Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant.

I’ve said it before, but one of the nicest things about Ron Carlivati’s tenure is the certainty that even if something really isn’t working for me, it’s only a matter of time before a better thing will appear. We may never know what the plan was before all the backstage drama with Prospect Park, but I think it’s safe to say the rushed rewrites has resulted in a mixed bag. At best. It’s just… it’s been a rough month or so.

But we may be seeing the start of a course correction? Vets are popping up all other the place again, there’s a couple mass umbrella stories a-brewin’, and SAM’S FREAKING DAD. Plus yesterday we got an episode showcasing one of my very favorite things in the soap world:

Scotty, Lucy and Tracy

LUCY: Okay, you wanna know a secret?
SCOTT: [suspicious] No.
LUCY: Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway! I wouldn’t mind if Kevin was sitting here, having a piece of pie with me. But the truth is, I would not change one single moment of this evening.
LUCY: No, because I loved the way you handled Tracy! Do you know you did more for me and for Deception than Kevin’s done yet at all.
SCOTT: Well, I’m glad I could be at your service.
LUCY: Thank you, Captain. Scott Baldwin, you are a very, very good friend. And! A negotiator extraordinaire.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, GUYS. Like, seriously. It must be literal magic. Because the amount of annoyance I feel for Scotty when he’s involved in pretty much any other story than being Lucy’s BFF is astronomical. But two seconds of he and Lucy working together to fleece Tracy? I’m all aboard the Scott Baldwin love train. (Also, please let that reference to their children mean we’re actually going to see Serena and/or Christina soon? PLEASE?) Continue reading


I feel so conflicted right now.

This show is giving me whiplash lately. The stuff that’s bad?  So, so very bad. Wretched. Awful. Nigh unwatchable. I mean, Monica letting Franco stay in the Quartermaine mansion out of “respect” for Alan? Every single second Sonny and Shawn are on screen together? Morgan? Just terrible.

But the stuff that’s good? The question of Sam’s dad finally about to be answered? Laura and Lucy in business together? Liz and AJ? Really quite entertaining. And then, of course, there was this:

Georgie returns

GEORGIE: Oh, Maxie I’m not telling you what to do. Only you can figure that out.
MAXIE: No! You’re so much better at figuring things out than I am!
GEORGIE: I’m sorry that I can’t be there to hold you when you do decide.
MAXIE: I miss you, Georgie.
GEORGIE: I know. I miss you too.
MAXIE: It’s not fair. Why can’t you be here? I need you.
GEORGIE: You have me, Maxie. I’m always with you — maybe not right next to you, but… I’m always in your heart.

In the show in my head, Frisco is still off secretly following leads that will prove Georgie’s death was faked. You know, for reasons. (Hell, maybe Jerry Jacks has her! That’s kind of his thing these days, anyway.) Continue reading

This just in: Morgan may be PC’s dumbest human.

I realize there’s been some pretty stiff competition in that category this week. I mean, he didn’t fall for the world’s most transparent lie and then shoot the wrong person in the chest, a la Shawn “Why is my boss standing in front of the target if he ordered this hit? Oh well, better shoot anyway” Butler.

But in the space of one episode, Morgan took part in the following conversations:

Morgan is stupid

KIKI: Guess what? Last night, I met my super rich relatives. They’re fighting each other for control of the family company, and my shares could be the deciding vote!
MICHEAL: Guess what? The cousin I just found out about showed up on the Quartermaine doorstep last night. Which is lucky, because her shares could by the deciding vote for control of the family company.
MORGAN: I in no way see a connection between these two events.

And then Alice came bring him to the Qs and he not only went with her without once bothering to even ask for the name of this mysterious rich and powerful family in his hometown, but also somehow didn’t even notice where they were going until he was literally inside the mansion. Continue reading

Welcome home, friends.

Y’all, it is a good week to be a soap fan. After almost a decade of dire predictions of the death of our entire genre — helped along by a rapid decline in writing and the disappearance of six (six!) shows since 2003 — being a Daytime fan felt a bit like going to a wake every day. And not the fun kind with good music and lots of alcohol.

As primarily ABCD viewers, the two of us mourned the cancellations of Guiding Light and As the World Turns (the distant cousins you see once a year at family reunions) and Passions (everyone’s favorite crazy druncle) at a bit of a remove. And though we lost Port Charles, we still had, you know… actual Port Charles.

Losing All My Children and One Life to Live was different. They were our sisters, you know? Maybe we didn’t see either of them regularly or have a lot in common, but we found comfort in knowing they were always there, just a phone call (or a stop in line at the grocery store) away. And losing them hurt. A lot.

Vicki and Clint

Brooke and Adam


It’s a brave new world, people! Not only is our show good again, but the rest of band’s getting back together! And sure, format’s changed a little, but if that’s the price we have to pay for the dead to rise and live again? I’ll take it. Continue reading

This is the song that never ends…

Guys, I think it’s time to face a painful reality. We’re just… we’re never getting rid of this D.I.D story, are we?

It’s been over a year now, and I think I’m finally starting to come to terms. I was in some strong denial there for a while, but hearing Kate realize she’d been gone for five months kind of kicked my denial in the face. (Five months! That’s how long this stage of the story has been going on! And that wasn’t even the beginning! Not by a long shot!)

Now I’m stuck on bargaining. Because I thought the writers and I at least had an agreement wherein I would ignore all the plots that drive me to drink and they wouldn’t force me to sit through episodes that contained all three at once. Judging by this week thus far, though? Not so much.

Connie's back


On any given day, I can roll my eyes through Todd and Carly gassing on about how neither of them has ever loved before, even though both of them spent the better part of the last year obsessed with completely different people. I can sit through Sabrina’s juvenile antics, because hey, at least it gets Jason Thompson’s pretty face on my tv screen. I can even grit my teeth through Konnie and Kate fighting over how Sonny cheated on both of them by sleeping with THE SAME DAMN WOMAN, even though the logical inconsistencies in this story are now large enough to be seen from space.

But I can’t deal with all three at once. JE REFUSE, MONSIEUR CARLIVATI!  Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!


MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

Be still my heart, ladies.

It’s been a really good week for lady friendships in Port Charles in general — whether old ones like Felicia and Anna girl-talking over Duke and Robert, or new ones like Starr helping Molly with her hilariously badly titled novel.

But today was truly an embarrassment of riches. I mean, a whole episode of my girls, Téa and Blair, basically talking about how much they love each other? BE STILL MY BIG, GAY HEART.

BLAIR: Todd is officially behind me.
TÉA: And not between us anymore. We can now connect in a better way–
TÉA: –as sisters-in-law.

Well, I tried, anyway. But seriously how cute were these two today? Even if they never make out — although THEY TOTALLY SHOULD — I just love them to death.

(I have no idea where this Alcazar thing is going, but I’m kind of loving that they’re actually going for it instead of just doing that weird thing where no one notices that an exact look-alike of someone they all knew is hanging around. Plus, Ted King! Who I really like! And really, would it be such a stretch to believe his arms dealer persona was all a CIA deep cover operation?)

Anyway, Téa and Blair weren’t the only ladies making my heart happy today.  Continue reading

How is everything so sad so wonderful?

Because I am a normal person and not a soap opera character, I actually have a job that I can’t ignore for days at a time to concentrate on more engaging pursuits like poisoning my enemies with LSD. Or… writing long meditations on the prettiness of Jason Thompson’s tear-filled eyes. Just as a hypothetical.


So I sadly haven’t been able to devote my full attention to blogging this past week. But, oh my stars and garters, you guys, this show. THIS SHOW! What is even happening right now? How is it all so good? First of all, in the words of my co-blogger: ROOOOOBIIIIIIIIIN!!! But also: Eweeeeeeen! Is totes evil! I don’t want to say I told you so (WHO AM I KIDDING, I LOVE SAYING THAT) but I’ve been waiting for the reveal that he is somehow up to no good ever since his super sketchy debut. Vindication!

Of course, there’s clearly something more to it. Is he Faison’s secret son? Brainwashed and under duress? Part of a Cassadine plot? Connected to some other villain from Anna and Robert’s past? SO MANY EXCITING POSSIBILITIES! Especially since… Continue reading

Thank you, Mannings! Come again!

Robin’s funeral today! I plan on getting preemptively drunk. Just so you know.

But before we get to that, though, a hell of a lot happened in the last two days. First up: Blair and Carly! And look how cute they are:

This is the moment of the OLTL crossover I’ve been most looking forward to ever since the promo with these two clinking glasses first came out. Watching them meet was totally fascinating — I’ve always thought that Blair is basically what Carly should have been. You know, if she’d ever truly been allowed to grow up. So they could really either hate each other on sight… or get along like a house on fire.

Guess which route Carlivati chose!

CARLY: Here’s to no more men with lousy childhoods.
BLAIR: Oh, God. Amen to that, sister!

Oh, you adorable ladies! Of course, Téa will always be Blair’s true lady love, but please feel free to be besties forever and get drunk on Scotch while making fun of your mutual terrible taste in men! (One of my favorite things about soaps is when they allow their characters to acknowledge how ludicrous their lives are. Blair trying to explain that she’d married Todd five times but this Todd only three? So beautiful to me.)

Meanwhile, their crazy, soon-to-be star-crossed kids were busy doing some parallel bonding over their love for their violent, criminal fathers. Continue reading

Can someone on this show get a puppy or something?

Hey, remember when Maxie was the worst (non-Sonny) person in the history of the world? And then she sort of killed Robin and didn’t even know it? And all we wanted in the world was for her to realize that she was terrible?

Well, today she did. And it, too, was terrible but in a different way. I still can’t help but wish that Kirsten Storms was here for this story. Her Maxie had more nuance and she had more history with Robin to draw on.

But Jen Lilley really brought it today. I even felt bad for Maxie! Which is something of a miracle, given how wretched she’s been lately!

(Also: how in the hell have we not gotten a single scene with Maxie and Mac yet? Effing Padilla has had a chance to give Mac her condolences but not his own daughter? C’mon, RC! Make it happen!) Continue reading