Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day One

Nurses’ Ball time! This episode assumed I care a whole lot more about the state of Nina and Valentin’s marriage and the big Morgan pill mystery than I actually do. Which is not at all in both cases. But still, we got some vets and some fancy dresses, so that’s something, right?

work it, spencers

This year, Burt’s Bees has given Aveeno the boot and ABC’s contractually obligated D-list celebrity host is Mario Lopez, who was barely able to pretend he gave a crap about any of this during his twenty minutes of work: Continue reading

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Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

The Guza is strong in this one.

Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.

Carly and Sonny in the chapel

Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now. Continue reading

Happy birthday, baby.

Well, folks, it’s hard to believe it’s been another year already, but here we are. So, happy birthday, General Hospital! Even though I complain sometimes — sometimes a lot — I’m glad you’re still around.

Old credits

We open this year’s anniversary episode on Luke standing outside the old Elm Street house — which is way more intact than I expected, considering a bomb went off in the basement not that long ago. I am seriously starting to doubt Jason’s qualifications as a demolitions expert, you guys. Continue reading

The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point.

Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

Jagger and Steve Hardy

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Whatever, Hardy. Continue reading

What a twist!

No, I don’t mean the big Bill reveal at the end. I’m talking about the surprise twist that the combination of Sonny, Julian, Franco and Ava forced to spend time together is actually… not terrible? Like, I legitimately guffawed more than once while watching Sonny’s pained expressions as Ava and Franco bickered in the back seat.

Sonny is pained

The face I normally make when Sonny talks

We are talking about three characters I normally can’t fast forward through fast enough, and one who is useless when not half naked and ripping clothes off of Alexis. And yet somehow, together, they don’t suck quite as much. I know! No one was more surprised than me! Continue reading

Songs in the key of crazy ladies.

If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.

But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.

Jason has facial expressions now

Liz snark

ADORABLE SNARKY BABIES

You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2014: Wrap up

On the last few days of the Nurses’ Ball: Blackie Parrish was a total lie, Epiphany’s interest in Milo’s junk started to get creepy, I had a lot of feelings about the Westbourne siblings, and Doc broke all of our hearts.

Westbourne sibs1

ADORABLE GOOBERS AND I LOVE THEM

The two big themes of the end of the ball seemed to be: 1) pushy dudes, and 2) friendship. Which is kind of a weird combo, when you think about it, but okay. Seriously, though — between Ric, Scotty, Brad, FauxLuke and freaking Spencer, is there a single guy of any age on this show capable of taking no for an answer?

(I keep hoping Nikolas will explain to his son that Emma is not a prize and he’s not entitled to her forgiveness or love just because he wants it. But then I remember Nikolas himself would have to be aware of these concepts in the first place, so… basically this will never happen.) Continue reading

To be filed under: things I never thought I’d see.

Hey, remember that time Jerry Jacks came back to town with a new face and a different accent and started gleefully torturing people he used to like with no explanation? Including the daughter of his former fiance? And remember how years passed and he never once even acknowledged that his relationship with Bobbie ever existed, because Bob Guza is the hackiest hack who ever hacked?

Since this is a time for giving thanks, let’s just all take a moment, bow our heads, and be grateful that we now have a head writer who’d rather let this happen:

Bobbie and Jerry

JERRY: For God’s sake, Bobbie, we use to mean something to each other!
BOBBIE: Oh, yeah? Well, anything we had ended on our wedding day when you got arrested.

BARBARA JEAN IS IN THE HOUSE, Y’ALL. I was delightfully unspoiled for her visit, but when she opened the hotel room door and came face to face with Jerry, I actually started seal clapping in a really embarrassing way. YOU GUYS. I’M SO PLEASED BY THIS DEVELOPMENT.

I have no idea where its going, but just the sight of the two of them together, acknowledging their past, has me giddy. GIDDY! Continue reading