Tracy Quartermaine, get down with your bad self!

Okay, Sam was in some serious, no bullshit truth-telling mode again today. And my girl Elizabeth was in the thick of it, and I have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about wanting them to stop fighting and braid each other’s hair and tell Jason to fuck off and ride off into the sunset together. But! Hard as it is to believe, there are actually non-baby swap things happening on the canvas and I’m going to talk about them, damnit!

So first off: MAAAAAATTTT!

I mean, I knew Jason Cook was leaving, so Matt’s departure wasn’t really a surprise. But I was kind of hoping he would leave the country to escape legal repercussions and “nobly” free Maxie from their marriage. Maybe join Noah at Doctors Without Borders? I don’t know. Just something, anything other than the one murder that actually gets solved and punished in this town being the only one that was completely justified and accidental. Ugh.

But at least this means the Saga of Lisa Niles is finally over? I hope? If that was actually the last time we’ll see Matt, I do wish Elizabeth could have at least gotten a good bye. But Matt and Patrick got a nice, emotional moment of brotherly affection and respect before he left. And as always, the kicked puppy look on Spinelli’s face after hearing Maxie planned to stay Mrs. Hunter was joy itself.

So long, Matt Hunter! You never got half the story you deserved, but I enjoyed you all the same. Continue reading

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Look at your life, Todd Manning. Look at your choices…

… because they are always TERRIBLE.

So, baby swap! I know it’s an overused cliche on soaps in general, but General Hospital actually hasn’t done a good old fashioned swap story in a long time, and I would be fully on board with this one going down, except… enough with the dead babies, already! Seriously! We just got past Starr in shriek and cry mode 24/7 and now we’ve got to go straight into Sam — and then, presumably, Téa? — doing the same? DO NOT WANT.

And I wish they could have had Heather engineer the switch without making Todd complicit. Not because it’s out of character. But, damn. This is going to hurt bad when the truth comes out:

TODD: I know what it’s like to have something inside of you that needs revenge. To hurt the people that have hurt you. But that’s how I felt about Victor, and look where that got everybody. Let’s do better, huh? Right? Let’s be people who don’t do things that they later regret.

Killing me! He is killing me with all this mature retrospection piled on top of seeing Sam grieving over “her” baby’s corpse and not confessing the truth to her immediately. Todd! Stop being a freaking soap opera character and actually do the thing that makes sense for you to do! Argh! Continue reading

Main characters who AREN’T sociopaths? Are you sure this is General Hospital?

At some point, I’m assuming the novelty of the writers actually doing the things I want them to do will probably wear off. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep on getting way more excited than I probably should be about little things like this:

MAXIE: You wanted to know the truth? Surprise! The truth sucks, Matt. You know, I went to Anthony Zacchara for help and he killed someone! Which makes me an accessory, or at the very least, it means that I am involved in the murder of an innocent woman.
MATT: No, I don’t buy that. I think that Anthony was going to pin this on the first mate all along.
MAXIE: Well, we’ll never know, will we? But the first mate is dead.

THANK YOU! Was that so hard? I’m mean, I’ve only been waiting for Maxie to show some basic awareness that she’s responsible for an innocent woman’s murder for what–half a year? I mean, damn.

I did appreciate the attempt to mitigate her responsibility by implying that Anthony would have set up the first mate anyway (because… why, exactly? I guess maybe just to keep the police from suspecting him?) even if that’s kind of a load of crap. But the issue’s at least been acknowledged, and Maxie’s no longer acting like what she did was not sort of monstrous and I’m easy enough to let it go at that. Continue reading

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer HELL CLOWN.

You know, up until now, my interest in everything about this “Steve’s a murderer!” story has been pretty much zero bordering on Zzzzzzzzzz… sorry, I dozed off trying to think of a word to convey the strength of my not caring about Steve.

But you guys, Heather Webber is my new girlfriend! I mean, I already loved her, because, you know… Heather. Today, though, she really outdid herself. Because just when I was wondering how Steve could be even more boring when he wasn’t even on screen, things took a turn for the AWESOME. Yes, that’s right: Heather pulled out her signature maniacal grin, served up some special iced tea, and rid us of Maggie’s painful overly-precise enunciation once and for all!

HEATHER: You really shouldn’t have called me crazy.
MAGGIE: *FLOP*

My love for that moment cannot be textually rendered, y’all. I had to rewatch the FLOP like five times in a row before deleting the episode. It was that amazing.

Even more amazing? Despite my disappointment in the on-going Johnny/Konnie shenanigans — and more on that below — the rest of the show has been pretty much ON FIRE these last few days. Continue reading

Sadness. In picture form.

I’ve been trying to compose a post about Robin’s funeral for days now, but it’s hard to type while CRYING HYSTERICALLY. And hard to be coherent when all I really want to do is point at pictures of Jason Thompson and flail.

I mean, look at this:

*FLAILS*

So anyway, I’m just going to use this post to document all the moments that broke me the most. You know… for posterity. And further crying.

OFFICIAL TOP TEN HEART-BREAKIEST PARTS OF ROBIN’S FUNERAL Continue reading

In which I climb onto my soap box a little.

Before I get to the ranting, there are three pieces of good news:

1) Rumor has it that as of this writing, we have seen the last episode with Garin Wolf and Shelly Altman as head writers.  Expect another gleeful post this evening if Ron Carlivati’s name pops up in the credits today.
2) Even with the aforementioned duo at the helm, the show still managed to pull of a holiday episode where no one was shot or raped! (Readers, I was flabergasted.)
3) And Grandma Anna’s back!

Taking that last first: yay, Anna! Even if I know she’s back for a story I’m going to hate, it’s still nice to see Finola Hughes’ delightful, toothy face hugging Robin. I didn’t even grit my teeth too hard at the recurring “Anna doesn’t want to be a grandma” joke this time! (Mostly because they managed to tone down the “Grandmothers = Old Women = DISGUSTING” implications. Yay, restraint?)

It also doesn’t hurt that she and NuEmma (who still cannot stop smiling during all her scenes) are totes adorable together:

And aside from Anna, the rest of the Valentine’s Day show featured some actual, old school romance from a couple who seem to enjoy one another’s company: Continue reading

They giveth and then they taketh away. While kicking you in the face.

If nothing else, the last week or so has proved what an incredibly easy soap viewer I am. (Not that there was really any doubt, but still…) Because even after all the virtual ink I’ve spilled lately bitching about the sad state of the Spencers, all it took was a couple of much needed apologies to have me sniffling like a baby.

First up: Ethan!

ETHAN: I realize I’ve been more than a little judgmental where you and Lucky are concerned. Basically, I’ve been an ass. In total violation of my principles.
ELIZABETH: You have principles?
ETHAN: Yes, I do. Live and let live. So I have no right to comment or even criticize your relationship with Lucky. I am truly sorry.
ELIZABETH: Oh, well I accept your apology. However, most of what you said was valid.
ETHAN: Not the way I said it, though. Look, I wasn’t here for what you and Lucky went through, for most of it. And when I showed up late to the party I just started running my mouth, so…

Wow. Um.. has Ethan been reading the blog? Because that was pretty word for word what I wanted to hear from him. First, he offers to come play fun uncle with Cam, and then he sincerely apologizes for acting like the world’s foremost expert on all things LL2, and then–then! He admits that he hasn’t gotten to know Elizabeth very well and she might actually be more fun than he thought. (Can these two be besties now? I would really like to see more friendships on this show.)

I would also like for Ethan to be involved in anything other than Cassandra. Who is apparently an amnesiac ASSASSIN now, because sure, of course, why not? (What I want to know is: does she kill people by trapping and talking at them in pretentious, dead-eyed monologues until they off themselves out of desperation to escape the droning horror? Whatever, I can’t even deal with the stupidity of that right now. Expect more of a rant later. FREE HELENA!)

Now, if only Ethan could have a similar revelation about his lack of understanding, re: Luke and Laura, we’d be golden. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2011

Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…

General Hospital 2011

STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.

KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!

ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
ELIZABETH: What?
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do. Continue reading

And the exodus begins…

Don’t you just love how — according show logic — Lexi Ainsworth is too young for sexytimes, but Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesey are apparently too old for anything other than hotflashes and campiness? Ah, the truncated lifespan of viable soap women.

I’ve heard different rumors about the reason for LA’s departure from the show. If the intent is truly just to age Kristina into a less-skeevy relationship with Ethan, I think it’s a mistake. Not because Kristina doesn’t currently look (and act) way too young for him (she does, IMO — sorry Ethina fans!) but because despite that fact, the actors still have a nice chemistry together.  And if the writing would just support a slow burn, platonic friendship instead of this immature, school girl, stalker crush, I think the rest would sort itself out in time.

In fact, Ainsworth has a nice chemistry with most of her extended family and it’s a shame to lose that. I’ve always liked her with Michael and Molly, wished I could see more of her with Dante, and when Sonny and Alexis were both in tears during his good bye speech at the party, it was hard not to see that as Maurice Bernard and Nancy Lee Grahn’s genuine bittersweet reaction to losing their on-screen daughter.

They did give her a nice send off, at least. Whatever behind the scenes drama is driving this, the mixture of pride, separation anxiety, and excitement over new possibilities opening up that comes with a child leaving for college was handled fairly well. Which makes me all the more irritated that apparently Krissy will last all of a couple of months at Yale before SORASing her way back into town, not having had the time to realize any of that potential.

Then there are the other, even less fortunate consequences of this story: Continue reading

Terror BOREDOM on the high seas!

Oh my GOD, get a grip on your libidos, PC doctors! You’d think this was an overnight cruise and not a three hour tour. I mean, if it was a huge party and a couple of people slipped away for some nookie, that would be one thing. But when there are only six of you, it’s just… obvious and awkward.

(I’ve been trying to imagine a situation where I would be at a tiny gathering of CO-WORKERS and just… slip away for several hours of public nudity and sex in an enclosed space where any one of them might walk by. Also, a situation where I would ever think that skinny dipping in upstate New York in October would be a good idea.

DRAWING A HUGE BLANK ON BOTH, JUST SO YOU KNOW.)

And you know, usually, Matt’s persecution complex and endless, whiny neediness makes me roll my eyes, but when four of the five other people present at a party that’s supposed to be in his honor can’t even manage to make him the center of attention the time it takes to tour Port Charles harbor (much less even stay in the same room with him. Or warn him when a homicidal maniac is wandering around, Patrick) then maybe the kid’s got a point.

Poor Drunk!Matt. That lamp is seriously his only friend. Continue reading