Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day Three

The TiVo summary for this episode is: “Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps.” Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.

Anyway, full recap tonight! Jason’s confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Anna’s sister. Jason thinks this can’t be a coincidence!

Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I don’t make nursing schedules. Continue reading

Julian Jerome is a saint and other alternative facts.

Ah, Daytime television. Entertainment for women! And apparently women really love gaslighting, because there isn’t a single plot right now that doesn’t involve rewriting the things we all actually saw on screen.

Like, hey, did you know Nina is now a more stable parental figure than Lulu in the eyes of the law? And definitely not a former mental patient who literally ripped a baby out of another woman’s womb and has been banned by every adoption agency on the planet!

helena was scared of this guy. really.

Anna’s got a mysterious retconned past with Valentin! Who, himself, has been retconned from a ruthless murderer and Most Dangerous Cassadine of All into a former street urchin/deformed virgin who stutters and weeps at the drop of a hat.

Brad has completely reverted to his money-grubbing, ethically challenged douchebag ways, as if none of the character growth of his friendship with Britt and marriage to Lucas ever happened! Speaking of Lucas, I’m not sure he even exists anymore, since they haven’t bothered to show him react to the news his father is alive.

Meanwhile, these words came out of Sonny’s mouth with ZERO sense of irony: Continue reading

Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Corinthos down!

Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.

Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.

kiki-still-cant-cry

not pictured: believable crying

Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.

Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading

Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

sabrinas-corpse

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Three

Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.

At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.

Robin's speech

Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun! Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

There’s no joy in Mudville, kids.

Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?

Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:

Julian gaslights Alexis

ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.

I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading

My kingdom for logical character motivations!

I keep trying to care about this show right now, guys. I really do. I’m so sick of hating it. But even when something I’ve been waiting for finally happens, the lack of emotional continuity just gives me whiplash.

Last week: Jason had a heartwarming moment with Tracy and reconfirmed his determination of get ELQ back for the Quartermaines. This week: he and Sam casually betray Tracy by telling Nikolas she’s been working with Hayden all along. No conflict there! Then, later that same day:

Sam confronts Nikolas

SAM: You were so desperate to keep the truth about my husband from me that you hired someone to kill Hayden and when they botched the job, you did what, you married her?
NIKOLAS: Hayden is no victim–
SAM: She’s YOUR victim!

I mean, yay? Sam actually got to yell at Nikolas after months of BAFFLING cordiality. It’s just a little hard to get invested in her sudden moral outrage when a few hours go, she cared so little about his attempts to keep her child from ever knowing his father that she was sincerely offering Nikolas condolences over his failed marriage to a con woman they both despise. Continue reading