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Is stupidity contagious?

July 16, 2015

Sometimes a thing happens, and it is so intensely dumb that it’s almost hard to even make fun of it. Yesterday, that thing was every word that came out of Nikolas and Lucky’s mouths. Exhibit A:

Lucky and Nikolas1

LUCKY: But you know, even with everything that’s happened. Bringing Jake home, everything right with the world… everything’s not right with me. I’m still broken. I’m in no condition to be around my kids. Who the hell does that sound like?
NIKOLAS: You’re not like him, Lucky.
LUCKY: Luke Spencer raised me, okay? I’m just following in his footsteps. And I’m a great dad! As long as I don’t have to be near my kids.
NIKOLAS: Don’t say that — that’s not true. You’re nothing like him! You’re an amazing father.
LUCKY: Really. When? I haven’t been there for them, Nikolas. I mean, Cam has a few vague memories. To Aiden, I’m just a face on a computer screen. And the worse thing is, part of me just wants to run. I just want to get out of here before this darkness or whatever the hell is in me corrupts Jake. How sick is that?

OMG, WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? It was bad enough when the writers realized they couldn’t pull off multiple personalities again and just invented a bullshit darkness “diagnosis” for Luke. But now we’re expected to believe the bullshit is hereditary? Read more…

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

July 14, 2015

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Read more…

Invasion of the body snatchers.

July 8, 2015

Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?

Also, consider the following:

Dante and Valerie kiss

– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?

– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*

– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?** Read more…

A picture is worth a thousand dubious eye-rolls.

June 23, 2015

Hey, good news, guys!* The writers finally, finally decided to give us a reason for Nikolas’ decision to viciously betray every person he’s ever loved! And that reason is… money. He’s literally just doing it for the money. So stop your whining, whiners! Everything makes perfect sense now.

Nikolas confession

Yes, it turns out running a brainwashing/resurrection clinic is surprisingly expensive. It seems like they could just throw a patent on that machine that brings people back from the dead, but what do I know about business? Clearly nothing. And sure, Nikolas still has enough funds to buy millions of dollars worth of stock in cash, but he is totes destitute now, y’all. What else could he do — sell off a few castles? Take over some other company that wasn’t owned by his dead wife’s family and didn’t require him to let his own cousin think her husband was dead? That’s all clearly crazy talk. Read more…

You’re breaking my heart here, Quartermaine.

June 15, 2015

Okay, you know what? I am glad to see Laura, and even gladder to hear she might be sticking around for a while. But for the LOVE OF GOD, can Tracy please stop being the romantic whipping boy of Port Charles? Please?

Tracy and Dillon

TRACY: I believed him. From the bottom of my soul, I had faith that Luke and I would prove all of you wrong. That our love would outlast all the naysayers. But he didn’t love me. He never did. Nobody ever did.
DILLON: Are you kidding me? I love you. You are the strongest, smartest, bravest woman I have ever known. You are my mom and I love you. I always will.

That Jane Elliot is killing it with this material should go without saying. She is a master at playing both Tracy’s hard outer shell and the vulnerable loneliness it hides. But I am just so deeply bored by yet another story where Tracy’s feelings get thrown in the dumpster because Luke won’t include her on his adventure. Read more…

Point of order, please.

June 8, 2015

I realize far more important things than this happened last week, like Genie Francis (!) and new Dillon (!!) and Morgan finally admitting he’s been a giant turd bucket (!!!) to Michael.

But can I just take a minute to deal with the latter’s father, aka Lord King Turd Bucket, and the incredible amount of bullshit that came out of his mouth on Friday?

SONNY: You know what, I’m trying to be nice here out of respect for Bobbie, and your daughter.
SCOTTY: Don’t! Don’t you ever bring up my daughter Karen! She would be Chief of Staff now if she was alive.
SONNY: I cared for Karen very much.
SCOTTY: No, you didn’t. You hooked her on drugs. You got two daughters — how would you like it if some low like like you hooked your daughters and then turned them out?
SONNY: It was an accident, Scotty! A random act of fate! But you couldn’t accept that. You had to blame somebody, so you blame me! You know why? Because you couldn’t look in the mirror.

If I can inject some 90s realness here for a second: sure, let’s extend the benefit of the doubt that Sonny did not give Karen drugs with the express purpose of turning her into an addict. I mean, all he did was give a traumatized teenager tranquilizers because she was having trouble sleeping after stripping in his club every night and constantly seeing her childhood abuser around town. How could anyone have predicted that would end badly?! Read more…

Soap Report: “Queen In-Hyun’s Man”

June 7, 2015

I’m not the biggest fan of Joseon era stuff — the costumes just don’t do it for me, frankly — but I’d heard so many good things about this one, I gave it a try anyway and OH EM GEE, YOU GUYS. What a delightful way to spend 16 hours of your life.

Queen In-Hyun's Man2

(Only 16 episodes! What are you waiting for? You can knock that out in one day and still get a solid 8 hours of dreaming about dreamy time travelers in afterward!)

What’s it about? Kim Boong-do is a 17th century scholar and queen’s bodyguard who acquires a mystical talisman that transports him to the present day any time his life is in danger. As you do. Meanwhile, Choi Hee-jin is struggling actress who gets her big break playing that very same queen in a modern KDrama. They meet and fall in love but fate and court intrigue keep getting in their way. Read more…

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