1. We finally see who’s hunting Stefan and Damon in the future! And it’s their mom! Only not really because Damon’s all hopped up on werewolf blood and hallucinating. We do get a quick blurry glance at the real mystery killer, and am I crazy or does she look slightly Elena-ish? Honestly, who the hell knows at this point. I’d be shocked if the writers even knew who it was.
2. Back in the present, Cute!Matt asks the most pertinent question ever: WHY IS ENZO STILL HERE? This is why you’ll always be my favorite, Matty. And then Enzo gets tranquilized by a team of mysterious commando hunter dudes and carted off in a cage and I’m sure we’ll never see him again! (Shh… just let me have this moment.) Read more…
Helena’s dead! Again! Some more! You’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excited over it when 1) she is clearly immortal, and 2) she “died” in the same episode where Carlos miraculously came back to life, proving once again that death has absolutely no meaning in Port Charles.
(J/K! Quartermaines stay dead forever!)
At least this gave the writers an excuse to get all the remaining Cassadines together on Cassadine island — you know, Helena, Nikolas, Sam. Wait a minute, wasn’t there another Cassadine? Maybe someone with a ton of history with Helena, who has hated and feared her for her entire life? Someone who’s been conspicuously absent from most of this Dark!Nikolas story, even though she’s so closely related to both him and Sam? Anyone? Bueller?
1. Alaric and Caroline are engaged in the future. OKAY, NOW THIS SHOW IS JUST ACTIVELY FUCKING WITH ME.
Aside from the fact that they have zero chemistry — and possibly the most they’ve ever interacted was when he tortured her while he was evil — this is just gross. And I know that on a show where 35 years olds plays teenagers and characters celebrate their bicentennial birthdays, relative age gets kind of wonky.
But let’s keep in mind the fact that Alaric was Caroline’s high school teacher. He’s a twice widower and the adopted dad of her best friend. If we accept that age gaps like Elena/either Salvatore brother are acceptable because being turned into a vampire retards emotional maturity at the age of death, then Alaric is a grown ass man dating a 22 year old with whose emotional growth stopped at 17. Read more…
This is it! The reunion we’ve all been waiting for, the return of this show’s greatest supercouple: Sonny and his favorite killer for hire are together again! Tears were shed, hands were clutched. Maurice Bernard honestly showed more reaction than Jason’s own wife did. Which is only appropriate, considering he was Jason’s life partner first.
And on the flip side, Billy Miller played Jason like a man who’d rather claw his own skin off than sit through more tales of Jason Morgan. Which was, frankly, AMAZING to watch: Read more…
1. Bonnie and Enzo make out in the future. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. My sweet Bon Bon’s future lips have been besmirched by that smarmy dickhead. This is honestly one of the most upsetting things that has ever happened on this show.
They also get a snarky meet cute in the present to try to justify this heresy, even though they’ve barely spoken two words to each other before now. Truly, this is the darkest timeline.
Oh, and also Bonnie is in a mental institution and apparently made a mistake that cost her someone she loves. Since we’ve now checked in with most of the main cast in the future, that leaves… Jeremy? Maybe?
2. Damon/Valerie/Stefan road trip! Not as fun as a Bonnie/Damon/Alaric road trip, that’s for sure. But Stefan found out the truth about why Valerie never came back for him, and in typical fashion for this show, somehow that cancels out the fact that she’s a vindictive, murderous asshole who was torturing Caroline two days ago. Read more…
Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.
She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!
Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.
Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is. She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Read more…
1. Future Alaric has semi-creepy toddler twin girls! No mom in sight, but Damon does show up to flirt with/threaten him. They clearly have not seen each other in a long time, as Damon doesn’t have an invite and didn’t seem to even know about the girls. I guess that means that he’ll probably be desiccating himself within the next year in order for the timelines to work?
2. Back in the present, Caroline and Stefan tag team the murder lesbians to remove her vervain skin curse! And finally have sex with their emotions turned on! Go teamwork!
The murder lesbians also worked out some of their personal issues, which I would care about more if they weren’t, you know… murdering people left and right. Shut up, murder lesbians. Read more…