The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point.

Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

Jagger and Steve Hardy

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Whatever, Hardy. Continue reading


Nurses’ Ball 2014: Wrap up

On the last few days of the Nurses’ Ball: Blackie Parrish was a total lie, Epiphany’s interest in Milo’s junk started to get creepy, I had a lot of feelings about the Westbourne siblings, and Doc broke all of our hearts.

Westbourne sibs1


The two big themes of the end of the ball seemed to be: 1) pushy dudes, and 2) friendship. Which is kind of a weird combo, when you think about it, but okay. Seriously, though — between Ric, Scotty, Brad, FauxLuke and freaking Spencer, is there a single guy of any age on this show capable of taking no for an answer?

(I keep hoping Nikolas will explain to his son that Emma is not a prize and he’s not entitled to her forgiveness or love just because he wants it. But then I remember Nikolas himself would have to be aware of these concepts in the first place, so… basically this will never happen.) Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2014: Day One

Folks, it’s Nurses’ Ball time again. And you know what that means: I straight up love this stuff, so for three days, I’m going to resist the urge to roll my eyes at the kiddie love triangle, mutter under my breath about the waste that was AJ being killed off, or curse Franco’s name.

I refuse to let little details like my active lack of interest in the show lately stop me from enjoying all the ball gowns and contact embarrassment with every bone in my body, damn it.

Nurses Ball 2014

liesl nurses ball

First things first: LIESL OBRECHT IS THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING. Obviously. You know why? Because she is a woman who enjoys life. Sure, she may be a mad scientist, and the criminal mastermind she loves may probably be dead, and both of her children and all of her employees may want nothing to do with her. But she has fun, damn it. My darling Liesl doesn’t let pesky things like reality get in her way. And I appreciate that.

(I also appreciate the things that outfit was doing for Kathleen Gati’s…. everything. But that is another matter entirely.) Continue reading

Third time’s the charm, right?

Let’s be honest: Kristina Wagner has never been the strongest actress. She’s had a few really great moments, and skated by the rest of the time on a likable presence and good chemistry. Which is all you really need sometimes on a soap, so I’m not knocking it. Better actors by far have floundered without that magic soap touch.

Since she’s been back, it’s taken her a little while to get into the groove again — with one notable exception. But damn if she didn’t kind of rip my heart out here:

Felicia and Maxie

MAXIE: We’re in a good place now.
FELICIA: We’re in a great place. Because of you. You let me back into your life and you didn’t have to, Maxie.
MAXIE: You’re my mom.
FELICIA: I haven’t always acted like one. Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won’t waste it. My little girl. All grown up. So compassionate, so strong. You’re going to be an exceptional mother someday, do you know that?
MAXIE: I love you, mom.

(Thanks, ladies. I didn’t really want to get through the rest of my day without crying anyway.) Continue reading

Well, that was a delightful 36 minutes of my life.

It is a scientifically proven fact that even when this show — how do I say this delicately? — sucked gigantic donkey balls, wedding-related parties at Jake’s The Floating Rib are always awesome. Always.

Maxie and her folks

Lante karaoke

Obviously, this was no exception. Poison! Karaoke! Baby momma drama! Drag! Everything I love in life, basically!

First of all, can we please talk about my new girlfriend, Liesl Obrecht? Because she is both the MVP of the last few episodes and OF MY HEART. Who else could rock that wig with such panache? Who else could pull off a monologue referring to her romantic rival as “the sow and her piglet”? Or dialog like this? Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2013: Day Two

On this, the second day of the 2013 Nurses’ Ball, we saw: secrets and skivvies revealed! Tangos danced! JESSIE’S GIRL!

Oh, and Richard Simmons came out of the closet. So there’s that.

Mac and Felicia are engaged

Plus: Mac and Felicia got engaged! After she asked him, which was a nice touch, given their history. And then they were both so adorably giddy about it and they smiled and kissed and danced like enormous, flailing dorks to Jessie’s Girl and it all made me so very happy. Continue reading

1994 called. It wants its cast line up back.

Oh, my goodness gracious, that was a nostalgia-packed episode! Anna and Duke! Anna and Frisco! Frisco and Felicia! Kevin and Mac! Kevin and Lucy! NORMA AND EVE! Plus, Spencers and Baldwins and ELQ intrigue and flashbacks all over the place. I’m just… I’m in a happy place right now, guys.

By the way, this is how you can tell Ron Carlivati is as big a GH nerd as the rest of us:

RC tweetI KNOW, RON. HIGH FIVE, BOYFRIEND. But it is real and we did get all that goodness, including the conversation I think most of us have really been waiting for since Frisco first appeared:

Frisco and Felicia talk

FELICIA: I didn’t think you’d remember Georgie’s birthday.
FRISCO: Well, I guess I deserved that. I certainly wasn’t a great father. In fact, I wasn’t much of a father at all. But I do remember my daughters’ birthdays. I love my girls.
FELICIA: I know you do.
FRISCO: I never should have left.
FELICIA: Port Charles couldn’t hold you. You were meant to be out in the world taking risks and saving lives.
FRISCO: Felicia, I should have been here with my family. I’d have come back sooner but I was just afraid to face you and Maxie. And I was afraid to face the truth.
FELICIA: What truth?
FRISCO: [voice cracking] That if I’d have been here, like a good father, Georgie would still be alive.
FELICIA: [in tears] You can’t know that.
FRISCO: No, and I can’t make the time up I missed with her.

::slow clap:: Well, that was all pretty gutting! But in a good way. Catharsis! I think Kristina Wagner pretty accurately captured the nature of my feels in her facial expression there. And when she broke down at the end over the necklace? OH MY HEART. Continue reading

All the prodigal parents come on home!

Laura Spencer is in the house! And she’s got a fabulous new hairdo, a really cute coat, and a mysterious plan! She’s also got an update on Lucky, which… well, I’ll just let her tell it:

Laura returns

LAURA: No, I saw [Lucky] last year, in Ireland. Found him sitting in a church yard, of all places.

AHAHAHAHA. I think I’m just going to go ahead and consider that a not so subtle burn on the previous regime’s, um, creative writing choices for Lucky.

Anyway: LAURA! If there was any doubt this visit will be going differently from the previous ones, in the space of one episode we got: 1) Luke actually admitting the he’s never felt anything for anyone else like he did for her, 2) other characters paying homage to her actual heroic history rather than her bullshit retconned “fragility,” and 3) most importantly of all… strong hints that this is a Laura with an agenda of some kind. Continue reading

Reunited, and it feels so–wait WHAT?


Actually, I have a confession to make: beloved as I know he is, the truth is, I’ve never really had much use for Frisco. Not his fault. I just missed his heyday, so other than YouTube clips, I know him mostly as a deadbeat who only occasionally shows up to (hotly) father more children to abandon.

Frisco returns

Which isn’t to say I’m not THRILLED to see Jack Wagner’s face on my screen, because hello, drama bomb! And also, it’s just fun seeing the parade of vets continue. (Speaking of which… HOLY CRAP, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.) (Just visiting a friend, my ass.)

But it does mean that I spent a lot of time giving Frisco the finger and Mac imaginary fist bumps during exchanges like this: Continue reading


So, I was just sitting at my desk, still euphoric over the Genie Francis news but also quietly having kittens about how absolutely terrible this all sounds (although I would not put it past Ron Carlivati to be just messing with everyone at this point, so let’s not freak out too much just yet).

And then–AND THEN!–I found out we’re getting Kevin Collins back. KEVIN EFFING COLLINS, Y’ALL. And seriously? It was like a Disney movie with tiny cartoon birds chirping above my head and sun shining down on my little cubicle and puppies frolicking in rainbows and ALL IS FORGIVEN FOREVER, SHOW.


Because Doc! DOC!!! He can fix everything! He can make me put up with vampires and weirdly unnecessary callbacks to a show most current viewers never even watched (and I don’t mean OLTL). He can spar with Lucy, and hang out with Mac and Felicia, and be all sensible and and awesome and the first actually competent shrink this town has had since… well, since he left, actually.

He can make Konnie go away.

My wishlist of dream returns is getting pretty small. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL COMING TRUE. Clearly there is only one way to deal with feels this complex. And that is cross-dressing: Continue reading