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Soap Report: “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries”

February 11, 2015

Friends, I have met the love of my life, and her name is Phryne Fisher. I spent the Christmas break marathoning through all two seasons of her super duper charming murder mysteries, and I think I can safely say that we are girlfriends for life.

Miss Fisher

What’s it about? Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries is an Australian show based on a series of novels by Kerry Greenwood, in which a rich, eccentric lady solves murders in the 20s while looking fabulous and sleeping with any hot man that wanders into her vicinity. Read more…

Everything is stupid and I hate it.

February 9, 2015

You know when you know something is going to be bad, and then it happens, and it is so much worse? And all you can do is sit there and annoy your neighbors by making incoherent angry Pterodactyl noises at the screen? Watching Friday’s episode was kind of like that.

Morgan constipated face

MORGAN: Why don’t we all get real for a second and just admit that Michael’s not coming because he’s too busy nursing his little grudges to come say thank you to dad for saving everyone on that boat, including him.

Ah, yes. That Michael, so petty. Always nursing stupid grudges over silly little things like THE COLD BLOODED MURDER OF HIS FATHER.

But I can see why Morgan would have trouble empathizing. I mean, that time he spent several months so furious with Sonny that he actually conspired with a rival mob family to get him killed, it was a grudge over a really serious offense, like giving his brother a job. Read more…

Franco and the amazing technicolor dream trip.

February 5, 2015

If a bomb goes off and not even one annoying character explodes, does it still make a sound? Because that was super disappointing. Sabrina was sitting right there, show. At the very least, I was expecting Ivy to bite it! On the other hand, I was also starting to seriously worry about Brad, so I guess we should just count our blessings.

But the real miracle is that Franco and Nina aren’t on my current list of annoying characters who really need to die.

Franco Nina kiss

I don’t know if it’s because crazy balances crazy, or because it’s easier to pretend Franco isn’t Franco when he’s not interacting with anyone he’s previously kidnapped, threatened, strapped to a bomb, pretend-raped for funzies or otherwise terrorized in any way. Read more…

The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

February 4, 2015

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point. Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

Jagger and Steve Hardy

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Read more…

What a twist!

February 1, 2015

No, I don’t mean the big Bill reveal at the end. I’m talking about the surprise twist that the combination of Sonny, Julian, Franco and Ava forced to spend time together is actually… not terrible? Like, I legitimately guffawed more than once while watching Sonny’s pained expressions as Ava and Franco bickered in the back seat.

Sonny is pained

The face I normally make when Sonny talks

We are talking about three characters I normally can’t fast forward through fast enough, and one who is useless when not half naked and ripping clothes off of Alexis. And yet somehow, together, they don’t suck quite as much. I know! No one was more surprised than me! Read more…

Stupid is as stupid does.

January 25, 2015

I’m beginning to get a little concerned about the League of Evil, y’all. Do they need ELQ because they’re so collectively broke that they can’t even afford a decent lair? Because I’m not sure how else to explain the fact that they are STILL keeping Luke in the basement of a house where they KNOW people are going to keep wandering around.

Speaking of stupidity, I don’t know what was funnier — the look on Julian’s face while Sonny sang Shawn “I’ve yet to actually succeed at a single task you’ve given me” Butler’s praises?

Julian is skeptical

Clearly thinking: “This is the crack team
that’s foiled my every plan?

…or Lucas trying to guilt Michael into forgiving Morgan by reminding him that his brother is so useless and stupid that he will probably wander out into traffic or climb into the back of a stranger’s van if left to his own devices for too long. (Let’s face it, this is not an inaccurate assessment.) Read more…

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

January 13, 2015

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking that.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Read more…

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