Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!


MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

Hit men: Now doing the job of doctors too.

So the PC crisis continues, but now with sunlight!

And we’ve had some great moments so far, but my favorite has to be Shawn desperately trying to save Alexis.

SHAWN: I got news for you, Jerry. Alexis doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.
JERRY: Oh, don’t worry, she’ll change her mind. Why do you think I went through all the trouble to save her life? Alexis is coming with me.
SHAWN: You know I can’t let that happen.

Awesome! I love how this story has gone — so what if despite being a feminist I also enjoy a good rescue fantasy? Sue me!

You know what else I love? Molly and TJ. I continue to want to draw pink and purple hearts around them: Continue reading

Port Charles Avengers assemble!

You know that thing that’s been missing from all the previous, Guza-led Port Charles crises?

No, not logic or realism or a hero who isn’t Jason. I mean, yes all those things. But also: a sense of humor! Aside from dearly departed Anthony and his hand puppets, everyone in PC crises always takes their immanent deaths way too seriously, you know?

Thankfully, now we have Todd:

TODD: All right, we’ve done the easy part. Now we go save Port Charles.

The soup! The joke about not paying taxes! Being impressed with Tracy’s ability to do long division in her head! Oh, I love him so…

Okay, so nerd time: if Port Charles’ elite superhero force is assembling to save the town, Todd — as quip master general — is obviously Tony Stark. And Sonny’s habit of getting angry and throwing barware can only make him the Hulk. Tracy is Black Widow — both literally and figuratively. And Carly, the arrogant, statuesque blond whose plans always make everything worse, is clearly Thor. Johnny… has nice arms? I guess? Look the analogy isn’t perfect, okay? Anyway, he’s Hawkeye, the kind of useless one who’s only around to betray all the others.

Also, for comic relief: Continue reading

What happens in Port Charles, stays in Port Charles. (Apparently.)

Well, kids, I’m off on a mini-vacation with limited tv/internet access for the next few days. Good thing nothing exciting is happening on the show right now!

Actually, judging by the level of concern some residents have been exhibiting, being poisoned in no big thang. Not naming any names, Sonny. (No, seriously, why is Lulu the only one who seems upset about this whole ‘we’re all going to die in 48 hours’ thing? SHOW SOME REAL PANIC, PC RESIDENTS!)

Thankfully, even on a day filled with far too much badly enunciated mob posturing, Ewen was around to keep things interesting with his trademark cool, calm, and collected handling of the whole situation, as plainly demonstrated by his totally non-demonic crazy-eyed gaze above.

Of course he had to hit Patrick over the head with a baseball bat and kidnap Elizabeth! Don’t you see — tying her up is the only way to make her understand how totally sane he is right now: Continue reading


All day long, I’ve been keeping to the non-soap portions of the internet, because word on the street was we’d be getting a big surprise and I hate being spoiled. SO GLAD I DID THAT.

Because this moment? Was super awesome and I think my neighbors are probably worried I was having a seizure because of the shriek I let out:

DUKE LAVERY, YOU GUYS! His tenure on the show was a little before my time, but it doesn’t even matter, because of course I know who he is, and what he means to Anna and Robin both, and I am so happy for all the Anna/Duke fans out there who have been waiting for this for 20+ years. This! Moments like this are what I love most about this genre — the ability to tell stories that span decades and drawn people from different eras in.

Continue reading

Just sayin’…

You know what’s tiresome? Yet another child in peril.

Thankfully, as my co-blogger suspected, Josslyn wasn’t really in danger. Psyche! And also, we got to see the new actress make this face for a few episodes:

So cute! It’s like she’s thinking: “I really am sick. I really am sick. I really am sick…” Hee.

Know what else is tiresome? Having to listen to Johnny lament killing Starr’s kid and boyfriend for the millionth time while he continues to hide the truth from everyone he says he cares about. Also, dudes going to the chapel to talk to God whenever it seems like karma might bite them in the ass. (I’m looking at you, Sonny.) Continue reading

What can I say? When he’s right, he’s right.

Brace yourselves. I’m about to give Jason Morgan a virtual HIGH FIVE, BROTHER and that is not a thing that has happened a lot lately:

ELIZABETH: Ewen pulled me out of the water the night Lisa Niles was killed. And he didn’t tell me about it until months later.
JASON: Wait–wait. You almost drowned, and he left you there on the beach?
ELIZABETH: He got me breathing and said I was going to be okay–
JASON: If you found somebody in the water, wouldn’t you call for help or take somebody inside or at least put a blanket on them?
ELIZABETH: He had a patient. He said… he had a patient.
JASON: Oh, okay, what about an anonymous 911 call?
ELIZABETH: Okay, I know, I know. But this doesn’t matter because Spinelli showed up, he took me to the hospital and everything was fine.
JASON: No, it does matter. Why keep it a secret? Unless Dr. Keenan didn’t want you to know he was out at Wyndemere.
ELIZABETH: He told me his mother said it was bad manners to take credit for a good deed.
JASON: [epic WTF face]

I mean, right? WE ARE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH HERE. I love snarky Jason! He would totally have fit in as a guest writer on the blog a few months ago.

But wait, there’s more! Continue reading

How is everything so sad so wonderful?

Because I am a normal person and not a soap opera character, I actually have a job that I can’t ignore for days at a time to concentrate on more engaging pursuits like poisoning my enemies with LSD. Or… writing long meditations on the prettiness of Jason Thompson’s tear-filled eyes. Just as a hypothetical.


So I sadly haven’t been able to devote my full attention to blogging this past week. But, oh my stars and garters, you guys, this show. THIS SHOW! What is even happening right now? How is it all so good? First of all, in the words of my co-blogger: ROOOOOBIIIIIIIIIN!!! But also: Eweeeeeeen! Is totes evil! I don’t want to say I told you so (WHO AM I KIDDING, I LOVE SAYING THAT) but I’ve been waiting for the reveal that he is somehow up to no good ever since his super sketchy debut. Vindication!

Of course, there’s clearly something more to it. Is he Faison’s secret son? Brainwashed and under duress? Part of a Cassadine plot? Connected to some other villain from Anna and Robert’s past? SO MANY EXCITING POSSIBILITIES! Especially since… Continue reading


You guys, I can’t express how happy seeing Robin on my screen again makes me. And she’s actually an actual real person and not just a figment of Patrick’s imagination!

If you’ve read any of my posts in the past, you know that I kind of have an unhealthy extreme attachment to Robin. I was devastated when she was leaving and it looked like they might kill her off. And I’m so glad she’s still alive instead… but I hadn’t expected that we would see her alive again until GH was cancelled and Kimberly McCullough came back to give Robin an end to her story. (I know, I know, I’m an optimist!)

It’s so exciting that they didn’t do that. (Did I really just say exciting? About GH? I can’t help myself!) This story has great potential. Already, it’s more interesting than anything else Patrick and Robin have been given in the last few years.

*cough* Lisa *cough*

I know, I know. I should know better by now to not get so worked up. But the new upward trajectory of the show makes me think that we might actually get to see Anna kick ass and find Robin! And maybe there might be an actual mystery as to who did this and the answer might be complicated instead of “psychopath obsessed with Jason”!

(Speaking of Jason, maybe I’m just giddy because I can’t remember the last time I had to see his face on my screen? Life is full of wonders!)

Or maybe my optimism has to do with this one little thing I forgot to mention: EWEN HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ROBIN’S FAKE DEATH! HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!

Yes, I am seriously excited.

P.S. Yes, I know KMc is likely only on for a limited time. Don’t harsh my buzz, people!


What a day! Okay, first — FIRST — we got the Brenda mention whose absence had been kind of nagging at me. (Thanks, writers!)

Then, Ewen, in possibly the least surprising reveal of all time, finally confessed to being Dr. Abs! And, sorry, but I’m still going to call bullshit on him for not only abandoning a hypothermic woman in the hopes that some approaching stranger would find and know how to help her, but also conveniently forgetting to mention any of that while pretending to be a fellow patient  at a mental institution in order to creepily spy on her. I’ll let Liz’s face here speak for me:

Yeah, girl. I feel you with that “oh, I just thought it would be awkward to bring it up afterward” excuse. WEAK SAUCE, Dr. Abs. However! I am willing to hand wave some of that sketchiness because it was the previous regime’s baggage, and it seems unlikely that he’ll actually turn out to be a serial killer now. Bygones!

(There were also some mob shenanigans in which: Anthony chewed scenery, Dante was an annoying Sonny-apologist, McBain did his best his Batman impression, Jason glowered, Johnny’s moral compass worried me greatly, and Sonny was an obnoxious ass, who never knows when to shut up. So… business as usual.)

But we’re not talking about that today! Because today, Patrick got a special delivery of SADNESS, and he had to explain it to Emma, and it was the most heart-breaking thing since the last most heart-breaking thing we watched on this show. Only not really, because… Continue reading