in Port Charles. Let’s take stock, shall we? The death toll has risen while the ratings have dropped. Entire families have been invented and then slaughtered, old faces have returned as new characters, and old characters have returned with new faces (and accents… and personalities).

Ten years ago, Bobbie could still move the muscles in her face. Luke still liked his children (and he only had two). The Quartermaines were numerous, fabulously bitchy, and — this part is key — alive. Chloe… existed. And Alexis was childless, married to Jax, in love with Ned, working for Sonny, and an internet pin up girl: Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2009

Ah, 2009. Filled with repetitive drivel, an outbreak of SORAS and a cornucopia of casting craziness.

Let’s take a look back, shall we?

General Hospital 2009:

PATRICK: Here, hold your daughter.
ROBIN: I’m a bad mom. Patrick is a better father than I am a mother.

JERRY: Hello, dear brother. I’m confessing my rather minuscule involvement in Michael’s shooting for no particular reason, but you can never tell your wife because she wouldn’t be able to forgive you for… being my brother. Or… something.
JAX: That makes total sense. I’m sure this secret won’t at all come back to haunt me in roughly nine months time!

JERRY: I’ve also got a present for you, Claudia, darling! I’m not even on this show anymore, but that’s not going to stop me from being creepy and illogical! These DVDs implicating the two of us in Michael’s shooting are hidden around your house. Isn’t this a wonderful game?
CLAUDIA: … Seriously? Well, guess I’ll wait until someone is just about to come in the room before I look for them.
SONNY: What are you doing?
CLAUDIA: Nothing! Let’s have gross sex with sabotaged protection so that I can get pregnant with your baby in an attempt to prevent my inevitable murder.
SONNY: Works for me.

Continue reading