Are we sure that’s not a euphemism?

Guys, I am on vacation someplace warm and wonderful where there’s rum and a nice man who brings me frozen coconuts. But my secret soap sources (i.e. fellow sad sacks who’ve been stockholmed into watching this show until we die) inform me that yesterday, there were boobs in open court? (#boobsforfeminism)

Hamilton strokes his lizard

And also that Michael Easton made his — triumphant? I guess? — return in his — fourth? fifth? Are we counting alternate personalities separately? — character. And that character is yet another doctor.  And that doctor enjoys stroking his lizard. And that lizard stroking is somehow not a euphemism, but an actual thing that happened on this television show that we are all for some reason still watching.

Obviously, I love myself way too much to watch General Hospital while I’m trying to relax and not hate life. But please weigh in on the ridiculousness of this event, as I am dying to hear your opinions.

 

How many characters can NOT die in one episode?

Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.

JUMP MORGAN

Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers. Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

The power of Morgan compels you!

He may not remember his life, but Our Lord and Savior Jason Morgan has truly returned! You can tell because otherwise competent women are suddenly utterly unable to function without him. And listen, I know we joke about Saint Jasus a lot, but when characters are literally telling each other to just have faith and he’ll appear, it starts to get a little on the nose, even for me:

SIZZLE in the hospital1

ALEXIS: You probably don’t remember this, but I haven’t always been supportive of your relationship with my daughter. I don’t feel that way anymore. She’s always had faith in you, and you’ve just proven once again that her faith is justified. Thank you.
JASON: Thank you.
ALEXIS: [to Sam] Do you want to strangle me?
SAM: No, I loved everything that you said and it happens to be true. Mom, I was lying in that basement and somehow I knew the whole time that Jason would find me.

We all know I have a partisan horse to back in this race, even if that horse has recently been hobbled and is now basically dragging its rider in circles through the mud in front of a symbolically exploded house. Continue reading

Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Continue reading

You had me at lesbians.

I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.

And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.

Parker and Kristina2

Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading

Soap Report: “Boys Over Flowers”

You guys, I have so many KDrama reviews stacked up. And most of them are for shows I really loved! But good lord, this was not one of them.

Where to even begin? Boys Over Flowers is an insanely popular KDrama based on an insanely popular manga, which previously spawned multiple other popular tv adaptations. Basically, people love the crap out of this story.

boysoverflowers_a5gldkw-jpg

My body was super ready to love this! High school rich kid drama! Baby Lee Min Ho rocking some ridiculous curls! Sadly, it was all kind of enraging and terrible.

What’s it about? A fictional Korean corporation has created a private school open solely to the one percent. The school is ruled by F4, a gang of four uber-elite seniors worshiped by the rest of the student body because they’re rich and hot and also will casually ruin the lives of anyone who looks at them sideways. Continue reading

Farewell, sweet Neurosurgeon!

“Self,” I said to myself last night, “you haven’t posted an episode reaction in a while. Let’s do one tonight.” And then yesterday’s episode featured heavy amounts of Kiki existing, Morgan’s emotional problems, and gross Ava/Paul flirtation.

So, let’s talk about Robin and Patrick’s third (fourth? Does that vow renewal after she came back from the dead count?) wedding!

Scrubs wedding kiss

You know, as sad as I am to lose Jason Thompson — and as especially sad as I am to lose him to Y&R instead of a better opportunity somewhere in primetime — it’s just such a relief that Robin is finally done being kidnapped after almost three straight years of captivity. And even if the stylists have been doing their best to soften the blow by making Patrick’s hair as awful as humanly possible lately, and even though their reunion was totally rushed, I’m also glad to see Scrubs fans getting the happily ever after they’ve been waiting for. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading