I’m running out of synonyms for “HATE.”

So, I want to rant about this whole “shocking” “twist” of Claudia being Johnny’s mother, but honestly? It just makes me tired. (Can something really be considered “shocking” if people have been speculating about this being true for about as long as Claudia has been a character? And can it really count as a “twist” if half the major participants in the story have been dead for years?)

(Also, Gino Soleito? Really? At least we knew Trevor Lansing, and from their interactions before he died, it was clear some kind of sexual abuse had likely occurred when she was a teenager. But some random dead character from another show? What? WHY?)

Mostly, though, I want you to take a good, long look at this face:

This is the face of a man who’s just learned that his dead wife — who was basically sold to him by her psychotic, abusive father as part of a business deal — was also pimped out to another mobster when she was little more than a child, and then forced to let that same abusive psychopath take her own child from her and raise him as her brother while abusing him and banishing her from the house for years.

Basically, this is the face of a man thinking about the systematic rape and psychological torture of an underage girl.

(Recall, also, that this is the same man who thinks his own unhappy childhood entitles him to the unending compassion and empathy of everyone in his life, no matter how much they’re hurt because of him. Yeah.)

Sonny Corinthos, ladies and gentlemen: what a wretched fucking excuse for a human being. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2009

Ah, 2009. Filled with repetitive drivel, an outbreak of SORAS and a cornucopia of casting craziness.

Let’s take a look back, shall we?

General Hospital 2009:

PATRICK: Here, hold your daughter.
ROBIN: I’m a bad mom. Patrick is a better father than I am a mother.

JERRY: Hello, dear brother. I’m confessing my rather minuscule involvement in Michael’s shooting for no particular reason, but you can never tell your wife because she wouldn’t be able to forgive you for… being my brother. Or… something.
JAX: That makes total sense. I’m sure this secret won’t at all come back to haunt me in roughly nine months time!

JERRY: I’ve also got a present for you, Claudia, darling! I’m not even on this show anymore, but that’s not going to stop me from being creepy and illogical! These DVDs implicating the two of us in Michael’s shooting are hidden around your house. Isn’t this a wonderful game?
CLAUDIA: … Seriously? Well, guess I’ll wait until someone is just about to come in the room before I look for them.
SONNY: What are you doing?
CLAUDIA: Nothing! Let’s have gross sex with sabotaged protection so that I can get pregnant with your baby in an attempt to prevent my inevitable murder.
SONNY: Works for me.
VIEWERS: *YAK*

Continue reading

Oh, the humanity!

When I read spoilers that Michael would be the one to kill Claudia, I knew it would be horrendous. I did not expect it to also be hysterically funny, but there I go, underestimating this show again.

To the director who decided to go with a wailing, Gladiator-esque, New Age soundtrack pumped over faux-artsy slow-motion shots of Michael bashing his step-mother in the face with an axe:

I SALUTE YOU, SIR!

That was extraordinarily entertaining, in the sense that I had to pause the TiVo several times for fear of choking on my dinner, I was laughing so hard.

Madonna and Child

The kicker was when the soundtrack went into overdrive as the camera rested reverently on Saint Jason’s hands lifting the baby (from where she’d been dropped after the woman holding her was hit. In the face. With an axe), to Madonna Carly’s beatific smile. I was surprised the director resisted the urge to have the rain stop and the heavens part to shine a ray of angelic light down on the scene.

The whole thing was just surreally, gloriously, fantastically BAD. I love it. Continue reading

Countdown to disgust, nausea and rage

It is so unfortunate that Sarah Brown’s exit has to come in the same week as Jonathan Jackson’s premiere. This whole build up to Claudia’s inevitably disgustingly violent death is making me writhe with pain. I should be giddy with joy. Instead I have to hear Patrick described with the four words I never wanted to hear:

Robin: You sound like Sonny.

No! Uh uh. No way. Undo. No more. DO NOT WANT!

I really, really hate it when the writers don’t treat Patrick and Robin like the intelligent doctors they are supposed to be. The fact that they didn’t think of the consequences of helping Jason beforehand is ridiculous.  And the fact that they have Robin basically saying “Oh well, not our problem,” is beyond illogical. Why have them have this discussion in the first place? Enough Patrick and Robin nonsense, please. I’d much rather see Robin dressed up like a space princess any day.

And hey, it makes sense that Michael is turning out to be the sociopath he was raised to be. But couldn’t Kristina argue with Michael that killing Claudia is WRONG? Can no one on this show utter these words?

Even Sam is talking about Jason killing Claudia like they are deciding what kind of sandwich to have for lunch. I’m just so tired of all the blah, blah, blahing about justice. The moral hitman, killing for what is right! Who needs a justice system when you have Jason Morgan?! Puke.  Can’t one person confront them? Can’t one individual ask who made Sonny and Jason God? Oh wait, yes. Nevermind. That was Bob Guza.

I just can’t handle it when the supposed rational characters decide that the legal system doesn’t work and they should just look the other way. Get your mob brainwashing off my fun, sexy doctors!

I can’t believe I’m already this enraged and it is only Monday. It is only going to get worse. And how futile is it to hope that the Spencer material will lift my spirits and take away from the mob suck? I think that is just about as likely as Jason’s halo finally being knocked off.

They’re going to screw this up, aren’t they?

Johnny and Olivia’s break up has so much soapy potential, but also so many ways in which it could go horribly, horribly wrong that I’m having trouble enjoying it as much as I would like to:

The Good:

Lisa LoCicero broke my heart when Olivia was desperately lying to Johnny that she didn’t love him. (Incidentally, I am so jealous of pretty criers. If that was me, my face would have been blotchy, red, and disgusting. But I digress.)

I love the set up of forcing her to choose between her son and the man she loves. Brilliant! I even love that she’s talking about loving Sonny, because it is so clear that nothing could be further from the truth. (Thank GOD.) And Johnny’s hurt disbelief was deliciously painful to watch.

The Bad:

It’s nice that the writers at least remembered that Olivia knows the truth about Claudia’s involvement in Michael’s accident. It’s a lot less nice that they chose to treat both her and Jax like complete MORONS who aren’t smart enough to realize you don’t actually have to use information like that in order for it to be effective blackmail material.

All they needed to do was have Olivia threaten to expose Claudia’s secret to Sonny. Claudia could have fired back that if Olivia did that, Johnny would be exposed too. Stalemate! And it would make sense and put Olivia in the even more untenable position of choosing between hurting Johnny’s heart or getting him killed.

It also would have been nice if we’d seen her at least contemplating the idea of telling Johnny some version of the truth. If she’d only called Jax to talk it over before talking to Johnny, we could have seen her suggest and reject ideas like asking Johnny to fake breaking up, telling him Dominic is Dante (but not that Dante’s a cop), etc. I don’t need to see her actually do any of those things, but knowing that she’d thought about alternatives would have given the actual break up more weight.

And then there’s this, which I hated:

jolivia forced kiss

No, not the kissing. Kissing is great! But why Continue reading

How did psychotic, power hungry political wives murder before Google?

This and other burning questions came up as I watched Friday’s GH. Now, I admit I had more questions than usual because I live in Massachusetts and the show has been preempted by the Ted Kennedy coverage for the last two days. So if I’m wondering about something that seems blatantly obvious to you, dear readers, please comment!

My confusion begins with Jason and Sam finding Michael and Kristina. Jason is supposed to be the hero, right? Pulling a gun and threatening kids is heroic, right? RIGHT? Ugh.

At Johnny’s garage: Does Sonny know the definition of the word “irony”? Is he really taking himself seriously when he demands that Johnny treat Claudia better? Did anyone else imagine a hundred ways of doing Sonny bodily harm as he bullied Johnny into apologizing to his sister? Does anyone else want Johnny to leave the mob, join the PCPD and have buddy cop adventures with Dante?

Why was Claudia all bent on revenge when it seemed a child was responsible for her miscarriage, but now that she thinks it was Alexis’ fault, she doesn’t even confront her? Does anyone understand Claudia’s motivations? Does anyone care?

And at the Jacks home: Do the writers think that by showing us Kiefer, we will think Sonny is less horrible by comparison? Do they realize that he just looks like a mini-Sonny instead? One Sonny is enough, thank you very much.

While watching Sonny and Alexis discuss their daughter, my brain practically melted from all the hypocrisy. Is anyone else flabbergasted by the idea that Sonny and Alexis are discussing whether Alexis will continue to protect Kristina, considering how Sonny has protected Michael from consequences for much worse actions, time and time again? Did Sonny really try to defend his position by using the fact that he is a professional criminal? Crazy says what?

Meanwhile at Crimson, doesn’t Kate look wonderful? Wasn’t it cunning of the writers to have Lulu accuse Maxie of rewriting history in the middle of a story that did just that!?! You mean that wasn’t intentional?

Finally, while watching Patrick and Robin’s scenes I can’t help but wonder how the GH writers have such a distinct talent for taking what I want and twisting it to make me regret ever wanting it. Why can’t this murder mystery story make any sense? *Sigh*

And the worst parent of the century award goes to:

Sonny Corinthos!

Not that any of the parents on this show are winning Mother or Father of the Year, but Sonny takes the cake. Way to blame your son for a situation that you created! I’m almost certain that it’s going to turn out Michael didn’t even cause this accident, even though that would actually be what Sonny and Claudia deserve. Eliminating Michael as a suspect only leaves Alexis and Kristina as suspects. I will not be pleased if it turns out to be either. Although it’s just as likely it will end up being a character the writers pull out of their asses.

And they need to stop having people give the requisite “it wasn’t your fault” talk when people actually take responsibility for their actions. Although I appreciated that Johnny’s, “it was an accident, Sonny,” was kind of half-hearted. It just goes to show what a good person Johnny is, because he seemed to take no pleasure in telling Sonny that one of his son’s killed the other. I, on the other hand, kept telling Sonny, “that’s karma, bitch.”

Sonny tearing  into Michael may have been one of the most horrible moments I’ve seen on GH, and I’ve seen so, so many.  But after seeing Michael’s expression — knowing that unlike his father, he actually feels guilt about hurting others — I seriously wanted to do violence to Sonny. The rage was uncontrollable.

Everyone is so worried about Carly, but if this crap continues, I’m the one who’s going to have a stroke.

How does it go down hill so fast?

Sometimes when the stars align and we get some half-way decent scenes I have to wonder how the hell it turns to suck so fast.

Today’s episode was a perfect example of this.

The Good:

1) Somehow, Michael developed a  conscience. I’m not sure how this happened considering all the adults in his life don’t really have one and don’t expect him to take responsibility for any of his actions, but there it is. Reason number one why Michael is better than his parents. This is also the reason why it will hurt so much when Michael goes the way of Sonny.

2) Mac telling  Michael that it is important to tell the truth is more parenting than Michael has received in his entire life.

3) The boy who plays Morgan has more acting chops than most of the actors who play his parental figures. The scene he had with Johnny made my eyes well up. Man, that kid is good. My tears of empathy quickly turned to tears of dread when I remembered that this is Sonny’s son and so he is destined to suck as well.

4) Brandon Barash with him. Gah. I instantly forgave Johnny for threatening to shoot Matt yesterday. Also, his emotion with his sister, despite how horribly manipulative she has been with him, was quite moving. Did I mention I kind of love him?

The Bad:

1) More pregnant women in danger….again. Carly being in the exact same situation she was a few months ago-she can’t be stressed and yet! Michael is again in trouble. Yawn.

2) Women who are risking their lives for their pregnancies. Now, I’m not passing judgment on this decision, but apparently you can only be a worth while woman on this show if you are willing to risk your life for your baby. People actually face these issues and it could be an interesting conflict if there was a remote chance that the women might make a choice one way or another. Not on this show.

The Ugly:

1) Alexis is again the punching bag. How did I not see the fact that she bought identical white cars as a set up for a car crash who done it? Claudia was run off the road by a light-colored car. See how they did that there? It is bad enough that Alexis is the victim in the mayor’s mistress murder case, but now we have to listen to her daughter accuse her of running Claudia off the road, when Kristina thinks she did it herself. Fail.

2) Yet another woman appearing to have a miscarriage. Way to surprise us, GH! No one could have ever seen that coming. Not with the pregnant women on the show always being in life threatening danger. Claudia has not been my favorite person lately, but making her lose her baby after she opts to have brain surgery to keep her baby safe is low even for this show. Not to mention having the baby mortally injured by a seat belt. Epic fail.

What’s the word for more than suck?

10 Things I Hate About This Show

I got a call from my mother last night, which isn’t that unusual in and of itself. What is unusual is that she was calling just to talk about General Hospital, which she claimed had gotten “kind of, sort of interesting” in the past few days.

Since I was three days behind, I could neither confirm nor deny this claim, but I settled in with a glass of wine to see for myself.

My thoughts are thus: Continue reading

Wait, is it possible that I actually enjoyed an episode?

I know some people have felt that the quality of recent episodes of GH has been on an upswing. I, myself, have felt more neutral. There have been moments of annoyance, a few kind of fun moments, but nothing to make me want to write. Wednesday’s episode was different.

First of all, Patrick and Robin trying to shake down the mayor was great. I especially enjoy Robin being shown as having more expertise in this area and– hey, that even makes sense with her character history! Go figure. As much as I love baby Emma, when they start talking about Robin’s role as a mother I get all worried there will be some other contrived drama. I liked having this scene outside of the family realm. I do think it is important to mention that the Patrick and Robin stuff has been what I have found the most enjoyable in the past week, but this scene has been my favorite.

And hello, Matt! Even though I think this hospital mystery has holes that you could drive a truck through, the drama since my first reaction has been enjoyable and it includes much more Matt than we usually get. Add in some Matt and Maxie interaction and I was very happy. I really love their chemistry. If only they didn’t have to throw in a gratuitous Twitter reference. People use Twitter, they don’t really talk about following each other on Twitter. And we know a few of the writers are actually on Twitter, so you’d think they would get that. Oh well, one cringe-worthy event in an episode really isn’t too bad.

I have to say that although there are moments in the stories with the SORASed kids that I have issue with, overall I enjoy the actors and the fact that we are getting FAMILY stories out of this. Yay! I am torn about Michael being interested in the mob because it means more mob stories. But, I’ve accepted that to be a fact of life here on GH so if they are going to do it, throwing Sonny and Jason’s choices in their faces seems like a good way to do it. And really, it applies to all the adults on this show. There is a huge “do what I say, not as I do” dynamic and I think that makes for good drama.

Which leads to the other reason why this episode was good – so much Alexis! Not only lots of Alexis, but Alexis with Kristina and Sam! I’ve been waiting for this and it was as good as I had hoped for. These actresses are all great. I also think that Alexis pushing Kristina hard to be successful makes sense in terms of her character so I accept that as the cause of the friction. I also enjoyed Alexis and Claudia’s argument. I really hate Claudia more and more each day, so to enjoy her part in a scene is a real feat. Her argument about Kristina’s behavior makes sense in terms of her character’s background. So both women had personal reasons for their statements and argued without calling one another a whore! Holy shit!

Continuing along the other threads of this story, I also have to admit that I still enjoy Steve Burton’s angst. Not many actors do the teary-eyed man pain quite as well. I like how Michael’s situation has made him face his own behavior after his accident. And at least he is now openly admitting that he is a hypocrite. I guess you could call that progress?

Jason talking about going to Sonny to be taught and not letting anyone tell him no was a great lead in to Michael going to Johnny. It was logical given they had met earlier that week. I also am growing more and more fond of Brandon Barash, so anything that includes him works for me.

Add to all this the fact that I am really enjoying the actor who is playing Dominic, and like many others am assuming he is Dante,  I am overwhelmed by my positive feelings about this episode. It just…it can’t last.

And I’m sure once the Nikolas/Emily revamp, the Spencer family drama or Sonny himself comes back on screen, my feelings will indeed change.