To Tracy Angelica Quartermaine, with love.

I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!

Tracy’s got her entire family (sans Jason because… Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:

TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my father’s shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I can’t do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: I’m leaving.

Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

Another day, another reason not to care.

It’s so hard to care about anything on this show right now, you guys. Like, I really tried to care about Luke’s last episode? But since it was basically an interminable Luke/Sonny circle jerk — actual dialog from Luke to Sonny: “Port Charles is going to need you now” (!?!?) — with no tribute montage and no last scene with Laura because Tony’s Geary’s issues matter more than viewer satisfaction, I wound up feeling more irritated than nostalgic.

But if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that I’m always here for a good Morgan tell off:

Morgan and Ava caught in the act

MORGAN: I do care about Kiki, okay? The last thing I want to do it hurt her.
SILAS: Then you never should have gotten back together with her! You never should have claimed to care about her! You never should have asked her to trust you when you were so clearly unworthy of her trust. You are a selfish, shallow, horny little brat, and you deserve to be screwed over the same way you’re screwing over my daughter.

Of course, Morgan being Morgan, he stayed apologetic for roughly 2.5 seconds before getting self-righteously angry and blaming his bullshit on everyone by him. But, hey! At least Silas got to go out on a relative high note!  Continue reading

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading

A picture is worth a thousand dubious eye-rolls.

Hey, good news, guys!* The writers finally, finally decided to give us a reason for Nikolas’ decision to viciously betray every person he’s ever loved! And that reason is… money. He’s literally just doing it for the money. So stop your whining, whiners! Everything makes perfect sense now.

Nikolas confession

Yes, it turns out running a brainwashing/resurrection clinic is surprisingly expensive. It seems like they could just throw a patent on that machine that brings people back from the dead, but what do I know about business? Clearly nothing. And sure, Nikolas still has enough funds to buy millions of dollars worth of stock in cash, but he is totes destitute now, y’all. What else could he do — sell off a few castles? Take over some other company that wasn’t owned by his dead wife’s family and didn’t require him to let his own cousin think her husband was dead? That’s all clearly crazy talk. Continue reading

You’re breaking my heart here, Quartermaine.

Okay, you know what? I am glad to see Laura, and even gladder to hear she might be sticking around for a while. But for the LOVE OF GOD, can Tracy please stop being the romantic whipping boy of Port Charles? Please?

Tracy and Dillon

TRACY: I believed him. From the bottom of my soul, I had faith that Luke and I would prove all of you wrong. That our love would outlast all the naysayers. But he didn’t love me. He never did. Nobody ever did.
DILLON: Are you kidding me? I love you. You are the strongest, smartest, bravest woman I have ever known. You are my mom and I love you. I always will.

That Jane Elliot is killing it with this material should go without saying. She is a master at playing both Tracy’s hard outer shell and the vulnerable loneliness it hides. But I am just so deeply bored by yet another story where Tracy’s feelings get thrown in the dumpster because Luke won’t include her on his adventure. Continue reading

Monday recap: the bored and the boring.

Delia makes a grand entrance at the PCPD, promising to clear up this Ava/Denise idiocy. If only that were actually true and this wasn’t clearly going to drag on for months of bad accents and tacky wigs!

Anna and Sloane

Anna can’t believe that Nikolas could be the one behind the election tampering. Sloane, sounding like he’s channeling the writers’ room, asks if it’s really so strange that he would be following in his family’s footsteps. Continue reading

Happy birthday, baby.

Well, folks, it’s hard to believe it’s been another year already, but here we are. So, happy birthday, General Hospital! Even though I complain sometimes — sometimes a lot — I’m glad you’re still around.

Old credits

We open this year’s anniversary episode on Luke standing outside the old Elm Street house — which is way more intact than I expected, considering a bomb went off in the basement not that long ago. I am seriously starting to doubt Jason’s qualifications as a demolitions expert, you guys. Continue reading

The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point.

Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

Jagger and Steve Hardy

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Whatever, Hardy. Continue reading

What a twist!

No, I don’t mean the big Bill reveal at the end. I’m talking about the surprise twist that the combination of Sonny, Julian, Franco and Ava forced to spend time together is actually… not terrible? Like, I legitimately guffawed more than once while watching Sonny’s pained expressions as Ava and Franco bickered in the back seat.

Sonny is pained

The face I normally make when Sonny talks

We are talking about three characters I normally can’t fast forward through fast enough, and one who is useless when not half naked and ripping clothes off of Alexis. And yet somehow, together, they don’t suck quite as much. I know! No one was more surprised than me! Continue reading