Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships. Continue reading

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Well, be still, my soapy little heart.

I’m pretty sure this week’s been a textbook example of everything people who hate the genre probably imagine when they think of soaps. Which means of course it was pretty much completely amazing for me.

I mean, 1) angsty couples with pained looks on their faces speaking overwrought dialog in husky voices? Check.

Todd and Carly good bye

Okay, so these two still aren’t my favorite.
But isn’t her hair AMAZING?

2) Blasé recital of clunky exposition involving an evil doppleganger, vampires, hypnotism, and relish espionage? Check:

STARR: Out of all the people you could possible give credit to for reviving Pickle Lila, you choose Lucy Coe?
MICHAEL: Well, if she hadn’t flipped out about the whole vampire–
STARR: Okay, don’t even start!
MICHAEL: –vampire obsessed maniac, John McBain look-alike, then her shrink husband, Dr. Kevin Collins, would never have come back to Port Charles, hypnotized Ellie, and got her to remember the missing ingredient.

The fact that this conversation could even exist is so beautiful to me, I can’t even. Oh, Starr. Oh, Michael. I really will miss your pleasantly boring stability when its gone. Continue reading

Just somebody that I used to know…

Of all the many returns we’re getting for the 50th, I’m surprised to see no publicity for perhaps the most surprising of all: Sonny Corinthos!

I know! I never thought we’d see him again either. But this week, the real Sonny Corinthos — compassionate, perceptive, mature — finally came back from wherever he’s been hiding for the last decade:

Sonny and Connie

CONNIE: What if I just disappear?
SONNY: No. You will be a whole person.
CONNIE: Oh, Sonny. I’m scared! I can’t–I can’t. I can’t do it.
SONNY: Listen to me–hold my hand, hold my hand. I told Kate that I would never abandon her. Okay? And I would never abandon you too. I’m right here with you. No matter what.

Weird, right? Look, I don’t know who that childish, self-absorbed, belligerent bully that we’ve been watching up until now actually was. But he clearly wasn’t Sonny Corinthos.

Remember this Sonny? Who was smart and cared about other people and actually seemed to like the woman he claimed to love? Continue reading

The wheels of justice just got surprisingly efficient.

If I say that the legal fallout from the Caleb saga was handled more realistically than usual for this show, I trust you’ll all understand that that doesn’t mean it wasn’t still utterly, implausibly REDONK. But in a fun way for once!

Sam and John eye roll

JOHN KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

And, hey! They paid lip service to the idea that there are usually consequences when you break out of jail, even if you’re innocent of the crimes for which you were originally arrested! (Or in Lucy’s case… still completely guilty of stabbing a cop. Bygones!) That’s progress, right?  Continue reading

Well, damn.

You know, I was in a really good mood after watching today’s show, which (despite the presence of Sonny and Kate) was pretty darn delightful. And then I caught the news that Julie Marie Berman is leaving the show and actually taped her last scenes today.

Lulu and Dante's wedding

I wish her well and all, but man. Losing her in the middle of the surrogacy story and Laura’s return is kind of a huge blow, to put it mildly. Not to mention how sad I’ll be if the recast doesn’t work as well with Dominic Zamprogna, with whom, let’s face it, JMB is kind of magic.

… and now I’m just bumming myself out, so hey, let’s talk about happier things! Like John McBain! And the fact that if he wasn’t already my soap boyfriend for his superior hugging skills and ability to perform basic Google searches, I would definitely have fallen in love him for his new habit of eye-rolling and mouthing along whenever Lucy starts lecturing on vampire lore.

Not to mention the slow look of pure, put upon exasperation he leveled at her yesterday when she announced their arrival at the top of her lungs: Continue reading

Relief!

Okay, so maybe some of us didn’t have Tenillypo‘s faith that the current regime wasn’t going to be all “Psyche! Vampires are real, bitches!” So it was really nice that on Friday they pulled all the threads together to tell us that no, Caleb was not a vampire, but he thinks he is and is clearly off his rocker.

But isn’t it hilarious that this information was available on THE INTERNET. PCPD, still lame without John McBain. Heh. At least they needed Caleb’s alias (although it follows that his name itself would have worked) instead of just Googling “Vampires” to get the information they needed. That only happens in high class literature.

John, Lucy and Rafe

I think this reference to him using hypnosis might be their “normal” way of explaining Lucy believing he is a vampire. It also fits in with Allison being scared of Caleb. She didn’t say exactly why, but if she thought he was a murderous psychopath, that could make her want to keep Rafe from him.

One thing though — what is with the damned arrow? If it’s some artifact Caleb would want for his delusion, you’d think she would have ditched that thing long ago. Tenillypo thinks that she might have kept it to scare Caleb away since it was a weapon that was supposed to be harmful to him on PC (as far as we know) and so this Caleb could have been afraid of it. I’ll accept that theory. The story makes enough sense, is a nice homage to Port Charles, doesn’t go completely off the rails and is a good excuse to maybe keep Michael Easton on our screens while this Prospect Park insanity continues.

So win-win-win-win-win.

So close! And yet…

Okay, do I love the fact that apparently the only flack Frisco’s going to get from Maxie about walking out of her life when she was seven years old and not even coming home for her sister’s funeral was that one tepid line on Monday about missing Georgie’s whole life? NO. NO, I DO NOT.

(Especially when I know what she’s capable of.)

But come on. Who wasn’t cheering when Frisco laid the hammer down on Britt? Or when Maxie finally, finally came clean about her latest disastrous life choices:

Frisco and Maxie

MAXIE: Do you think I’m awful?
FRISCO: No, I don’t. I think you’re amazing. You’re my daughter and I love you and I believe you’ve been sacrificing your happiness for everyone else’s.

Yeah, okay. I teared up a little. I’m woman enough to admit it. Continue reading

Why, Nurse Webber, you can play doctor with me any day.

They are killing me with this. KILLING ME. How can Elizabeth and AJ keep being so cute and not be making out?

Frank Valentini had better have been lying through his sneaky little teeth when he said AJ wasn’t the new man on her horizon, is all I’m saying. Because, daaaaaaaamn:

Liz saves AJ2

MICHAEL: What was that about?
AJ: The check that Tracy wrote to fund the Nurses’ Ball bounced and I was telling Elizabeth about it… who could not have been nicer. And I just–I don’t know. I just wish we could–
ME: GO MAKE OUT WITH HER RIGHT NOW?
AJ: –make that commitment happen.

Okay, fine. But seriously, you guys. I need them to make out so hard.

And they’re not the only ones! Because Sam and John are working together to solve the riddle of all the vampire craziness, and she keeps doing things that make him look at her like this… Continue reading

Ain’t no party like a Ferncliff party, because a Ferncliff party is full of crazy people.

Sometimes, friends, a thing happens on your show. A thing you didn’t really ask for and don’t really understand. And yet you just have to go with it.

Lucy the Vampire Slayer

SO MUCH CONTACT EMBARRASSMENT, OMG

I didn’t really watch Port Charles for a variety of reasons both practical and petty. (They broke up Karen and Jagger, those bastards!) Everything I know about the goofiness of its later years comes from general soap osmosis. And although that’s still enough to follow along with what’s been happening over the last week, I have had some pretty huge honking reservations about delving into alternate PC history.

And yet… it’s given us moments like this: Continue reading

It’s a good thing I find other people’s misery entertaining…

Because everyone in Port Charles is absolutely miserable! Well, except for Lulu and Dante, who are on top of the world about the baby… that they don’t know has miscarried. Um. So, you know. There’s that.

Not that things are much happier over in Switzerland, where Robert lies in a coma (with Holly at his side!) and Anna is suffering from Duke Mask-PTSD:

realDuke has a sad

SAD FACE? OR THE SADDEST FACE
EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, OMG?

I don’t know that I have the words to deal with Duke’s reaction to Anna flinching away from him in instinctive terror. But it was both wonderful and terrible to witness. Ian Buchanan is already distinguishing himself from Faison-as-Duke in so many subtle ways and watching him is a joy. (Also: Anna! I missed you so much, please never ever leave us alone with Konnie and Johnny again, okay?)

Then, of course, the second most welcome face to reappear on my tv screen finally managed to convince Sam that Jason is really, truly, dead as a doornail DEAD. (Okay, I might have thrown some confetti at that point, but that’s just me. Sorry, Jason! You had your moments, but it turns out the show is roughly EIGHT MILLION TIMES BETTER without you, so… please feel free to stay in Genoa City for a good long while.)

Kelly Monaco and her tear ducts of steel ably ran with this realization, and it was all very moving, my private glee aside: Continue reading