Corinthos down!

Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.

Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.

kiki-still-cant-cry

not pictured: believable crying

Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.

Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading

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There’s no joy in Mudville, kids.

Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?

Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:

Julian gaslights Alexis

ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.

I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

The Second Coming of Jason Morgan is here!

Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.

Sonny threatens Ava

She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!

Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.

Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is.  She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Continue reading

At least some plots are kind of moving?

It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?

Nina and Franco slaughter fest

Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.

Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot. Continue reading

First of all, how dare you.

If you’re wondering about that sound you heard the other day, it was the last piece of my soul dying when Michael introduced himself as “Michael Corinthos.”

But no one can escape the mob these days! Not even Milo, who we’re casually told flunked out of that boring old civilian life. Well, I’m sure Epiphany won’t mind dating a low level flunky for the same organization that got her only son killed! Good luck to those crazy star-crossed kids.

Sonny hospital

Meanwhile, Maurice Bernard gave a fascinating interview, in which he opined on the subject of the oppressive manpain our poor heroic Don must endure every day of his terrible, horrible, no good life of… incredible wealth, loving family, and the slavish devotion of an entire town: Continue reading

The Guza is strong in this one.

Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.

Carly and Sonny in the chapel

Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now. Continue reading

This week, on the hypocrisy Olympics…

This was a tough one, guys. I mean, we had a week full of Michael saying in one breath how wrong it would have been for him to kill Sonny for shooting AJ, and in the next that they absolutely had to kill whoever shot Sonny. We had a week full of everything that came out of Elizabeth’s mouth.

We had a week of Carly — who was once so afraid other people would judge her an unfit mother that she committed a whole slew of crimes against his father and basically kicked off this whole mess — saying things like this:

Carly vs Ava

AVA: It isn’t for you to say. I’m her mother.
CARLY: Just because you can perform a biological function doesn’t make you a mother.

Yeah. That happened. Continue reading

This week, on All Sonny’s Children…

All of Sonny’s kids are back in the fold and they all just love him so much! Isn’t that just great? Wasn’t your heart just warmed? Don’t you not in any way feel the urge to primal rage scream multiple times an episode?

(Look, I’m aware that I’m in danger of becoming a broken record here. But then again, so is the show. So I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.)

Michael forgives Sonny

Sonny is forgiven

MICHAEL: I’m sorry, for, uh–
SONNY: I’m the one who’s sorry, buddy.
MICHAEL: It’s fine, it’s over, you know we both messed up.

Yes, you both messed up! Sonny killed a man in cold blood and you, Michael, had the temerity to be angry about it. Those are definitely equivalent crimes! Continue reading