Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.


it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)


Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Everything’s coming up ladies!

Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:

Parker and Kristina3

We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.

I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions! Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Continue reading

You had me at lesbians.

I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.

And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.

Parker and Kristina2

Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading

This week, on All Sonny’s Children…

All of Sonny’s kids are back in the fold and they all just love him so much! Isn’t that just great? Wasn’t your heart just warmed? Don’t you not in any way feel the urge to primal rage scream multiple times an episode?

(Look, I’m aware that I’m in danger of becoming a broken record here. But then again, so is the show. So I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.)

Michael forgives Sonny

Sonny is forgiven

MICHAEL: I’m sorry, for, uh–
SONNY: I’m the one who’s sorry, buddy.
MICHAEL: It’s fine, it’s over, you know we both messed up.

Yes, you both messed up! Sonny killed a man in cold blood and you, Michael, had the temerity to be angry about it. Those are definitely equivalent crimes! Continue reading

Davis girls sure do love their felons!

Folks, here’s another one to be filed under Sentences I Never I’d Type About General Hospital: there is just so much going on with the love lives of the over 50 crowd that I haven’t had time to say anything about Port Charles’ new teen scene.

And by “teen scene,” I mean the one triangle we’ve got brewing between Molly “I talk only in literary references” Lansing, TJ “Please forget that whole illiteracy plot line” Ashford, and Rafe “My real dad’s a vampire” Kovich.

(I know. I KNOW. But really, it’s not as terrible as it sounds.)

Molly and TJ fight

Raise your hand if you were also distracted by
his old man cardigan in this scene.

First things first: I’m a little uncomfortable watching a 14 year old actress share romantic scenes with 18 and 20 year old actors, which probably can’t be helped, but it still unfortunate. Continue reading

Hello, hotness! Part deux.

Is Sean Kanan magic? How does everything he touch turn to hotness? I don’t even find him that good looking, personally! I mean, I love the guy, clearly. But it’s not because I think he’s most attractive actor on the show. Or even the best actor on the cast.

What he does have is that certain something that really works for the most effective soap actors — call it charisma or presence or je ne sais quoi… whatever it is, I just find him mad compelling in everything he does. (And hot. Did I mention the hot?)

Exhibit A: every scene he’s shared with Rebecca Herbst so far. Exhibit B, well… see for yourself:

Carly&AJ hotness1

Carly&AJ hotness2

AJ and Carly, y’all! I knew they had some chemistry, but I was not expecting that to be so completely molten dirtybadwrong hot. And funny. Did I mention the funny?

CARLY: What’s wrong?
AJ: Uh, you. You’re all drunk and stabby.

Hah! Drunk and stabby Carly is my new favorite Carly. And calling everyone on their crap but also reluctantly doing the right thing AJ is my always favorite AJ. Even if it means his revenge rant gets thwarted. Continue reading