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Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

February 7, 2016

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Read more…

You had me at lesbians.

February 2, 2016

I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.

And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.

Parker and Kristina2

Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Read more…

Soap Report: “Boys Over Flowers”

January 13, 2016

You guys, I have so many KDrama reviews stacked up. And most of them are for shows I really loved! But good lord, this was not one of them.

Where to even begin? Boys Over Flowers is an insanely popular KDrama based on an insanely popular manga, which previously spawned multiple other popular tv adaptations. Basically, people love the crap out of this story.

boysoverflowers_a5gldkw-jpg

My body was super ready to love this! High school rich kid drama! Baby Lee Min Ho rocking some ridiculous curls! Sadly, it was all kind of enraging and terrible.

What’s it about? A fictional Korean corporation has created a private school open solely to the one percent. The school is ruled by F4, a gang of four uber-elite seniors worshiped by the rest of the student body because they’re rich and hot and also will casually ruin the lives of anyone who looks at them sideways. Read more…

Farewell, sweet Neurosurgeon!

January 13, 2016

“Self,” I said to myself last night, “you haven’t posted an episode reaction in a while. Let’s do one tonight.” And then yesterday’s episode featured heavy amounts of Kiki existing, Morgan’s emotional problems, and gross Ava/Paul flirtation.

So, let’s talk about Robin and Patrick’s third (fourth? Does that vow renewal after she came back from the dead count?) wedding!

Scrubs wedding kiss

You know, as sad as I am to lose Jason Thompson — and as especially sad as I am to lose him to Y&R instead of a better opportunity somewhere in primetime — it’s just such a relief that Robin is finally done being kidnapped after almost three straight years of captivity. And even if the stylists have been doing their best to soften the blow by making Patrick’s hair as awful as humanly possible lately, and even though their reunion was totally rushed, I’m also glad to see Scrubs fans getting the happily ever after they’ve been waiting for. Read more…

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

January 7, 2016

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Read more…

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

December 16, 2015

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Read more…

Another one bites the dust…

December 9, 2015

Hello, friends. It’s been a while, I know. My motivations for watching the show, much less writing about it, are pretty much at an all time low. But can we talk about Dante, and how he’s now terrible? Because wow, he is super terrible. His hair is terrible, his choices are terrible, the garbage that comes out of his mouth is terrible… I say this as someone who finds Lulu generally obnoxious, but TEAM LULU ONE THOUSAND PERCENT.

Dante is scum

DANTE: Watching that game with you, seeing you loose your mind over that interception… I mean, for the first time in forever, I lost myself for a bit there. I didn’t think about being sad or guilty. I was just enjoying what was right in front of me.

Oh, I’m sorry, did your wife have the gall to be mad at you for more than a day after you SLEPT WITH HER COUSIN? After lying to her face for months, did you have to spend a few weeks feeling sad about betraying her? Well, that’s just awful. What an injustice for you. So glad you could finally, after a few measly days, find a way to forget how guilty you deserve to be for trashing your marriage.

And now, five seconds after the ink dried on his separation papers, he’s not only sleeping with Valerie again, but openly dating her? Dude. It is one thing to make (another) bad decision while believing your marriage is over (again). It’s another to be so over it that you’re ready for a rebound relationship that same week.

But, hey! At least Nikolas and Elizabeth won’t be so lonely in the character assassination club anymore? Stripping Dante of his most perfect husband pedestal give me exactly one less reason to give a crap about this show, though, and there aren’t a lot of those left to begin with.

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