Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

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It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

Another one bites the dust…

Hello, friends. It’s been a while, I know. My motivations for watching the show, much less writing about it, are pretty much at an all time low. But can we talk about Dante, and how he’s now terrible? Because wow, he is super terrible. His hair is terrible, his choices are terrible, the garbage that comes out of his mouth is terrible… I say this as someone who finds Lulu generally obnoxious, but TEAM LULU ONE THOUSAND PERCENT.

Dante is scum

DANTE: Watching that game with you, seeing you loose your mind over that interception… I mean, for the first time in forever, I lost myself for a bit there. I didn’t think about being sad or guilty. I was just enjoying what was right in front of me.

Oh, I’m sorry, did your wife have the gall to be mad at you for more than a day after you SLEPT WITH HER COUSIN? After lying to her face for months, did you have to spend a few weeks feeling sad about betraying her? Well, that’s just awful. What an injustice for you. So glad you could finally, after a few measly days, find a way to forget how guilty you deserve to be for trashing your marriage.

And now, five seconds after the ink dried on his separation papers, he’s not only sleeping with Valerie again, but openly dating her? Dude. It is one thing to make (another) bad decision while believing your marriage is over (again). It’s another to be so over it that you’re ready for a rebound relationship that same week.

But, hey! At least Nikolas and Elizabeth won’t be so lonely in the character assassination club anymore? Stripping Dante of his most perfect husband pedestal give me exactly one less reason to give a crap about this show, though, and there aren’t a lot of those left to begin with.

At least some plots are kind of moving?

It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?

Nina and Franco slaughter fest

Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.

Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot. Continue reading

And they say romance is dead!

Ah, the couple montage, that beloved soap staple. A chance to revisit the greatest hits of a relationship and make the case for why these two people are meant to be!

And then there’s… whatever this was:

Carly Sonny montage1

Carly Sonny montage2

CARLY: Sonny, we’re not some starry-eyed couple that’s going to walk away holding hands and a happily ever after. We destroy each other! We don’t work in a marriage. We have tried so many times and it doesn’t work.

I’m assuming the point of that was to make us feel sad for Carly? And it did, but only in the sense that I’m sad she’s still trapped in the same unhealthy, unhappy, borderline abusive relationship from those clips. Continue reading

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading

Invasion of the body snatchers.

Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?

Also, consider the following:

Dante and Valerie kiss

– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?

– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*

– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?** Continue reading

Was that… an episode I didn’t hate?

Listen, if you’d told me three years ago that I’d be this invested in either Britt or Brad, I probably wouldn’t have believed you, but BRITT AND BRAD, YOU GUYS!

Brad Britt reunion

Of the many things this show has been missing lately — of the top of my head: romance, character motivation, a day without the mob — happiness is at the top of the list. But Britt + Brad = instant joy, and I missed them so much and I’m so happy! Can she stay forever? Pretty please? Continue reading

Everything is stupid and I hate it.

You know when you know something is going to be bad, and then it happens, and it is so much worse? And all you can do is sit there and annoy your neighbors by making incoherent angry Pterodactyl noises at the screen? Watching Friday’s episode was kind of like that.

Morgan constipated face

MORGAN: Why don’t we all get real for a second and just admit that Michael’s not coming because he’s too busy nursing his little grudges to come say thank you to dad for saving everyone on that boat, including him.

Ah, yes. That Michael, so petty. Always nursing stupid grudges over silly little things like THE COLD BLOODED MURDER OF HIS FATHER.

But I can see why Morgan would have trouble empathizing. I mean, that time he spent several months so furious with Sonny that he actually conspired with a rival mob family to get him killed, it was a grudge over a really serious offense, like giving his brother a job. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading