It’s a bad sign when you’re too bored to rant.

Friends, it’s been over two weeks since I last wrote anything about General Hospital. I think that’s a new record? It’s not that I haven’t been watching. It’s just that the days have all blended together in a big boring haze of Franco and Carly bellowing, FauxLuke being gross with Kiki, pre-teen love triangles, and Sabrina and Patrick making doe eyes at each other.

AJ haunts Sonny

(I mean sure, occasionally AJ’s ghost shows up to troll Sonny. But a girl’s attention cannot be held by ghost trolling alone, magnificent though it may be.) Continue reading

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At least some things never change…

It is a great comfort to me that the one true constant of this show under this or any other writing regime remains true: Sonny and Carly alone or with other people may have moments of non-suckitude. But together? They feed on each other’s terribleness to form a TERRIBLENESS VORTEX.

Exhibit A: literally every single word of their conversation about his murdering AJ the other day:

Sonny is terrible

CARLY: You’re his father. You raised him, you loved him. Hell, you’d crawl on broken glass for him You’d do anything for him.
SONNY: Except keep my word.

I was going to go with “except not murder people” but that was a good effort, Sonny! (Also, if you’re going to start making self-aware burns on yourself now, it’s not going to leave me much to do. Stick to what you’re good at, kid: murdering people and then blaming them for ruining your life.) Continue reading

Night of a thousand Carlys!

Another year, another anniversary, another recap. Before we get into it, I’m calling a moment of silence for Television Without Pity. Here’s to you, TWoP: there was a time when posting on the GH forums was the only thing that got me through some very boring days. We’ll always have our memories. And Demian’s magnificent Charmed recaps.

Onto this recap! We open in black and white, on a picture of Steve Hardy and other notables from GH’s past, hanging on a wall in the hospital.

Steve Hardy portrait

A ghostly voice over the hospital intercom pages him, Alan Quartermaine, Jessie Brewer, Rick Webber, Jeff Webber, Leslie Webber, Noah Drake, Amy Vining, and Tony Jones as we pan across the empty hospital. Well, this is probably going to be emotionally devastating.

Right on cue: color and people return to the screen as Monica steps out of the elevator, telling us in voiceover that even though she’s dealt with death so often as a doctor, it never gets easier when it’s a loved one. Well, Monica would know. She’s had enough practice. Continue reading

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Well, it’s official: Sean Kanan’s leaving. To say I’m disappointed would be something of an understatement, but there have been rumors for months, so it’s not exactly a shock.

Rather than rail about all the wasted months languishing off screen in jail or arguing with Tracy about relish (when they should OBVIOUSLY have been making relish together on the assembly line!) or — most importantly — not having hot sex with Elizabeth every night, I’m going to focus on the one part of AJ’s story that I’ve consistently enjoyed:

AJ and Michael hospital

MICHAEL: I promise if you wake up now, all you have to do is listen. So I can tell you how much I love you. You hear me, dad? You’re my father and I love you. Just please come back.

Every time Michael clutches AJ’s hand and promises to get the bastard who shot him, I swear my heart grows three sizes. And not just because watching Sonny squirm is the most fun the character’s been in years. But even if AJ’s return was ultimately disappointing, at least we’ll always have the satisfaction of Michael finally learning the full truth about all three of his parents, right? Because that is still pretty much priceless for me. Continue reading

Finally, things are looking up!

I spent most of the last week enjoying the slightly warmer temperatures and totally delicious wines of the opposite coast, so please forgive me if this is slightly incoherent. But the show’s gotten a lot more interesting in the last few days, right? That’s not just my jet-lag talking?

First of all, Anna Devane, y’all:

Anna and Obrecht

ANNA: Faison? He deserves to be dead. No–he deserves worse. And perhaps that’s what Robert and I gave him.
OBRECHT: What are you saying?
ANNA: Maybe we let him live, so he could suffer for what he did to us — for letting us believe our daughter was dead. For taking Robin from us for two years! For those sadistic games that he played, taunting us with hints that Robin was alive when he had her! All along! For letting us live in doubt, never knowing the truth, torturing us with uncertainty. Well, you let me know if any of this sounds familiar to you. Because isn’t this what you’re going through right now? How does it feel not knowing the truth from a lie? You feel really vulnerable, don’t you? You feel ignorant at everything that’s going on. You’re at the mercy of someone who despises you. How does it feel when the shoe is on the other foot?

Is it wrong that her listing all the ways she might have killed Faison turned me a on a little? Because it if is, then I don’t really want to be right. Continue reading

I think I kind of love Brad now?

Like all soap fans — oh, hush, you know it’s true — I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. I mean, I try not to be psycho about it. But let’s be honest: one of the charms of soap operas is getting to still be pissed off about stuff that happened decades ago.

(I’m sure there’s someone out there right now, seething with resentment over something that happened on this show in 1963. And to that person, I say: whatever it is… NEVER FORGET.)

But there does come a time when I try to let go of certain issues so I can enjoy what’s happening in the now.

Robin and Sonny reunion

AJ and Robin

All of which is an extremely long-winded way of saying HOLY HELL, I AM STILL PISSED WE HAD TO WAIT THIS LONG… but I still really enjoyed the reunion scenes between Robin, Sonny, and AJ the other day.  Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships. Continue reading

If you expected me to lead with anything else, you don’t know me very well.

Well, this has certainly been an eventful week! I think it’s safe to say today featured one of the most moving visuals in recent memory. No, not Lulu tearfully collapsing in Dante’s arms after being forced to give up their baby. Don’t be silly.

This is something much more important:

Elizabeth haircut

SUPER CUTE HAIR ALERT

You guys! YOU GUYS. Do you realize how long I’ve been waiting for this day? Nine years. Nine freaking years for Rebecca Herbst to cut her hair.

(Some of you may be thinking that it’s a little sad for a person to be that invested in a stranger’s hairstyle. And to those people, I say: yes. Yes, it is.) (Also: shut up your face.) Continue reading

Quit playing games with my heart.

Real talk: I’m always going to be pissed about AJ choking Connie. Especially because that was so completely unnecessary in order to set up the murder mystery. (This an on-going weakness in Ron Carlivati’s writing where he takes sloppy shortcuts and also doesn’t seem to know where the line is. And it drives me nuts.)

But credit where credit’s due, after taking things way too far, he does also sometimes call it what it is:

AJ guilty

AJ: What kind of piece of scum says something like that? I mean to anybody, let alone the woman that he cares about? Yeah, I’ll tell you who does it — the same person that would kill someone for writing an article that he didn’t like. Which is why, Michael, I’ve decided that I’m–I’m going to plead guilty.

Self-awareness! Personal responsibility! How novel! I was especially glad to see him recognizing how INSANE his anger toward Connie was, and also not making any excuses for it. And then, of course, there’s his guilt and shame over the way he treated Elizabeth. Which: yes, bring it on. GROVELING. I DEMAND INTENSE AND PROTRACTED GROVELING. Continue reading

Well, that escalated quickly.

I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Lord knows I’ve hated every moment of Scotty’s return that’s involved him panting after Laura like she’s a prize dog that might get away, i.e. every moment of his return minus one or two scenes with Lucy. So far be it for me to complain about the end of their marriage.

But… really? After pursuing her for years, including fighting her children for control of her comatose body, stalking her to Paris, and badgering her into a quickie marriage (because he and Morgan apparently attended the same school of “Marriage is the Surefire Solution to Any Troubled Relationship”) we’re supposed to believe he’d give up entirely? Just like that?

Scotty wants a divorce

I got nothing, guys. The only thing I can assume is that Carlivati hated obsessive, possessive, stuck-in-the-past Scotty as much as I did, but felt he couldn’t do away with that characterization before at least addressing it. Because otherwise, the speed of that divorce just gave me some whiplash. Continue reading