Julian Jerome is a saint and other alternative facts.

Ah, Daytime television. Entertainment for women! And apparently women really love gaslighting, because there isn’t a single plot right now that doesn’t involve rewriting the things we all actually saw on screen.

Like, hey, did you know Nina is now a more stable parental figure than Lulu in the eyes of the law? And definitely not a former mental patient who literally ripped a baby out of another woman’s womb and has been banned by every adoption agency on the planet!

helena was scared of this guy. really.

Anna’s got a mysterious retconned past with Valentin! Who, himself, has been retconned from a ruthless murderer and Most Dangerous Cassadine of All into a former street urchin/deformed virgin who stutters and weeps at the drop of a hat.

Brad has completely reverted to his money-grubbing, ethically challenged douchebag ways, as if none of the character growth of his friendship with Britt and marriage to Lucas ever happened! Speaking of Lucas, I’m not sure he even exists anymore, since they haven’t bothered to show him react to the news his father is alive.

Meanwhile, these words came out of Sonny’s mouth with ZERO sense of irony: Continue reading

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Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Scenes from an alternate universe.

So Jax most likely purchased a black market kidney from a non-consenting child and then let Elizabeth, Jason, and Lucky believe it was Jake’s for years. That’s fine. I’m fine. EVERYTHING’S FINE.

To avoid having a rage aneurysm about that — or about the fact that Alexis is a pod person who seems more upset about her career problems than her beloved nephew’s death — let’s just all take some deep breaths and enjoy the brief reunion of one of my favorite soap friendships of all time:

Alexis Jax hug

JAX: I hope you know that you have a ton of people out there who love and support you, who you can lean on. So you shouldn’t be afraid to just do that.
ALEXIS: Okay.
JAX: Okay? I know it’s hard for you to see right now with all this craziness going on, but you’re more than a lawyer. You’re a mother, warrior, friend… so no matter what happens at that hearing next week, you’re still going to be all of those things. And so much more.

Sure, she nearly went to prison, her husband tried to murder her, and she’s lost all professional respect. But Alexis got a pep talk while drinking wine and gazing into Jax’s impossibly blue eyes. So really, is her life really all that bad?

(Yes, yes it is. Her life is a flaming turd bag and there is not enough wine in the world to fix it.)

Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

… and here’s to 50 more.

You guys, I think I’m a little too verklempt for intelligent commentary on today’s episode. So we’re going to mark the occasion with a straight up recap:

We open on Epiphany talking on the phone to someone named Doris about someone named Frank while an extra carries a portrait of Steve Hardy out to display in the lobby.

Epiphany and Steve

Meanwhile, Patrick is about to give the new group of interns a tour, as the Chief of Staff is nowhere to be found. Of course, that’s because Monica is right where we left her — at home fighting with Tracy. Suddenly, they both see Alan appear.

(Note that by this point, I am already crying. It just goes downhill from here.) Continue reading

The Best of S&B: Oh, Canada!

Happy Sunday, everyone! We’re celebrating the 50th with another retro recap!

This time, the year is 1996: we’re a month out from Clink/Boom, and the Lily/Sonny/Brenda/Jax quad is fast reaching its breaking point. So, naturally, everyone decides to take a vacation up to the frozen north, where cuddling and desperate confessions will ensue:

Sonny and Brenda in Canada

S&B cuddle

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Since we last saw S&B in Puerto Rico, there’s been some trouble in paradise: Continue reading

1994 called. It wants its cast line up back.

Oh, my goodness gracious, that was a nostalgia-packed episode! Anna and Duke! Anna and Frisco! Frisco and Felicia! Kevin and Mac! Kevin and Lucy! NORMA AND EVE! Plus, Spencers and Baldwins and ELQ intrigue and flashbacks all over the place. I’m just… I’m in a happy place right now, guys.

By the way, this is how you can tell Ron Carlivati is as big a GH nerd as the rest of us:

RC tweetI KNOW, RON. HIGH FIVE, BOYFRIEND. But it is real and we did get all that goodness, including the conversation I think most of us have really been waiting for since Frisco first appeared:

Frisco and Felicia talk

FELICIA: I didn’t think you’d remember Georgie’s birthday.
FRISCO: Well, I guess I deserved that. I certainly wasn’t a great father. In fact, I wasn’t much of a father at all. But I do remember my daughters’ birthdays. I love my girls.
FELICIA: I know you do.
FRISCO: I never should have left.
FELICIA: Port Charles couldn’t hold you. You were meant to be out in the world taking risks and saving lives.
FRISCO: Felicia, I should have been here with my family. I’d have come back sooner but I was just afraid to face you and Maxie. And I was afraid to face the truth.
FELICIA: What truth?
FRISCO: [voice cracking] That if I’d have been here, like a good father, Georgie would still be alive.
FELICIA: [in tears] You can’t know that.
FRISCO: No, and I can’t make the time up I missed with her.

::slow clap:: Well, that was all pretty gutting! But in a good way. Catharsis! I think Kristina Wagner pretty accurately captured the nature of my feels in her facial expression there. And when she broke down at the end over the necklace? OH MY HEART. Continue reading

Any distraction will do…

Okay, show. You got me. This good cop/bad cop routine with Britt and Sabrina? Totally working. I don’t care that it’s transparent and clichéd. I can work with both of those if something is fun for me. And I could use some fun right now.

So, my main complaint about Sabrina’s introduction was that her goofy crush antics make her seem way younger than she is. But it turns out that when she acts more like a grown up and starts relating to Patrick like he’s an actual human being instead of a god on high? I don’t hate it:

PATRICK: I should have prepared her better, you know — she just gets scared. And when she gets scared, she gets angry.
SABRINA: Oh God, I don’t blame her. She just misses her mom.
PATRICK: So do I.
SABRINA: Listen, I think you’re a great dad. And there’s a reason why she called for you. She loves you. And as long as you just explain things to her, I’m sure she’ll understand.

I like that she’s a very different person that Robin in many ways. But more, I like that Patrick is a very different person than he was when he and Robin met. He’s off his game, and it’s refreshing. Smooth playboy Patrick would never have been oblivious to Sabrina’s interest (and would have bedded Britt already instead of awkwardly trying to be her friend). This is a Patrick who’s starting from a completely different place. He’s subdued and grieving still, focused on Emma, and conquests are really the furthest thing from his mind. I like romantic banter as much as the next girl, but arrogant pursuer Patrick was never really my favorite flavor, so I’m curious to see how that changes the dynamic as the story unfolds.

Side note: the little girl who plays Emma is KILLING ME with her cuteness this week. I didn’t think she had a setting other than smiling uncontrollably, but then she busts out this look: Continue reading

All Alexis’ Men is a show I would like to watch.

I’m back! And damn — Alexis had a good week while I was gone. I mean, sure, she nearly died. And now two of her kids have been poisoned. And the whole town is going off the rails and her ex-boyfriend is to blame. Fine. Whatever.

But she got hot kissage from Shawn! And then she was reunited with her one true BFF!

(Jax! Alexis! I have so many feels about seeing you together! Why are you still so perfect? It’s not too late to run off and get married again and live happily ever after! JUST SO YOU KNOW.)

But the really big thing was she got to confront Jerry and beg for her everyone’s lives, and despite all the reasons why I shouldn’t want Jerry anywhere near her, both Nancy Lee Grahn and Sebastian Roche pretty much made my screen melt with the chemistry: Continue reading

Oh, Jax!

Jax was never my favorite, but I was pretty damn fond of him and I was pretty damn pissed about the way they wrote him out. So I may have squealed a bit when I saw Ingo Rademacher on Thursday.

We’ve lost so many characters that give me warm fuzzies! It’s nice to have one of them back, even if it may only be for a little while. And he was so sweet with his daughter! Also, Ingo Rademacher and Laura Wright continue to have good chemistry together. I find their dynamic refreshing, instead of uncomfortable and gross, like Carly and Johnny. (Did I mention I hate Carly and Johnny?)

I also may have been maniacally rubbing my hands together at the thought of Jax’s head exploding when he finds out that he left his daughter for her safety and she’s been spending her nights with Johnny Zacharra. And although Jax didn’t have the epic meltdown I was hoping he would have, his WTF face was still well worth it: Continue reading