There’s no joy in Mudville, kids.

Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?

Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:

Julian gaslights Alexis

ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.

I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading

My kingdom for logical character motivations!

I keep trying to care about this show right now, guys. I really do. I’m so sick of hating it. But even when something I’ve been waiting for finally happens, the lack of emotional continuity just gives me whiplash.

Last week: Jason had a heartwarming moment with Tracy and reconfirmed his determination of get ELQ back for the Quartermaines. This week: he and Sam casually betray Tracy by telling Nikolas she’s been working with Hayden all along. No conflict there! Then, later that same day:

Sam confronts Nikolas

SAM: You were so desperate to keep the truth about my husband from me that you hired someone to kill Hayden and when they botched the job, you did what, you married her?
NIKOLAS: Hayden is no victim–
SAM: She’s YOUR victim!

I mean, yay? Sam actually got to yell at Nikolas after months of BAFFLING cordiality. It’s just a little hard to get invested in her sudden moral outrage when a few hours go, she cared so little about his attempts to keep her child from ever knowing his father that she was sincerely offering Nikolas condolences over his failed marriage to a con woman they both despise. Continue reading

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

Finn meditates

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading

Are we sure that’s not a euphemism?

Guys, I am on vacation someplace warm and wonderful where there’s rum and a nice man who brings me frozen coconuts. But my secret soap sources (i.e. fellow sad sacks who’ve been stockholmed into watching this show until we die) inform me that yesterday, there were boobs in open court? (#boobsforfeminism)

Hamilton strokes his lizard

And also that Michael Easton made his — triumphant? I guess? — return in his — fourth? fifth? Are we counting alternate personalities separately? — character. And that character is yet another doctor.  And that doctor enjoys stroking his lizard. And that lizard stroking is somehow not a euphemism, but an actual thing that happened on this television show that we are all for some reason still watching.

Obviously, I love myself way too much to watch General Hospital while I’m trying to relax and not hate life. But please weigh in on the ridiculousness of this event, as I am dying to hear your opinions.


How many characters can NOT die in one episode?

Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.


Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers. Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

The power of Morgan compels you!

He may not remember his life, but Our Lord and Savior Jason Morgan has truly returned! You can tell because otherwise competent women are suddenly utterly unable to function without him. And listen, I know we joke about Saint Jasus a lot, but when characters are literally telling each other to just have faith and he’ll appear, it starts to get a little on the nose, even for me:

SIZZLE in the hospital1

ALEXIS: You probably don’t remember this, but I haven’t always been supportive of your relationship with my daughter. I don’t feel that way anymore. She’s always had faith in you, and you’ve just proven once again that her faith is justified. Thank you.
JASON: Thank you.
ALEXIS: [to Sam] Do you want to strangle me?
SAM: No, I loved everything that you said and it happens to be true. Mom, I was lying in that basement and somehow I knew the whole time that Jason would find me.

We all know I have a partisan horse to back in this race, even if that horse has recently been hobbled and is now basically dragging its rider in circles through the mud in front of a symbolically exploded house. Continue reading

Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Continue reading

You had me at lesbians.

I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.

And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.

Parker and Kristina2

Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading

Soap Report: “Boys Over Flowers”

You guys, I have so many KDrama reviews stacked up. And most of them are for shows I really loved! But good lord, this was not one of them.

Where to even begin? Boys Over Flowers is an insanely popular KDrama based on an insanely popular manga, which previously spawned multiple other popular tv adaptations. Basically, people love the crap out of this story.


My body was super ready to love this! High school rich kid drama! Baby Lee Min Ho rocking some ridiculous curls! Sadly, it was all kind of enraging and terrible.

What’s it about? A fictional Korean corporation has created a private school open solely to the one percent. The school is ruled by F4, a gang of four uber-elite seniors worshiped by the rest of the student body because they’re rich and hot and also will casually ruin the lives of anyone who looks at them sideways. Continue reading