Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

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Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

The Guza is strong in this one.

Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.

Carly and Sonny in the chapel

Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now. Continue reading

This week on… oh, who cares?

Just for a change of pace, I wanted to talk about the one story line I don’t actively hate right now. Unfortunately, Brad and Lucas seem to live in some sort of time bubble that only allows them to appear for one day every other month, so we’re stuck with the rest of this mess instead.

Hayden and Nikolas2

Hayden and Nikolas3

Hayden and Nikolas are now going on a cutesy flirty dates at the Floating Rib! I have so many questions about this development. Like what hair color is Rebecca Budig using, because it really looks fantastic! Also, why doesn’t Hayden seem concerned in the slightest about her lack of memory? Oh, and we seriously supposed to be rooting for a romance between an amnesiac nymphomaniac and the man who had her shot in the head? Continue reading

About a boy…who is in need of a punch.

Once up a time, there was a character named Spinelli. Or the Jackal. Or Assassin of the Internet. Or Doucheface, if you’re listening to the side commentary from my living room.

For yes, brave Spinelli was a bit of a doucheface. It wasn’t his fault exactly. The writers just delighted in keeping him an entitled, incomprehensible, nick-name giving, mob-worshiping, out of touch with reality ass-toad.

Spinelli annoying

But little by little, he started to become a real boy. The nicknames became manageable, the entitlement dropped, the smug lectures about morality while working for the mafia disappeared. By the time he left, the narrator didn’t actually hate his guts anymore. It was a General Hospital miracle! And then he came back. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Merry Krampus, everyone!

I’m stuffed with cookies and good spirit, so we’re doing a recap! We open on the hospital, where Nathan is wearing an adorable bib and little white socks to eat his Christmas Eve ribs. Maxie calls from Portland, looking more festive and fresh faced than I ever am after a cross country flight.

Maxie and Nathan phone

But she apparently got bumped to first class on the last minute Christmas Eve flight she was somehow able to afford, despite not having had a job in over a year. Because these are the kinds of things that happen to soap opera people.  Continue reading

Wherefore art thou, Johnny?

Welp. Those five seconds it looked like maybe this latest incarnation of Johnny Zacchara wouldn’t be a gigantic failboat sure didn’t last long. It’s a little ironic that one of the only characters I consistently liked during the Guza era is one of the ones I’ve hated most during the Carlivati era, but here we are.

Carlivati’s Johnny exists solely to make Sonny look good in comparison — as if there are enough Machiavellian mob takeover schemes in the world to ever make me forget what a raging douchebag this guy has been for the past 15 years:

Sonny cries

NO DICE. HIS TEARS GIVE ME LIFE.

To be fair, Guza’s Johnny characterization was a little schizophrenic, too. Remember when they introduced him with all these warnings about how he was this CRAZY and OUT OF CONTROL!!!! daredevil who spent all his time jumping off bridges? And then almost immediately decided to make him a sensitive, brooding, classical piano playing, genuinely nice guy who respected women and didn’t really want to be a part of the mob? Good times. Continue reading

Songs in the key of crazy ladies.

If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.

But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.

Jason has facial expressions now

Liz snark

ADORABLE SNARKY BABIES

You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. Continue reading