Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships. Continue reading


Paging Dr. Corinthos…

You might think — given the number of loved ones he’s seen shot right in front of him — that Sonny would be something of an expert at it by now. I mean, this isn’t even the first time he’s gone through it with this particular loved one! It ought to be old hat for him!

Connie needs a doctor


So many questions. Like… did she actually just apologize to him on her deathbed? Did that really just happen? And did he seriously just completely fail to do ANYTHING at all that would actually be useful in trying to save her life? The answer to both those questions, of course, is: duh. Have you never watched this show before? Continue reading

I’m in shock, I think. In more ways than one.

Holy crap! The stars have aligned! All those continuous sacrifices to the soap gods have finally paid off! Kimberly McCullough is coming back! For real this time — with a contract and everything! (I think the subject of the email my erstwhile co-blogger sent me speaks rather eloquently to both of our reactions: “EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

I’m sure there was no way to keep news like this under wraps, but I kind of wish they could have. Because that moment when she comes on screen again and it’s clear it’s not just a drive-by visit would have been amazing. On the other hand: ROBIN, ROBIN, OMG ROBIN! So, there’s that. (Is it wrong that I kind of can’t wait to see the look on Sabrina’s face? OH WELL.)

And really, we could all probably use some good news after sitting through this:

Liz is concerned

ELIZABETH: What did you just say?
AJ: Come on. Come on, you told me the whole reason this place is called the Floating Rib is because of you.
ELIZABETH: Don’t. Don’t say these things.
AJ: Yeah, yeah, Luke couldn’t stand to see the name of the kid he killed flashing in neon. Ex father-in-law had a few too many and mowed little Jake down.
ELIZABETH: Stop. Please stop.
AJ: We-we both know the truth, don’t we? You know what you tell me late at night? And none of this would have happened if you were watching your son.

OH. MY. GOD.  Continue reading

The agony and the ecstasy and the WTF.

Oh, Lordy. What a day. Okay, first things first, because this really cannot be emphasized enough: ELIZABETH WEBBER FINALLY GOT SOME, Y’ALL.

Even if it was still mostly off screen, it definitely happened, and involved both pre-game speeches about how awesome she is and post-game cuddling. I am a fan of both these things!

Liz and AJ in bed

AJ: You make me want to be a better man, Elizabeth. And it’s not because you insist on it, but it’s because I know that you deserve it.

Of course, because this is Elizabeth and AJ, everything promptly went straight to hell soon after. But still: you go, girl. (And according to Tracy, you go really loudly, so, you know… double high five.) Continue reading

Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant.

I’ve said it before, but one of the nicest things about Ron Carlivati’s tenure is the certainty that even if something really isn’t working for me, it’s only a matter of time before a better thing will appear. We may never know what the plan was before all the backstage drama with Prospect Park, but I think it’s safe to say the rushed rewrites has resulted in a mixed bag. At best. It’s just… it’s been a rough month or so.

But we may be seeing the start of a course correction? Vets are popping up all other the place again, there’s a couple mass umbrella stories a-brewin’, and SAM’S FREAKING DAD. Plus yesterday we got an episode showcasing one of my very favorite things in the soap world:

Scotty, Lucy and Tracy

LUCY: Okay, you wanna know a secret?
SCOTT: [suspicious] No.
LUCY: Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway! I wouldn’t mind if Kevin was sitting here, having a piece of pie with me. But the truth is, I would not change one single moment of this evening.
LUCY: No, because I loved the way you handled Tracy! Do you know you did more for me and for Deception than Kevin’s done yet at all.
SCOTT: Well, I’m glad I could be at your service.
LUCY: Thank you, Captain. Scott Baldwin, you are a very, very good friend. And! A negotiator extraordinaire.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, GUYS. Like, seriously. It must be literal magic. Because the amount of annoyance I feel for Scotty when he’s involved in pretty much any other story than being Lucy’s BFF is astronomical. But two seconds of he and Lucy working together to fleece Tracy? I’m all aboard the Scott Baldwin love train. (Also, please let that reference to their children mean we’re actually going to see Serena and/or Christina soon? PLEASE?) Continue reading

Where’s Felix when you need him?

Oh, Liz. Oh, girl. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. (Except for maybe your choice to wear that sweater, because damn, it looked good.)

Seriously, though, that was a short lived period of me not hating Nik’s guts and enjoying the Liz/Nik revisit, huh? This Nik — the entitled, condescending, pushy Nik? — is pretty much my least favorite parts of the character condensed into one super potent package of assiness.

Nik and Liz redux

ELIZABETH: My reaction had more to do with me than AJ. I feel bad about our affair. Nikolas, I still feel incredibly guilty.
NIKOLAS: Whatever feelings you have about our past, it doesn’t excuse AJ. He’s acting like a jealous idiot who’s trying to claim you like you’re his property!

Um, Nikolas? I’ve got this pot on the phone? He says he’d like to call your kettle black. Continue reading

This is the song that never ends…

Guys, I think it’s time to face a painful reality. We’re just… we’re never getting rid of this D.I.D story, are we?

It’s been over a year now, and I think I’m finally starting to come to terms. I was in some strong denial there for a while, but hearing Kate realize she’d been gone for five months kind of kicked my denial in the face. (Five months! That’s how long this stage of the story has been going on! And that wasn’t even the beginning! Not by a long shot!)

Now I’m stuck on bargaining. Because I thought the writers and I at least had an agreement wherein I would ignore all the plots that drive me to drink and they wouldn’t force me to sit through episodes that contained all three at once. Judging by this week thus far, though? Not so much.

Connie's back


On any given day, I can roll my eyes through Todd and Carly gassing on about how neither of them has ever loved before, even though both of them spent the better part of the last year obsessed with completely different people. I can sit through Sabrina’s juvenile antics, because hey, at least it gets Jason Thompson’s pretty face on my tv screen. I can even grit my teeth through Konnie and Kate fighting over how Sonny cheated on both of them by sleeping with THE SAME DAMN WOMAN, even though the logical inconsistencies in this story are now large enough to be seen from space.

But I can’t deal with all three at once. JE REFUSE, MONSIEUR CARLIVATI!  Continue reading

So close! And yet…

Okay, do I love the fact that apparently the only flack Frisco’s going to get from Maxie about walking out of her life when she was seven years old and not even coming home for her sister’s funeral was that one tepid line on Monday about missing Georgie’s whole life? NO. NO, I DO NOT.

(Especially when I know what she’s capable of.)

But come on. Who wasn’t cheering when Frisco laid the hammer down on Britt? Or when Maxie finally, finally came clean about her latest disastrous life choices:

Frisco and Maxie

MAXIE: Do you think I’m awful?
FRISCO: No, I don’t. I think you’re amazing. You’re my daughter and I love you and I believe you’ve been sacrificing your happiness for everyone else’s.

Yeah, okay. I teared up a little. I’m woman enough to admit it. Continue reading

My Little Quartermaine: Friendship is Magic

Is there any way I can say — without sounding like a total crazy person — that I am mildly enraged that it has now been three days since Maxie laid eyes on Frisco for the first time in nearly 20 years and we STILL haven’t gone back to that cliffhanger?

(Okay, fine, I’m a crazy person. I’ll accept that. But what the hell, show? Don’t you know that is the only story I care about?)

But lest I spend the weekend buried in both snow and indignation, can we take a moment to acknowledge the wonderfulness that is Connie and Tracy’s continuing friendship? Continue reading

In which Doc explains it all.

Guys, I know I say this a lot, but the noises that came out of my mouth when Kevin appeared on screen yesterday were not only supersonic, but so annoying that even I had to pause the DVR with an expression of disgust, like who is that asshole making those wretched sounds while I’m trying to watch my stories? And then I realized it was me. I was the asshole. THE HAPPIEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.

Kevin Collins returns

KEVIN! All dignity and wry humor and salt and pepper hair! OMG, I love him. I also love him explaining, that no, there are no vampires (or angels or demons or magic). And no, he doesn’t have a daughter named Livvie, and basically no, I don’t have to acknowledge any of the PC canon I never liked anyway.

And obviously there’s more to it than that, because Alison is wandering around flipping her gourd at the sight of John. Continue reading