Year of Suck in Review: 2011

Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…

General Hospital 2011

STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.

KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!

ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
ELIZABETH: What?
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do. Continue reading

Maybe she’s a Cylon? Not the sexy kind. The toaster kind.

You know, I wanted to like Officer Rookie. I really did! I’m not a curmudgeon by nature. I gave her a pass when she left Shawn alone at a crime scene in his boss’ warehouse, because no cop is allowed to be smart in Port Charles and that’s not her fault. And I tried to be forgiving when she immediately leapt at Dante’s throat with no provocation, because this show’s idea of subtlety is smacking you with the narrative equivalent of a two by four.

But the grace period is over! When even Ronnie (Ronnie!) starts looking competent and reasonable in comparison, you know something’s taken a wrong turn:

PADILLA: There’s a whole lot of people here looking uneasy.
RONNIE: There was a psycho on the boat with them.
PADILLA: So, she’s not here now. What are they so nervous about?

Yeah, it’d been like half an hour since they were terrorized and nearly murdered! What could they possibly have still been upset about?

(Side note: can we talk for a moment about how Lisa is a known psychopath who stalked Robin for months, murdered a nurse, shot up the hospital, killed the captain, threw a passenger overboard, and knocked out out three more… so if any of them did kill her, there is absolutely NO REASON to cover it up instead of just claiming self-defense, and this whole whodunit is even more pointless and stupid than usual?) Continue reading

Terror BOREDOM on the high seas!

Oh my GOD, get a grip on your libidos, PC doctors! You’d think this was an overnight cruise and not a three hour tour. I mean, if it was a huge party and a couple of people slipped away for some nookie, that would be one thing. But when there are only six of you, it’s just… obvious and awkward.

(I’ve been trying to imagine a situation where I would be at a tiny gathering of CO-WORKERS and just… slip away for several hours of public nudity and sex in an enclosed space where any one of them might walk by. Also, a situation where I would ever think that skinny dipping in upstate New York in October would be a good idea.

DRAWING A HUGE BLANK ON BOTH, JUST SO YOU KNOW.)

And you know, usually, Matt’s persecution complex and endless, whiny neediness makes me roll my eyes, but when four of the five other people present at a party that’s supposed to be in his honor can’t even manage to make him the center of attention the time it takes to tour Port Charles harbor (much less even stay in the same room with him. Or warn him when a homicidal maniac is wandering around, Patrick) then maybe the kid’s got a point.

Poor Drunk!Matt. That lamp is seriously his only friend. Continue reading

In the words of Granny Weatherwax: I ATE’NT DEAD.

But I have been couch-hopping all month. And subjecting my friends to the special hell that is this show seemed a poor way to thank them for their hospitality. Now I’m staying with family and family isn’t so lucky.

(Diving off the wagon into three straight weeks of General Hospital in one afternoon is a bit like that scene from Scarface where All Pacino is sticking his nose in a mountain of cocaine. Except without the merciful death afterward.)

Thoughts in no particular order:

* Lisa’s gone! Until the next sweeps when she wakes up from her coma, at least. I guess that’s something. Brianna Brown, bless her scenery chewing little heart, worked the CRAZY EYES to the hilt up to the last. I will miss her, even if I won’t miss this mess of a story.

* Also: why on earth would any hospital ever have a lock down system that would ensure patients couldn’t receive care? And that apparently only one person had the code (a laughably insecure code at that) to undo? And what are those seemingly glass hospital doors made of that they would need explosives to break them down rather than, oh, I don’t know… A ROCK?

* And Jason’s now contract killing for the PCPD? Like, officially? OH, OF COURSE HE IS. (I think what I resented most of all about those scenes was that they put me in the uncomfortable position of having to be on Ronnie’s side of an argument. Ronnie! A character so one-note and charmless that the mere sight of him normally has my finger twitching to the fast forward button! At least Taggert was hot, you know?)

* Speaking of one-note and charmless characters, I cannot bring myself to watch a single Spinelli scene. HOW? How did they manage to give him a new personality that is even more grating than his normal one? The writing on the wall for poor, underused Matt/Maxie makes me sad. Continue reading

Lisa in chains

And so it came to pass that after many, many, many months of pointless schemes and increasingly puzzling hair choices, the writers became bored with the Saga of Lisa.

Thus the Scorpios did conveniently manage to pull their heads out of their collective asses in time to catch her in the act, and thus was she hauled off in chains, where even Johnny of the Uncomfortable Sister Issues did forsake her.

And it was — if not good — at least something slightly different. (Which is fairly low praise when you come to think of it, but hey, this show has successfully lowered my expectations to the point where “not the same exact thing that happened yesterday” is about the best you can hope for.) Continue reading

I think the GH writers might be watching too much South Park.

I’ve spent entirely too much time lately trying to figure out what the point of Lisa’s latest plot is. All I can figure is that she’s subscribing to the Underpants Gnome philosophy on plan making:

Phase 1: Drug Kristina.
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit, er Get Patrick to love her.

And misogyny is alive and well in the mob portion of Port Charles, where men can apparently decide who they allow their wives to be friends with:

SONNY: [to Jax] I let you guys be friends because that was what Brenda wanted.

Oh, how big of you, Sonny! STFU, seriously.

When the show’s charming leading men aren’t dictating who their significant others should spend time with, they’re giving them faux support. I mean, I’m paraphrasing here, but how else to explain this:

JASON: I can go to your doctor appointment with you, Sam.
SAM: OMG, I can’t believe you would even consider doing something so self-sacrificing! I know you absolutely hate doing anything that isn’t related to killing people or running around town after Michael. I feel blessed to be able to spend every day telling you how awesome you are. You don’t actually need to be supportive of me; just telling me that you would like to be supportive but can’t is more than I deserve!

BARF.

In which we belatedly comment on old news:

Incandescentflower: Oh my! Genie Francis will be on Y&R, Brook Lynn is leaving and Tyler Christopher was let go? Good for Genie Francis, but sad for GH… I’m glad they are getting rid of Brook Lynn since they had no idea what to do with her. But I am surprised about TC even though he can’t act his way out of a paper bag these days.
Tenillypo: Agreed on all counts.
Incandescentflower: Do you think they are recasting Nikolas?
Tenillypo: Haven’t heard anything about that. Which is just typical, because they’re about to do a story where he should be heavily featured, but they probably won’t bother.
Incandescentflower: The Cassadine story they put off because of James Franco?
Tenillypo: HAHAHA… no, that’s never happening. No, I mean Liz finding out Aiden is Lucky’s.
Incandescentflower: Oh, yeah.
Tenillypo: I mean, on a real soap there would be months of drama from Nikolas having already bonded with the kid and still thinking of him as his own. But on this one he’ll probably just leave town, all “Laters!” It’s such a wasted dramatic opportunity.
Incandescentflower: You could pretty much add the statement “it’s such a wasted dramatic opportunity” after describing any GH plot. It’s like saying “in bed” after any Chinese fortune.

Which provides the perfect segue to my next point, namely: Patrick and Robin! So adorable when they’re by themselves!

… And so freaking annoying when they’re repeating the same five lines of dialogue over and over again with Lisa and Johnny (aka, The Character I Once Loved and Now Find More Tiresome Than I Ever Imagined Possible).

Why? Why are the writers doing this to us? When will they let Patrick and Robin have a conversation that doesn’t involve rehashing all the tiresome bullshit we’ve already been subjected to watching over the last year of this awful story? Why do they want us to hate Johnny? Do they even remember that Terrell still exists? And could Lisa and Kristina’s interactions possibly get more random and nonsensical? Continue reading

Is this some sort of bizarre cry for help?

My darling Johnny,

I am beginning to worry about you. I fear that bad case of contrivance you picked up a few months ago has begun to affect your higher reasoning skills:

JOHNNY: I’m just saying that Lisa has her side of the story. She’s in love with Patrick. Patrick knew that. He slept with her. And then he dumped her.
MAXIE: Are you insane? Lisa should be locked up!
JOHNNY: Lisa’s only crime is falling in love with the wrong man, like my sister did.

Dearest, I have tried to be patient. But now I really have to ask… what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A few points: Continue reading

This show is committing crimes against good taste. And my brain.

Okay, Lisa. It’s time we had a little talk.

You see, at first you were pretty much horrible and useless. Then you got kind of awesome! Then… less so.

But now you’ve gone too far. Clumsily poaching from Dangerous Liaisons is one thing. Making Patrick’s hair do… whatever it was attempting to do at the end of last week?

Not on, Lisa! Not on. Knock it off.

You know it’s a bad sign when the most pressing thing on my mind is a mild diatribe about the state of Patrick’s hair. But the truth is that the show has been so painfully boring lately that I’ve barely been able to force myself to fast forward through most of it. Continue reading

All Lisa’s Men (and other quandaries that continue to plague me).

Oh, Johnny, Johnny… Wherefore art thou, Johnny that I loved? And who is this smug, strip-club owning jackhole standing in his place?

Whoever he is, he’s one of three men currently circling Lisa’s crazy drain. For the record, this is clearly two men too many to sustain on a character as thinly drawn and little liked as Lisa. But if the writing team cared about that kind of thing, we probably wouldn’t also be experiencing the joy of every other man in town currently worshiping on the Brenda express. So, whatever.

Lisa’s third man, Doctor Lawsuit Waiting to Happen, has now been downgraded to Doctor Too Stupid To Live after apparently agreeing to quit his job his job and move across the country on a moment’s notice in order to seduce a perfect stranger in exchange for a relationship with a woman who has asked him to do all this because… she’s obsessed with another man. With decision making skills like that, would you want this guy in charge of your medical care?

Fortunately for my sanity, Lisa’s number one doctor has finally proven he actually has a brain in that pretty, pretty noggin of his, and correctly leapt to the conclusion that man number two has been blackmailing her with the syringe she tried to use on Robin a few weeks back. Oh, Patrick. It’s about time, sweetheart. Continue reading