Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

sabrinas-corpse

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading

I don’t understand anything that’s happening right now.

Can someone wake me up when this characterization starts to make sense again? Because I keep waiting, but it’s getting increasingly painful. I’ll let Emma ask the pertinent question:

Patrick and Emma2

EMMA: Why are you taking so long to bring me and mommy home?
PATRICK: Because me and mommy have been apart for a little while, so we just need to take a little time to get to know each other a little bit. Unfortunately, I can’t do that by spending any time with her. I mean, that would be crazy. Do you understand?
EMMA: No.
PATRICK: Good talk.

(It’s possible I may have been paraphrasing a bit for part of that, but I think I captured the essence.) Continue reading

Third time’s the charm, right?

Let’s be honest: Kristina Wagner has never been the strongest actress. She’s had a few really great moments, and skated by the rest of the time on a likable presence and good chemistry. Which is all you really need sometimes on a soap, so I’m not knocking it. Better actors by far have floundered without that magic soap touch.

Since she’s been back, it’s taken her a little while to get into the groove again — with one notable exception. But damn if she didn’t kind of rip my heart out here:

Felicia and Maxie

MAXIE: We’re in a good place now.
FELICIA: We’re in a great place. Because of you. You let me back into your life and you didn’t have to, Maxie.
MAXIE: You’re my mom.
FELICIA: I haven’t always acted like one. Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won’t waste it. My little girl. All grown up. So compassionate, so strong. You’re going to be an exceptional mother someday, do you know that?
MAXIE: I love you, mom.

(Thanks, ladies. I didn’t really want to get through the rest of my day without crying anyway.) Continue reading

Well, that was a delightful 36 minutes of my life.

It is a scientifically proven fact that even when this show — how do I say this delicately? — sucked gigantic donkey balls, wedding-related parties at Jake’s The Floating Rib are always awesome. Always.

Maxie and her folks

Lante karaoke

Obviously, this was no exception. Poison! Karaoke! Baby momma drama! Drag! Everything I love in life, basically!

First of all, can we please talk about my new girlfriend, Liesl Obrecht? Because she is both the MVP of the last few episodes and OF MY HEART. Who else could rock that wig with such panache? Who else could pull off a monologue referring to her romantic rival as “the sow and her piglet”? Or dialog like this? Continue reading

Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant.

I’ve said it before, but one of the nicest things about Ron Carlivati’s tenure is the certainty that even if something really isn’t working for me, it’s only a matter of time before a better thing will appear. We may never know what the plan was before all the backstage drama with Prospect Park, but I think it’s safe to say the rushed rewrites has resulted in a mixed bag. At best. It’s just… it’s been a rough month or so.

But we may be seeing the start of a course correction? Vets are popping up all other the place again, there’s a couple mass umbrella stories a-brewin’, and SAM’S FREAKING DAD. Plus yesterday we got an episode showcasing one of my very favorite things in the soap world:

Scotty, Lucy and Tracy

LUCY: Okay, you wanna know a secret?
SCOTT: [suspicious] No.
LUCY: Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway! I wouldn’t mind if Kevin was sitting here, having a piece of pie with me. But the truth is, I would not change one single moment of this evening.
SCOTT: No?
LUCY: No, because I loved the way you handled Tracy! Do you know you did more for me and for Deception than Kevin’s done yet at all.
SCOTT: Well, I’m glad I could be at your service.
LUCY: Thank you, Captain. Scott Baldwin, you are a very, very good friend. And! A negotiator extraordinaire.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, GUYS. Like, seriously. It must be literal magic. Because the amount of annoyance I feel for Scotty when he’s involved in pretty much any other story than being Lucy’s BFF is astronomical. But two seconds of he and Lucy working together to fleece Tracy? I’m all aboard the Scott Baldwin love train. (Also, please let that reference to their children mean we’re actually going to see Serena and/or Christina soon? PLEASE?) Continue reading

Well, I’ll be damned. He does know the meaning of the word!

Other than wanting to kick Morgan and Kiki in the head, I’ve found it hard to focus on General Hospital this past week. But before tomorrow’s big, soul destroying reveal of Roger Howarth’s mystery identity (just so you know, I’m already preemptively primal screaming about it right now) let’s take a moment to marvel at that rarest of animals: a Luke Spencer apology!

Admittedly, it started out kind of rocky:

Luke apologizes

LUKE: Tracy Angelica Quartermaine, you are the last person in the world I ever want to do wrong by. Don’t you get that by now?

Stupid Tracy! After years of being robbed, belittled, manipulated, cheated on, abandoned and then summarily divorced, how could you not understand by now that not hurting you is Luke’s number one priority?  Continue reading

Thanks, show. I really needed that.

Well, damn. Between the recent relapse into mob shenanigans, being subjected to the “acting” of The Chew hosts, and crying to the soap gods about the state of Michael Easton’s hair (more on that later), I spent much of the last week’s episodes remembering how my fast forward button worked.

But then! Ms. Tracy Angelica Quartermaine marched in and unleashed a METRIC BUTTLOAD of truth and awesomeness on that selfish, ungrateful wretch she calls an ex-husband and I think my heart literally grew three sizes just watching it:

Tracy tells Luke off

TRACY: Don’t you dare come in her and kiss me and feed me scraps. I am sick to death of making a meals out of crumbs. I want the whole meal! And I am not giving up until I get it.

DAMN RIGHT.

(That is but a taste, people! There was so much more! And anyone who didn’t have the urge to clap wildly throughout her entire speech is basically dead to me, just so you know.) (Also — and this should probably go without saying — Jane Elliot owns my soul forever.) Continue reading

In which Doc explains it all.

Guys, I know I say this a lot, but the noises that came out of my mouth when Kevin appeared on screen yesterday were not only supersonic, but so annoying that even I had to pause the DVR with an expression of disgust, like who is that asshole making those wretched sounds while I’m trying to watch my stories? And then I realized it was me. I was the asshole. THE HAPPIEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.

Kevin Collins returns

KEVIN! All dignity and wry humor and salt and pepper hair! OMG, I love him. I also love him explaining, that no, there are no vampires (or angels or demons or magic). And no, he doesn’t have a daughter named Livvie, and basically no, I don’t have to acknowledge any of the PC canon I never liked anyway.

And obviously there’s more to it than that, because Alison is wandering around flipping her gourd at the sight of John. Continue reading

CAN’T TALK. TOO HAPPY.

So, I was just sitting at my desk, still euphoric over the Genie Francis news but also quietly having kittens about how absolutely terrible this all sounds (although I would not put it past Ron Carlivati to be just messing with everyone at this point, so let’s not freak out too much just yet).

And then–AND THEN!–I found out we’re getting Kevin Collins back. KEVIN EFFING COLLINS, Y’ALL. And seriously? It was like a Disney movie with tiny cartoon birds chirping above my head and sun shining down on my little cubicle and puppies frolicking in rainbows and ALL IS FORGIVEN FOREVER, SHOW.

lindstrom

Because Doc! DOC!!! He can fix everything! He can make me put up with vampires and weirdly unnecessary callbacks to a show most current viewers never even watched (and I don’t mean OLTL). He can spar with Lucy, and hang out with Mac and Felicia, and be all sensible and and awesome and the first actually competent shrink this town has had since… well, since he left, actually.

He can make Konnie go away.

My wishlist of dream returns is getting pretty small. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL COMING TRUE. Clearly there is only one way to deal with feels this complex. And that is cross-dressing: Continue reading