It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Bill and Luke’s excellent history lesson.

Happy New Year, everyone! This is not the year in review post, because it’s not done yet. I’m the worst. Sorry. But hey, at least we know who FauxLuke is! (Probably? Unless the last two days have been another elaborate red herring?)

Bill Eckert

But no, for real: it’s totally Bill Eckert. And I’m not fully on board, because despite Bobbie’s big smear campaign yesterday, I don’t remember him being a murderous, child-abusing womanizer? But I’m also not opposed, because this is looking like it’s going to be a completely bonkers history lesson with rogue Spencers popping up out of the woodwork, and you all know I love that crap.  Continue reading

Wherefore art thou, Johnny?

Welp. Those five seconds it looked like maybe this latest incarnation of Johnny Zacchara wouldn’t be a gigantic failboat sure didn’t last long. It’s a little ironic that one of the only characters I consistently liked during the Guza era is one of the ones I’ve hated most during the Carlivati era, but here we are.

Carlivati’s Johnny exists solely to make Sonny look good in comparison — as if there are enough Machiavellian mob takeover schemes in the world to ever make me forget what a raging douchebag this guy has been for the past 15 years:

Sonny cries

NO DICE. HIS TEARS GIVE ME LIFE.

To be fair, Guza’s Johnny characterization was a little schizophrenic, too. Remember when they introduced him with all these warnings about how he was this CRAZY and OUT OF CONTROL!!!! daredevil who spent all his time jumping off bridges? And then almost immediately decided to make him a sensitive, brooding, classical piano playing, genuinely nice guy who respected women and didn’t really want to be a part of the mob? Good times. Continue reading

Schadenfreude makes the heart grow fonder.

You know, I want to say I’ve missed Johnny, but it’s hard to miss someone when you’re busy repressing large portions of the year or so before he left.

(Hey, remember that time Johnny and Carly had a relationship that we were all supposed to take seriously? Or that time he killed a 4 year old and let a mentally ill woman he also had sex with take the rap? Or that time he framed Tracy for his father’s murder? No, of course you don’t, because LALALALALA NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.)

Johnny!

ANYWAY. The point is, Johnny has a lot of crap to make up for before I’ll even come close to forgiving and forgetting the train wreck that was his most recent plots. But having his prison gang beat the stuffing out of Sonny? That makes up for a lot. Continue reading

So long, and thanks for all the smoldering.

Despite the fact that it was a transparent set up for the apparently inevitable Sonny/Olivia revisit we’re about to get — and I’m stabbing myself in the eyes in advance, believe me —  I can’t complain about Johnny’s actual last scenes being with Olivia.

Or about the two of them actually acting like people who once loved each other for pretty much the first time in over a year:

Jolivia goodbye1

OLIVIA: What is your problem?
JOHNNY: [finally losing his cool] I don’t want to see you get hurt!
OLIVIA: [quietly] I’m fine… Thank you. I should go.
JOHNNY: Let me know what happens with Morgan, huh?
OLIVIA: I will. Hey, um… I’m sorry for accusing you of setting Sonny up.
JOHNNY: We both know it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
OLIVIA: You’re a good person deep down. I know that.
JOHNNY: Thanks for believing that.
OLIVIA: Hey, if you need anything in here, I want to hear about it, okay? Who knows, maybe I’ll even come back for a visit.
JOHNNY: I’d like that.
OLIVIA: [teary] You take care of yourself, okay? I don’t need any more bad news.

OH, YOU TWO. Continue reading

Where’s Felix when you need him?

Oh, Liz. Oh, girl. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. (Except for maybe your choice to wear that sweater, because damn, it looked good.)

Seriously, though, that was a short lived period of me not hating Nik’s guts and enjoying the Liz/Nik revisit, huh? This Nik — the entitled, condescending, pushy Nik? — is pretty much my least favorite parts of the character condensed into one super potent package of assiness.

Nik and Liz redux

ELIZABETH: My reaction had more to do with me than AJ. I feel bad about our affair. Nikolas, I still feel incredibly guilty.
NIKOLAS: Whatever feelings you have about our past, it doesn’t excuse AJ. He’s acting like a jealous idiot who’s trying to claim you like you’re his property!

Um, Nikolas? I’ve got this pot on the phone? He says he’d like to call your kettle black. Continue reading

But… but, who will we hate now?

I’m sad to hear the news that Brandon Barash will be leaving GH. I had been hoping now that Johnny seemed have to hit rock bottom the new regime would be able to do some rehabilitation. *sigh* And I admit, now that Steve is leaving, I had let my heart hope that he and Olivia would be able to somehow get back to their hotness. But alas, no.

Brandon Barash

I feel so many mixed emotions about the news of these exits. Is it a sign that the actors aren’t happy with the changes? Maybe. I’m sure no one would be happy to go from being a featured daily character to being used on more of a rotational basis. But until Kristina talked about going to Pentonville to do her community service, I had forgotten about Johnny completely. There is so much going on with the canvas that it makes sense that there isn’t room for everyone. Continue reading

Davis girls sure do love their felons!

Folks, here’s another one to be filed under Sentences I Never I’d Type About General Hospital: there is just so much going on with the love lives of the over 50 crowd that I haven’t had time to say anything about Port Charles’ new teen scene.

And by “teen scene,” I mean the one triangle we’ve got brewing between Molly “I talk only in literary references” Lansing, TJ “Please forget that whole illiteracy plot line” Ashford, and Rafe “My real dad’s a vampire” Kovich.

(I know. I KNOW. But really, it’s not as terrible as it sounds.)

Molly and TJ fight

Raise your hand if you were also distracted by
his old man cardigan in this scene.

First things first: I’m a little uncomfortable watching a 14 year old actress share romantic scenes with 18 and 20 year old actors, which probably can’t be helped, but it still unfortunate. Continue reading

Secrets, secrets everywhere! If only I could bring myself to care!

Seriously, I know I should be enjoying Todd’s chickens coming home to roost, but the fact that so many of his recent decisions have felt so out of character makes it kind of hard.

Michael comforts Starr

STARR: I feel so sorry for Trey. My dad may be crazy, but at least he always put me first.

That was supposed to be the big “ouch” irony moment, but the thing is? She’s right. Todd may be a lot of things, but Lord, does he love Starr. And he loved Hope too. And I’ve never believed that he wouldn’t have thrown himself to the wolves for either of them in a heartbeat.

(It was also a little strange that all these big baby swap revelations were coming out without Sam present. It’s not like it would have been hard to contrive a reason for her to wander in, either, given her sister’s painful attempts to emote just down the hall.)

Meanwhile, Carly’s priorities remain typically hilarious: Continue reading