A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.
General Hospital 2015
DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading
Sometimes a thing happens, and it is so intensely dumb that it’s almost hard to even make fun of it. Yesterday, that thing was every word that came out of Nikolas and Lucky’s mouths. Exhibit A:
LUCKY: But you know, even with everything that’s happened. Bringing Jake home, everything right with the world… everything’s not right with me. I’m still broken. I’m in no condition to be around my kids. Who the hell does that sound like?
NIKOLAS: You’re not like him, Lucky.
LUCKY: Luke Spencer raised me, okay? I’m just following in his footsteps. And I’m a great dad! As long as I don’t have to be near my kids.
NIKOLAS: Don’t say that — that’s not true. You’re nothing like him! You’re an amazing father.
LUCKY: Really. When? I haven’t been there for them, Nikolas. I mean, Cam has a few vague memories. To Aiden, I’m just a face on a computer screen. And the worse thing is, part of me just wants to run. I just want to get out of here before this darkness or whatever the hell is in me corrupts Jake. How sick is that?
OMG, WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? It was bad enough when the writers realized they couldn’t pull off multiple personalities again and just invented a bullshit darkness “diagnosis” for Luke. But now we’re expected to believe the bullshit is hereditary? Continue reading
I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.
You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.
Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading
Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?
Also, consider the following:
– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?
– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*
– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?** Continue reading
Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…
General Hospital 2011
STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.
KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!
ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do. Continue reading
It’s become such a chore to watch this show, you guys. I mean, even when they manage too sneak in a few moments of non-complete misery, it’s still pretty damn bleak.
Oh, look! Robin filming home movies with Patrick and Emma… because she thinks she’s about to die and is planning on skipping town without telling them immediately after Christmas is over. And hey, Sam and Jason are having a quiet holiday together as newlyweds… in their apartment empty of decorations because they’ve both been too busy dealing with her rape and possibly impregnation by a serial killer. Um, Merry Christmas?
And, of course: Dante and Lulu got married! In a nearly empty church! Because even though these are two of the most well-connected characters on the canvas… well:
LULU: I’m just wondering why it has to be tonight. Why can’t it be New Year’s eve or, like Valentine’s Day?
DANTE: Because we’re here, now, in the most amazing city in the world at Christmas time. What is better than that?
Oh, I don’t know… maybe having your family and friends in attendance? Then again, considering how unpleasant most of their friends and family currently are, who can really blame them for deciding to ditch the whole lot of them?
OH, WAIT. I CAN. Continue reading
Today, I successfully drove to work without killing any children. I know! I’m awesome and clearly deserve some kind of medal. At least, I’m assuming that’s the new baseline for SUPREME HEROISM judging by this preview:
On the other hand, I did need two glasses of wine just to get through yesterday’s episode, which — as you must know from watching Lulu down single glasses of wine while ominous music plays in the background for the last month — means I’m a total alcoholic.
For someone who’s really concerned about complete truthfulness in all relationship matters, Lulu’s also spending an awful lot of time lately lying through her teeth to Dante about wanting to marry him. I had some sympathy at first; he was in the hospital and his mother basically acted like getting engaged was his only reason to live… but it’s been WEEKS of her staring sadly at glasses of wine while he gives her potential outs and she still won’t even engage on the issue and I’m thiclose to reaching through the television and bashing her brains in. Continue reading
Don’t you just love how — according show logic — Lexi Ainsworth is too young for sexytimes, but Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesey are apparently too old for anything other than hotflashes and campiness? Ah, the truncated lifespan of viable soap women.
I’ve heard different rumors about the reason for LA’s departure from the show. If the intent is truly just to age Kristina into a less-skeevy relationship with Ethan, I think it’s a mistake. Not because Kristina doesn’t currently look (and act) way too young for him (she does, IMO — sorry Ethina fans!) but because despite that fact, the actors still have a nice chemistry together. And if the writing would just support a slow burn, platonic friendship instead of this immature, school girl, stalker crush, I think the rest would sort itself out in time.
In fact, Ainsworth has a nice chemistry with most of her extended family and it’s a shame to lose that. I’ve always liked her with Michael and Molly, wished I could see more of her with Dante, and when Sonny and Alexis were both in tears during his good bye speech at the party, it was hard not to see that as Maurice Bernard and Nancy Lee Grahn’s genuine bittersweet reaction to losing their on-screen daughter.
They did give her a nice send off, at least. Whatever behind the scenes drama is driving this, the mixture of pride, separation anxiety, and excitement over new possibilities opening up that comes with a child leaving for college was handled fairly well. Which makes me all the more irritated that apparently Krissy will last all of a couple of months at Yale before SORASing her way back into town, not having had the time to realize any of that potential.
Then there are the other, even less fortunate consequences of this story: Continue reading
Today, while Lucky literally fell asleep waiting for something to happen in his plot — I sympathize, Lucky! truly! — his father and brother were busy destroying more of his childhood for no other reason than (I can only assume) everyone who writes this show actively hates everyone still watching it:
LUKE: Ethan, I disrespected my marriage with Laura over and over again. It wasn’t a secret I kept from her. She knew about it. But she wouldn’t kick me out. Not completely.
ETHAN: Right. Guess that made running away easier?
LUKE: It made me feel like I was loved unconditionally.
ETHAN: That is a powerful gift. One that you abused over and over again.
LUKE: Because I didn’t want to feel like a fly trapped in amber. And if you’re lucky, maybe one day you’ll find the same thing.
ETHAN: That has to be one of the worst things you have ever said to me.
I don’t–I can’t even… What? Why? Didn’t we just have this conversation? Continue reading
Home sick today and lacking the energy to properly rant. But some things just shouldn’t be allowed to go unchallenged:
LULU: Yeah, but then she realized that trying raising a son on the run is not the best idea, so she convinced dad to settle down and–
ETHAN: Live small. Something Luke is fundamentally incapable of.
LULU: And then I came along and she was more determined than ever, and as much as she tried to make it feel like a home, dad always felt it was a cage.
ETHAN: Yeah, it’s kind of a no win situation, I think.
LULU: She was trying so hard to do something that was never going to happen. I think that’s what eventually broke her.
Um, revisionist bullshit says what? First of all, I wasn’t aware that the reason for Laura’s breakdown was now considered a mystery.
Look, Lulu: Lord knows I can’t blame you for trying to repress what really pushed your mother over the edge; that story was a clusterfuck of stupidity. But if I have to remember this crap, then so do you. So unless your issues with Dante include the retconned realization that you accidentally killed your step-father’s mistress years ago, leading you to kill him in a psychotic fugue state… I think you’re safe.
But no, you and Ethan are right! Poor old pathetic, weak, fragile, no-fun, wet-blanket Laura totally held Luke back and ruined his life by tying him down into a nightmare of fatherhood and suburban responsibility. And when she finally realized that it wouldn’t work, she lost her mind! I mean, Luke was calm and resigned when he finally chased her down to sign the divorce papers, while she desperately stalled for time, pretending not to have a pen and reminiscing about the horrible past he had hated so much…
Oh, wait. Continue reading