Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

sabrinas-corpse

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

Finn meditates

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

Everyone in this town should basically be committed.

So, I have actually stopped watching the majority of Elizabeth’s scenes because it’s just too painful. (True facts: Sometimes I feel like this whole story is some weird karmic punishment for all the years of complaining about her being backburnered. “You wanted a story?” the soap gods cackle, “OH, WE’LL GIVE YOU A STORY.”)

But every now and then I do tune in, and she is just flat out, balls to the wall insane now, right? Because I don’t know how else to explain dialog like this:

Crazy Liz

JASON: You can’t see why Sam would think her husband is alive after all you’ve been through?
ELIZABETH: What do you mean?
JASON: Honey, your son turned out to be alive long after you’d accepted his death.
ELIZABETH: Yeah, and that was a miracle. The chance that it could happen again is…

“…is extremely likely, since my ex-husband came back from the dead. Also my last two boyfriends before you. And also LITERALLY EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS EVER DIED IN THIS TOWN.” That’s what she was going to say there, right? Because the idea that anyone in this town would be surprised to see anyone show up alive at this point should be taken as a clear sign that they are insane. Continue reading

Another day, another reason not to care.

It’s so hard to care about anything on this show right now, you guys. Like, I really tried to care about Luke’s last episode? But since it was basically an interminable Luke/Sonny circle jerk — actual dialog from Luke to Sonny: “Port Charles is going to need you now” (!?!?) — with no tribute montage and no last scene with Laura because Tony’s Geary’s issues matter more than viewer satisfaction, I wound up feeling more irritated than nostalgic.

But if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that I’m always here for a good Morgan tell off:

Morgan and Ava caught in the act

MORGAN: I do care about Kiki, okay? The last thing I want to do it hurt her.
SILAS: Then you never should have gotten back together with her! You never should have claimed to care about her! You never should have asked her to trust you when you were so clearly unworthy of her trust. You are a selfish, shallow, horny little brat, and you deserve to be screwed over the same way you’re screwing over my daughter.

Of course, Morgan being Morgan, he stayed apologetic for roughly 2.5 seconds before getting self-righteously angry and blaming his bullshit on everyone by him. But, hey! At least Silas got to go out on a relative high note!  Continue reading

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading

A picture is worth a thousand dubious eye-rolls.

Hey, good news, guys!* The writers finally, finally decided to give us a reason for Nikolas’ decision to viciously betray every person he’s ever loved! And that reason is… money. He’s literally just doing it for the money. So stop your whining, whiners! Everything makes perfect sense now.

Nikolas confession

Yes, it turns out running a brainwashing/resurrection clinic is surprisingly expensive. It seems like they could just throw a patent on that machine that brings people back from the dead, but what do I know about business? Clearly nothing. And sure, Nikolas still has enough funds to buy millions of dollars worth of stock in cash, but he is totes destitute now, y’all. What else could he do — sell off a few castles? Take over some other company that wasn’t owned by his dead wife’s family and didn’t require him to let his own cousin think her husband was dead? That’s all clearly crazy talk. Continue reading