Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.
At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.
it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not
Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading
So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.
(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever? And I think my brain actually exploded?)
Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)
YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading
When Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante came on board, there were a lot of big promises about bringing romance back. Almost a year later, we’ve seen Hayden mourn the man who had her shot in the head, Lucas and Brad’s exciting off screen honeymoon, and Julian threatening to slit Alexis’ throat.
But that’s all about to change, because people were getting all hot and bothered this week! Sure, they were all couples no one cares about. And sure, all these people have the chemistry of dead fish being smacked together. But love in the afternoon, you guys! Sort of!
pretty bras in the afternoon?
How can such attractive people possibly be so boring? Oh, right… she has no personality and he has no plot and together they get about five minutes of airtime a month. Now, I remember.
I want to like Valerie. I really do. She’s part of a core family, she’s one of two non-white women on the show, and despite the whole Dante mess, she’s not an offensive character. But they do absolutely nothing with her family connections and everything else about her is just criminally bland when she’s even on screen at all.
On the other hand, Curtis is the most charismatic new male character since poor dead Carlos. And just like both Carlos and his oddly less attractive twin, Curtis is being wasted on a total lump of a leading lady. (Side note: I will give one hundred virtual dollars to anyone who can explain why so many men are inexplicably obsessed with Sabrina. PLEASE someone explain it to me.) Meanwhile, Rebecca Herbst is sitting right over there, spending all of her considerable chemistry on a serial killer while these good looking men languish in romantic black holes. Because the universe hates me. Continue reading
Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:
We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.
I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions! Continue reading
So Jax most likely purchased a black market kidney from a non-consenting child and then let Elizabeth, Jason, and Lucky believe it was Jake’s for years. That’s fine. I’m fine. EVERYTHING’S FINE.
To avoid having a rage aneurysm about that — or about the fact that Alexis is a pod person who seems more upset about her career problems than her beloved nephew’s death — let’s just all take some deep breaths and enjoy the brief reunion of one of my favorite soap friendships of all time:
JAX: I hope you know that you have a ton of people out there who love and support you, who you can lean on. So you shouldn’t be afraid to just do that.
JAX: Okay? I know it’s hard for you to see right now with all this craziness going on, but you’re more than a lawyer. You’re a mother, warrior, friend… so no matter what happens at that hearing next week, you’re still going to be all of those things. And so much more.
Sure, she nearly went to prison, her husband tried to murder her, and she’s lost all professional respect. But Alexis got a pep talk while drinking wine and gazing into Jax’s impossibly blue eyes. So really, is her life really all that bad?
(Yes, yes it is. Her life is a flaming turd bag and there is not enough wine in the world to fix it.)
Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.
But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)
hey there, dreamy mcdream face
Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading
It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!
They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.
Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading
Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?
Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:
ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.
I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading
Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.
We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.
The face I also often make while watching this show
Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading
Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.
Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers. Continue reading