I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?

So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.

I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them.

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Nurses’ Ball 2015: Day Two

On the second day of the Nurses’ Ball: Brad and Lucas got engaged and smiled at each other with such happiness on their adorable faces and it was actually quite moving? I legit teared up for a moment. I CAN ADMIT IT.

(Seriously, though: WHERE THE HELL IS BOBBIE? They couldn’t spring for one reaction shot while her son was getting engaged?)

Anyway, then Magic Milo happened, and Michael awkward tossed a briefcase filled with money on the stage and TJ made me uncomfortable with pelvic thrusting and also, there were butts. So many butts:

A tale of two incompetent hit men.

Nathan’s at the hospital, holding a flyer advertising the Nurses’ Ball. (Sponsored by Aveeno! Naturally Beautiful Results®) I would mock it more, but Aveeno products have been helping keep my Eczema at bay for years. (Aveeno! Harness the power of ACTIVE NATURALS® ingredients!)

Anyway, the ball is next Friday, aka tomorrow in show time. Which means we’ve got an entire week to kill over the course of one day. But it’s cool! I’m sure they have some really stimulating material to fill up the time! Speaking of which: Silas walks in and reminds Nathan that he used to be his brother-in-law. I, for one, am fascinated already.

Over at ELQ, Sonny swears he had nothing to do with drugging Michael. Which Michael knows, because he is not an idiot and has already jumped to the obvious and correct conclusion about the culprits. Right on cue: enter Morgan and Kiki!

Be still, my pining heart.

I’ve been totally bored with the show lately, so it just figures that something interesting would finally happen while I was away on vacation. But I’m back now, so consider this your belated, obligatory SQUEE post:

KISSING! SO MUCH KISSING!

You guys. YOU GUYS. How are they so pretty together? Is there a limit to how many feels one couple can give you? Is it possible for the high pitched dolphin sounds coming out of my mouth during these scenes to get any higher? (Answers: 1. Dark magic? 2. Apparently not. 3. Unfortunately for my neighbors, probably yes.)

WELL, IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME.

Hard to believe it’s been almost two and a half months since we last had any meaningful Julian and Alexis interaction. And by “interaction,” I mean SUPER HOT MAKE OUTS. And by “hard to believe,” I mean IT HAS FELT LIKE FOUR YEARS.

But no matter! Because today, the drought ended. Spectacularly:

JULIAN: I have been attracted to you from the moment I saw you at the Floating Rib when you were just this woman that looked vaguely familiar to me and I couldn’t put my finger on it. And now that I know who you are — to me, to Sam — you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t feel it.
ALEXIS: [facing the other direction] I’m gonna look over here. And I’m going say that you–you have an uncanny ability to rewrite history, because love at first sight at the roadhouse? Seriously? [turning back around] You lied to me for months.

CAN’T TALK. DEAD FROM FEELINGS.

I’m sorry, guys. If you were expecting some sort of intelligent commentary, you’ve come to the wrong place. I am officially lost in the land of ugly cries and flailing, because the Scorpio clan is almost completely reunited AND IT FEELS SO GOOD:

I mean, there’s still Mac to go, obviously, and I’m already stocking up on Gatorade so I’ll be able to survive that one. (Just try to picture John J. York’s face when he sees Robin alive. Go on. Picture it. Grab a tissue. I’ll wait.)

But in the meantime, we got Robin and Robert, and if her saying “Daddy?” in that wobbly voice or calling him her hero wasn’t enough to break you completely, then… we are very different people:

But that was nothing compared to the one-two punch of Anna and Robin laying eyes on each other for the first time in almost two years, interspersed with exactly the flashback I’d been hoping for. THANK YOU, CARLIVATI. I NEVER DOUBTED YOU.

Well, that was a delightful 36 minutes of my life.

It is a scientifically proven fact that even when this show — how do I say this delicately? — sucked gigantic donkey balls, wedding-related parties at Jake’s The Floating Rib are always awesome. Always.

Obviously, this was no exception. Poison! Karaoke! Baby momma drama! Drag! Everything I love in life, basically!

First of all, can we please talk about my new girlfriend, Liesl Obrecht? Because she is both the MVP of the last few episodes and OF MY HEART. Who else could rock that wig with such panache? Who else could pull off a monologue referring to her romantic rival as “the sow and her piglet”? Or dialog like this?

Oh, Duke Lavery. How are you so dreamy?

Is it the cheerful good humor with which you submit to playing dress up? The way your rouged cheeks crinkle when you pose for pictures? The seriousness of your tango even when dancing with a four year old?

DUKE: You know, she’s just like Robin when she was little. She’s so bright, she’s so open, and she’s so smart.
ANNA: Yeah, I think that a lot. There’s always a little bit of Robin’s soul alive, with Emma.

Maybe it’s just the way you always know exactly the right thing to say. (Yeah, that’s probably it.)

It’s a good thing Duke’s so awesome, too. Because otherwise I might be forced to write something more extensive here about the activities of Emma’s daddy while all this was going down. And really, I think my gag reflex already got enough of a work out watching those scenes the first time through.

Nurses’ Ball 2013: Day Two

On this, the second day of the 2013 Nurses’ Ball, we saw: secrets and skivvies revealed! Tangos danced! JESSIE’S GIRL!

Oh, and Richard Simmons came out of the closet. So there’s that.

Plus: Mac and Felicia got engaged! After she asked him, which was a nice touch, given their history. And then they were both so adorably giddy about it and they smiled and kissed and danced like enormous, flailing dorks to Jessie’s Girl and it all made me so very happy.

It’s cute they’re acting like it’s even a choice.

You might think Luke, of all people, would be able to muster some sympathy for a man who was separated from his wife by wrongful captivity at the hands of a psychopath who was obsessed with her. Or for anyone kept from their loved ones by Faison.

You might think that even if he couldn’t spare a single moment of that’s rough, buddy comeraderie, he’d at least be gracious enough to shake the guy’s hand and accept his thanks for helping to end his twenty years of unjust torture and captivity.

You might thing that, but you’d be wrong. Because Luke is the worst.

Now, I realize that this show — even under the new regime — has not always had the best track record with understanding when characters are being the worst. But for the most part lately, when they do want us to think someone is terrible, we know it. I mean, it might not always be wine spritzer obvious, but it hasn’t exactly been subtle, you know?