Heyyyyyyy, guys. I haven’t watched this show in months because the real world has been depressing enough, frankly. But it’s sweeps now and things seem mildly interesting again?
Diane needs a stiff drink from the MetroCourt bar, because she’s about to go into court against a really tough opponent: Llanview, PA’s woman of the year, Nora Buchanan! Who, of course, is sitting right next to her.
Nina is frazzled and alone in the offices of a major fashion magazine, because only three people have ever worked there and she just fired one of them. Valentin swans in and hangs up her phone in the most menacing way possible. Like, the person on the other end definitely thinks the editor of Crimson is being kidnapped or murdered right now. He demands to know where she was last night. Nina’s surprised he even noticed, since he’s been so distracted by Anna lately. Continue reading
Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.
At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.
it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not
Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading
Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.
Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.
not pictured: believable crying
Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.
Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading
Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.
Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.
well, that escalated quickly
Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father. And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out. Continue reading
So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.
(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever? And I think my brain actually exploded?)
Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)
YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading
When Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante came on board, there were a lot of big promises about bringing romance back. Almost a year later, we’ve seen Hayden mourn the man who had her shot in the head, Lucas and Brad’s exciting off screen honeymoon, and Julian threatening to slit Alexis’ throat.
But that’s all about to change, because people were getting all hot and bothered this week! Sure, they were all couples no one cares about. And sure, all these people have the chemistry of dead fish being smacked together. But love in the afternoon, you guys! Sort of!
pretty bras in the afternoon?
How can such attractive people possibly be so boring? Oh, right… she has no personality and he has no plot and together they get about five minutes of airtime a month. Now, I remember.
I want to like Valerie. I really do. She’s part of a core family, she’s one of two non-white women on the show, and despite the whole Dante mess, she’s not an offensive character. But they do absolutely nothing with her family connections and everything else about her is just criminally bland when she’s even on screen at all.
On the other hand, Curtis is the most charismatic new male character since poor dead Carlos. And just like both Carlos and his oddly less attractive twin, Curtis is being wasted on a total lump of a leading lady. (Side note: I will give one hundred virtual dollars to anyone who can explain why so many men are inexplicably obsessed with Sabrina. PLEASE someone explain it to me.) Meanwhile, Rebecca Herbst is sitting right over there, spending all of her considerable chemistry on a serial killer while these good looking men languish in romantic black holes. Because the universe hates me. Continue reading
Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:
We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.
I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions! Continue reading
So Jax most likely purchased a black market kidney from a non-consenting child and then let Elizabeth, Jason, and Lucky believe it was Jake’s for years. That’s fine. I’m fine. EVERYTHING’S FINE.
To avoid having a rage aneurysm about that — or about the fact that Alexis is a pod person who seems more upset about her career problems than her beloved nephew’s death — let’s just all take some deep breaths and enjoy the brief reunion of one of my favorite soap friendships of all time:
JAX: I hope you know that you have a ton of people out there who love and support you, who you can lean on. So you shouldn’t be afraid to just do that.
JAX: Okay? I know it’s hard for you to see right now with all this craziness going on, but you’re more than a lawyer. You’re a mother, warrior, friend… so no matter what happens at that hearing next week, you’re still going to be all of those things. And so much more.
Sure, she nearly went to prison, her husband tried to murder her, and she’s lost all professional respect. But Alexis got a pep talk while drinking wine and gazing into Jax’s impossibly blue eyes. So really, is her life really all that bad?
(Yes, yes it is. Her life is a flaming turd bag and there is not enough wine in the world to fix it.)
Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.
But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)
hey there, dreamy mcdream face
Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading
Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.
At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.
Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun! Continue reading