Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

This week, on Sonny’s Hospital…

The good news is we got a week without Franco, Nina, Madeline or Kiki, and barely any of Ava’s wig. The bad news is… literally every other thing that happened. Hey, remember when this show dialed back the mob and the Sonny/Jason worship and got the highest ratings in years? Well, apparently no one at the network does, because we’re doing the opposite of that now.

But there was one single bright spot in this wall of suck, so I’ll start with that:

Sam and Patrick talk

SAM: I care about my father, I care about Sonny. But the mob, the danger, the power struggle? That’s the life that I had with Jason. And I’m with you now. And I’m happy in a way that I never even thought was possible.
PATRICK: You don’t miss the adrenaline?
SAM: I don’t miss the fear. I don’t miss what Carly is going through right now, loving somebody, sitting by their side, praying that their going to live. And knowing that if they do, nothing is going to change, everything is just going to go back to the way things were. He’s gonna target his enemies before they target him… But I understand why she stays. I do. I get that she loves him. But hey — I love you. I love you, the brilliant surgeon, who saves lives instead of taking them. This is the life I want.

What a lovely, honest and mature conversation between two adults! How refreshing to see the day to day cost of living a life of violence acknowledged with emotional complexity and nuance! I hope you enjoyed that, because the rest of the week was more along the lines of this: Continue reading

OH NO, WILL SONNY DIE?!

The answer to this and so many other pressing questions — is this show ever going to stop trying to make Kiki happen? Will Maura West lose that godawful wig before I go insane? Are Anna and Jordan going to make out any time soon? — is sadly, tragically: no.

The latter is extra tragic, because how super adorable was Anna and Jordan’s reunion on Friday? SO SUPER ADORABLE.

Jordan and Anna2

Jordan and Anna1

I refuse to believe that all that business with Jordan pushing Anna to get serious with Sloane was anything but a cover for how much she wants to date Anna instead. JE REFUSE.

I don’t know why the powers that be think that All Sonny All the Time will cure this show’s many, many problems when all I want in the world is for awesome lady detectives to go out and detect stuff and also make out every now and then. It’s a true mystery. Continue reading

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading

Sweet, sweet freedom!

Well, obviously not for Shawn, who’s now joining an exclusive club previously populated solely by Blackie Parrish and Matt Hunter, i.e. characters on this show who might actually stay in prison for longer than a few months.

goodbye Shawn

And considering Matt’s offense was basically self-defense against a serial killer and Shawn still hasn’t managed to kill anyone at all (but not for lack of trying! he’s like the little hit man that could!) while Franco, Sonny, and Julian are still wandering completely free, let’s just say the PCPD justice system is chugging along as competently as ever. Continue reading

I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?

Duke's dead

So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.

I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them. Continue reading

A tale of two incompetent hit men.

Nathan’s at the hospital, holding a flyer advertising the Nurses’ Ball. (Sponsored by Aveeno! Naturally Beautiful Results®) I would mock it more, but Aveeno products have been helping keep my Eczema at bay for years. (Aveeno! Harness the power of ACTIVE NATURALS® ingredients!)

Nurse' Ball 2015

Anyway, the ball is next Friday, aka tomorrow in show time. Which means we’ve got an entire week to kill over the course of one day. But it’s cool! I’m sure they have some really stimulating material to fill up the time! Speaking of which: Silas walks in and reminds Nathan that he used to be his brother-in-law. I, for one, am fascinated already.

Over at ELQ, Sonny swears he had nothing to do with drugging Michael. Which Michael knows, because he is not an idiot and has already jumped to the obvious and correct conclusion about the culprits. Right on cue: enter Morgan and Kiki! Continue reading

Stupid is as stupid does.

I’m beginning to get a little concerned about the League of Evil, y’all. Do they need ELQ because they’re so collectively broke that they can’t even afford a decent lair? Because I’m not sure how else to explain the fact that they are STILL keeping Luke in the basement of a house where they KNOW people are going to keep wandering around.

Speaking of stupidity, I don’t know what was funnier — the look on Julian’s face while Sonny sang Shawn “I’ve yet to actually succeed at a single task you’ve given me” Butler’s praises?

Julian is skeptical

Clearly thinking: “This is the crack team
that’s foiled my every plan?

…or Lucas trying to guilt Michael into forgiving Morgan by reminding him that his brother is so useless and stupid that he will probably wander out into traffic or climb into the back of a stranger’s van if left to his own devices for too long. (Let’s face it, this is not an inaccurate assessment.) Continue reading

Exercises in frustration.

It’s been a rough couple of days in Port Charles. Franco was on screen for large portions of time, not telling Michael that Sonny murdered AJ, i.e. the one and only thing that could possible make him relevant.

Jordan was on screen, waving a gun around and not using it to shoot Shawn, even though she practically had an engraved invitation to do so.

Jordan to the rescue1

GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Shawn — whose job description is literally MAFIA HITMAN — was on screen, not getting hit with lightning while complaining that Ava is a “cold-blooded killer” and “a piece of work” because she didn’t agree to be kidnapped like a nice girl. I’m actually not sure which was more funny/enraging — the above dialog, or Sonny berating him afterward for failing to shoot the woman he’s sleeping with so he could deliver the woman carrying Sonny’s child/grandchild for execution.

(Trick question: both things made me want to rage cry until I blacked out from how much I hate both these characters.) Continue reading

Dumb and dumber.

It’s so hard keeping track of the mob hierarchies on this show. There’s the good mobsters, who kill people and do non-specified illegal things — but not drugs! And the gray area mobsters, who kill people and deal cocaine while feeling bad about it — but not heroin!

And of course, the bad mobsters — who kill people and also lace their cocaine with secret heroin, because that seems like a winning business model.

Julian kills Mickey

And it would be one thing if any of them were remotely competent. But… let’s just say that last week, Sonny literally had to stop Shawn from shooting a helicopter down over the hospital. While they were standing right beneath it. That was a thing that actually happened.

Meanwhile, Julian gave Mickey an ultimatum and was shocked — SHOCKED, I SAY — when he retaliated against Julian’s loved ones. I mean, it’s not like the exact same thing happened the last time he stood up to his boss. (I hate what they’re doing with Julian right now. I hate it so much. Not only is he lying to Alexis in really unforgivable ways, but he’s doing it in the service of a plot that continuously requires him to be a complete idiot.) Continue reading