Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.
Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.
well, that escalated quickly
Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father. And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out. Continue reading
So Jax most likely purchased a black market kidney from a non-consenting child and then let Elizabeth, Jason, and Lucky believe it was Jake’s for years. That’s fine. I’m fine. EVERYTHING’S FINE.
To avoid having a rage aneurysm about that — or about the fact that Alexis is a pod person who seems more upset about her career problems than her beloved nephew’s death — let’s just all take some deep breaths and enjoy the brief reunion of one of my favorite soap friendships of all time:
JAX: I hope you know that you have a ton of people out there who love and support you, who you can lean on. So you shouldn’t be afraid to just do that.
JAX: Okay? I know it’s hard for you to see right now with all this craziness going on, but you’re more than a lawyer. You’re a mother, warrior, friend… so no matter what happens at that hearing next week, you’re still going to be all of those things. And so much more.
Sure, she nearly went to prison, her husband tried to murder her, and she’s lost all professional respect. But Alexis got a pep talk while drinking wine and gazing into Jax’s impossibly blue eyes. So really, is her life really all that bad?
(Yes, yes it is. Her life is a flaming turd bag and there is not enough wine in the world to fix it.)
Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?
Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:
ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.
I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading
Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.
Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers. Continue reading
It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).
Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading
I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.
And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.
Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading
The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.
Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.
At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading
Alexis is watching the coverage of Franco’s trial with a bottle of wine (hey, me too!) when Sam shows up. She thinks drinking a bottle wine alone is verging on “hot mess territory.” Um, some of us just call that “Monday,” Sam. Don’t judge.
At the hospital, Patrick catches Liz — who should only wear that shade of red, by the way — admiring her engagement ring of lies and betrayal. He offers his congratulations. When she says they haven’t had time to do any wedding planning yet, he suggests Maxie could help out, prompting a patented Elizabeth Webber “bitch please” look. Continue reading
I guess it’s comforting that even if the rest of the town has gone insane, Carly is still Carly. And by that, I mean also insane, but in a totally predictable, in character way:
CARLY: You’re arrogant. You’re ruthless. You’re vindictive. You’re violent. And when you get angry, you can be really cruel.
SONNY: [chuckles, like “yeah, I’m terrible, LOL”]
CARLY: But you’re also loyal. Courageous. An incredible father. You’re the most charming man I have ever met.
An incredible father! Those words came out of her mouth, without irony, after everything that’s happened over the last year! Amazing. Continue reading
Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?
So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.
I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them. Continue reading