… and here’s to 50 more.

You guys, I think I’m a little too verklempt for intelligent commentary on today’s episode. So we’re going to mark the occasion with a straight up recap:

We open on Epiphany talking on the phone to someone named Doris about someone named Frank while an extra carries a portrait of Steve Hardy out to display in the lobby.

Epiphany and Steve

Meanwhile, Patrick is about to give the new group of interns a tour, as the Chief of Staff is nowhere to be found. Of course, that’s because Monica is right where we left her — at home fighting with Tracy. Suddenly, they both see Alan appear.

(Note that by this point, I am already crying. It just goes downhill from here.) Continue reading

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In which I rant about ranting. Oh, the irony!

Y’all, I just don’t know how I feel about this Robert/Ethan story. Sorry, scratch that: I do know, and it’s mostly irritation mixed in with confusion. But I’m also experiencing this strange new sensation — I think it might be faith in the writers? (Or possibly heartburn. I don’t know.)

Here’s the thing: it’s not like I think the overall idea of Robert needing a new purpose and a child to protect is a completely crazy one. (And psst, Carlivati… MUCH will be forgiven if it turns out that Ethan really is Robert’s son after all.) In fact, his determination to protect a child he just found out was his is actually a nice call back to the story that brought Robin into his life. See him here, minutes after discovering the truth, vowing to keep her safe:

(Sidebar: How much guy-liner were they slathering on Tristan Rogers in the 80s? And how is Finola Hughes so much better looking twenty-seven years later? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.) Continue reading

I’m totally weirded out by how much I’m non-ironically enjoying this show right now.

Oh, my kittens… what a week it’s been! How are you all doing? Needing a virtual hug (or five)? In imminent danger of running out of tissues? Myself, I flew 6,000 miles and then marathoned four hours of this show while jet lagged, guzzling wine, and BAWLING MY FREAKING EYES OUT. (The preferred method for dealing with any death of a beloved fictional person, obviously.) And you know what? That was some damn fine soap.

(Take a moment and think about the last time you could say that about an ABC soap that wasn’t recently canceled. Yeah. It’s been a while.)

Okay, first up, let’s check in with denial-land — where the grass is green and the corpses are all burnt conveniently beyond recognition. If I needed any proof that Ghost!Robin is merely a figment of everyone’s grief-stricken imagination, I would look no further than this:

GHOST!ROBIN: Daddy, where were you? Where were you when I was burning up in the lab? You were my hero. You can save anyone. Why didn’t you save me?
ROBERT: I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.
GHOST!ROBIN: Well, it’s a little late for sorry.

Yeah… no. Real!Robin’s ghost would never be that cruel. ROBIN LIVES! Or… at least they’re leaving the door wide open for the possibility should Kimberly McCullough ever change her mind. I can live with it.

Of course, knowing that wasn’t really Robin didn’t really stop those scenes — along with the accompanying flashbacks of wee!Robin meeting her father for the first time — from RIPPING MY FREAKING HEART OUT. Oh my sweet Lord, I cannot handle Tristan Rogers’ and Finola Hughes’ awesomeness right now. (Anna Devane! Trying to stay strong for everyone else and barely keeping herself from falling apart! And Robert — completely broken by the sight of his little girl’s body! I–I can’t even with these two. For serious.) Continue reading

They giveth and then they taketh away. While kicking you in the face.

If nothing else, the last week or so has proved what an incredibly easy soap viewer I am. (Not that there was really any doubt, but still…) Because even after all the virtual ink I’ve spilled lately bitching about the sad state of the Spencers, all it took was a couple of much needed apologies to have me sniffling like a baby.

First up: Ethan!

ETHAN: I realize I’ve been more than a little judgmental where you and Lucky are concerned. Basically, I’ve been an ass. In total violation of my principles.
ELIZABETH: You have principles?
ETHAN: Yes, I do. Live and let live. So I have no right to comment or even criticize your relationship with Lucky. I am truly sorry.
ELIZABETH: Oh, well I accept your apology. However, most of what you said was valid.
ETHAN: Not the way I said it, though. Look, I wasn’t here for what you and Lucky went through, for most of it. And when I showed up late to the party I just started running my mouth, so…

Wow. Um.. has Ethan been reading the blog? Because that was pretty word for word what I wanted to hear from him. First, he offers to come play fun uncle with Cam, and then he sincerely apologizes for acting like the world’s foremost expert on all things LL2, and then–then! He admits that he hasn’t gotten to know Elizabeth very well and she might actually be more fun than he thought. (Can these two be besties now? I would really like to see more friendships on this show.)

I would also like for Ethan to be involved in anything other than Cassandra. Who is apparently an amnesiac ASSASSIN now, because sure, of course, why not? (What I want to know is: does she kill people by trapping and talking at them in pretentious, dead-eyed monologues until they off themselves out of desperation to escape the droning horror? Whatever, I can’t even deal with the stupidity of that right now. Expect more of a rant later. FREE HELENA!)

Now, if only Ethan could have a similar revelation about his lack of understanding, re: Luke and Laura, we’d be golden. Continue reading

This entire show is one long bad touch.

Before continuing to the rest of this post, which (spoiler!) will be rather cranky, I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge the one thing that hasn’t enraged or bored me about the last few days:

ELIZABETH: I can’t do this anymore. you need to know the truth.
PATRICK: What truth?
ELIZABETH: Patrick, Robin’s sick. Her HIV levels are unstable.

BOOM! I was all resigned to this dumb secret continuing to drag on as so many other dumb secrets have. But no! Elizabeth “My Poker Face Is Reserved For Paternity Lies Only” Webber just stepped right in like a champ and nipped this thing in the bud for me. Love you, girl.

It should probably go without saying that Jason Thompson was working Patrick’s denial, fear and hurt to the hilt. I could wish for a lot of ways this story should have been told differently, starting with Robin not being out of her goddamn mind, but for now I’m just grateful the cat is out of the bag and we can hopefully get on with the rest of the fall out from the possible death of one of this show’s longest running and most beloved legacy characters.

You know, as soon as the writers get done with focusing on much more important subjects, like Sonny’s childhood (hey, did you know that it wasn’t a happy one? I know! I was shocked too!), Carly’s cunning plan to prostitute herself to save Michael from his own douchiness (um, yeah… good luck with that), and the exciting vagaries of Ethan’s sex life. Continue reading

I want to punch everyone on this show in the face.

You guys! YOU GUYS! I was all set to post another depressing rant about the nearly universal AWFULNESS of every single character in Port Charles and what news should pop up on my screen?

Roger Howarth,  Kassie DePaiva, Kristen Alderson, and Michael Easton are coming on board! (That’s OLTL’s Todd Manning, Blair Cramer, Starr Manning, and Det. John McBain for those who have been living in a sad, OLTL-less hole for the last twenty year. I’m… sorry? You’ve been missing some good stuff, folks.)

The less awesome news is that they’re apparently going to be involved in a big story with Sonny. (Oh, of course they are.) But whatever! I’m just so happy (SO HAPPY) that these characters will live on past the end of this week (*sob*) and that their presence in Port Charles may just be the start of a badly needed Renaissance for GH.

The possibilities are endless — can McBain actually make the PCPD competent again? (Especially if he brings current lady love, Natalie, with him to give the PCPD their first ever forensics department?) Not to mention the deliciousness of seeing him team up with Robert Scorpio to clean up the town if the latter can be convinced to stick around after seeing Robin off.

Plus… Todd and Mayor Floyd in a newspaper war! Todd mixing it up with Jax and ELQ! Starr and Maxie and Lulu (or a returned and SORASed Kristina?) helping to repopulate the younger generation again! Blair vs. Carly! And if Natalie doesn’t make the jump with John, I would not at all be opposed to seeing him and Alexis butt heads… and other parts, if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

(Hot Sex for Alexis! is my new platform for 2012. Please join me in making America sexier for hot ladies over 50 again.) Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2011

Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…

General Hospital 2011

STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.

KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!

ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
ELIZABETH: What?
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do. Continue reading

Help us, Ron Carlivati. You’re our only hope!

So many things are happening in Port Charles right now. Not amazingly good, mind. Just amazing in the sense that several times while powering through the pain of seven consecutive episodes yesterday afternoon (on the first day of my vacation, no less. You’re welcome) I found myself saying out loud: “Did that really just happen?”

Like… did Abby really just get crushed to death in an off-screen crane accident? (Yes. Yes, she did.) (Amazing!) Possibly the only thing more random and hilarious would have been death by falling piano, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.

Farewell, Abby. We hardly knew ye, you former prostitute (turned stripper) (turned rape counselor) (turned paralegal) (turned road kill). Mostly because you were boring. But still. You probably deserved better than this crap.

Michael, of course, has wasted absolutely zero time making this all about him (he is, if nothing else, his father and mother’s son). Luckily, he’s got Sam’s initiation into the “I Was Raped By Franco, Ask Me How!” club to distract him from his dead girlfriend woes! You know, just in case the whole thing was getting a little too uplifting for you. Continue reading

They’re just trying to piss me off now, aren’t they?

Today, while Lucky literally fell asleep waiting for something to happen in his plot — I sympathize, Lucky! truly! — his father and brother were busy destroying more of his childhood for no other reason than (I can only assume) everyone who writes this show actively hates everyone still watching it:

LUKE: Ethan, I disrespected my marriage with Laura over and over again. It wasn’t a secret I kept from her. She knew about it. But she wouldn’t kick me out. Not completely.
ETHAN: Right. Guess that made running away easier?
LUKE: It made me feel like I was loved unconditionally.
ETHAN: That is a powerful gift. One that you abused over and over again.
LUKE: Because I didn’t want to feel like a fly trapped in amber. And if you’re lucky, maybe one day you’ll find the same thing.
ETHAN: That has to be one of the worst things you have ever said to me.

I don’t–I can’t even… What? Why? Didn’t we just have this conversation? Continue reading

In which YouTube presents my rebuttal…

Home sick today and lacking the energy to properly rant. But some things just shouldn’t be allowed to go unchallenged:

LULU: Yeah, but then she realized that trying raising a son on the run is not the best idea, so she convinced dad to settle down and–
ETHAN: Live small. Something Luke is fundamentally incapable of.
LULU: And then I came along and she was more determined than ever, and as much as she tried to make it feel like a home, dad always felt it was a cage.
ETHAN: Yeah, it’s kind of a no win situation, I think.
LULU: She was trying so hard to do something that was never going to happen. I think that’s what eventually broke her.

Um, revisionist bullshit says what? First of all, I wasn’t aware that the reason for Laura’s breakdown was now considered a mystery.

Look, Lulu: Lord knows I can’t blame you for trying to repress what really pushed your mother over the edge; that story was a clusterfuck of stupidity. But if I have to remember this crap, then so do you. So unless your issues with Dante include the retconned realization that you accidentally killed your step-father’s mistress years ago, leading you to kill him in a psychotic fugue state… I think you’re safe.

But no, you and Ethan are right! Poor old pathetic, weak, fragile, no-fun, wet-blanket Laura totally held Luke back and ruined his life by tying him down into a nightmare of fatherhood and suburban responsibility. And when she finally realized that it wouldn’t work, she lost her mind! I mean, Luke was calm and resigned when he finally chased her down to sign the divorce papers, while she desperately stalled for time, pretending not to have a pen and reminiscing about the horrible past he had hated so much…

Oh, wait. Continue reading