What is this, a soap opera?

Am I crazy or did this episode actually feel like a soap opera? We got a mix of hijinks and emotional conversations about feelings, team ups between unlikely allies, vets actually getting to do stuff… I mean it wasn’t a masterpiece, but it at least met the bare requirements of competence? My bar is set real low these days, people.

Outside Kelly’s, Julian is trying to convince Alexis to take a drive with him when Kristina walks up. She wants to know what’s going on. Your mother is making poor life choices, little K. That’s what’s going on.

Hayden’s in the Q living room, confessing her doubts about parenthood to Curtis while Finn eavesdrops. Curtis wonders if she’s worried about being a good mom, or just worried she doesn’t want to be a mom at all. I wonder why she’s living at the Quartermaine’s. Is Monica saving money at the hospital by paying her in room and board instead of a salary? Continue reading


Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)


Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

Finn meditates

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading

How many characters can NOT die in one episode?

Sadly, the answer is ALL OF THEM. I know it seems like it would be impossible for not even one terrible, useless, scenery-chewing idiot to die during this snoozefest of a sweeps, but friends, I regret to inform you that they are all still woefully, tragically alive.


Yes, even Kiki, despite the efforts of the slowest EMT response in history. Seriously, it took so long for her to get to the hospital that Morgan had time to go the police station, have a huge hissy fit and get arrested, get sprung by his shrink, and still make it to the hospital before Kiki did. Someone in Port Charles clearly wants her dead as much as I do. Unfortunately that person isn’t one of the writers. Continue reading

Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Continue reading

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion

Elizabeth and Lucky reunion2

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie. Continue reading

Night of a thousand Carlys!

Another year, another anniversary, another recap. Before we get into it, I’m calling a moment of silence for Television Without Pity. Here’s to you, TWoP: there was a time when posting on the GH forums was the only thing that got me through some very boring days. We’ll always have our memories. And Demian’s magnificent Charmed recaps.

Onto this recap! We open in black and white, on a picture of Steve Hardy and other notables from GH’s past, hanging on a wall in the hospital.

Steve Hardy portrait

A ghostly voice over the hospital intercom pages him, Alan Quartermaine, Jessie Brewer, Rick Webber, Jeff Webber, Leslie Webber, Noah Drake, Amy Vining, and Tony Jones as we pan across the empty hospital. Well, this is probably going to be emotionally devastating.

Right on cue: color and people return to the screen as Monica steps out of the elevator, telling us in voiceover that even though she’s dealt with death so often as a doctor, it never gets easier when it’s a loved one. Well, Monica would know. She’s had enough practice. Continue reading

Ride ’em, Davis girls!

Maybe it says something about me that I was 100% more entertained by the last two days of Ava kicking dead bodies and playing mind games with off-his-meds Sonny than I was by all the previous endless weeks of gazing at Silas with tortured doe eyes.

Or maybe it just says something about Maura West’s strengths. (Hint: those strengths aren’t dropping cryptic hints about a tragic past that she refuses to explain.) In any case: give me evil Ava any day, because she’s kind of awesome. And give me Silas out from under her drama, because then he busts out looks like this and I forget for a second to be sad we’re never getting John McBain back:

Silas smile

Sam’s nonplussed but cautiously pleased reaction to the thought of a normal date? Kind of adorable. See also: her attempts to butt into her mother’s love life: Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2013: Day Three

On the final day of the Nurses’ Ball, I spent most of it curled up in a little ball of contact embarrassment, because I have a really low second-hand humiliation threshold.

But Liz’s hair was still pretty, Lucy wore my second favorite of all her dresses, and Epiphany and Doctor Obrecht — whose first name is Lisa, I just learned while Googling, and that seems too weirdly common (and American) name for her, so let’s never use it again — pretty much saved the day.

Lucy's white dress

But let’s start of with the CHEAT OF THE CENTURY that is not actually showing us Elizabeth and AJ’s big number. I mean, really, guys. We knew it was coming — it was one of the only numbers we knew about ahead of time! And this is how you’re gonna play it? Not cool, Carlivati.

(I am somewhat amused to imagine the reason might be that Sean Kanan and Rebecca Herbst are just both tone-deaf bad dancers… in which case: I would STILL have watched the hell out of them being awkward and terrible together, damn it!) (Especially if that meant there might have been less time for Molly’s musical stylings or Olivia’s unnecessary potshots at Frisco.) Continue reading

… and here’s to 50 more.

You guys, I think I’m a little too verklempt for intelligent commentary on today’s episode. So we’re going to mark the occasion with a straight up recap:

We open on Epiphany talking on the phone to someone named Doris about someone named Frank while an extra carries a portrait of Steve Hardy out to display in the lobby.

Epiphany and Steve

Meanwhile, Patrick is about to give the new group of interns a tour, as the Chief of Staff is nowhere to be found. Of course, that’s because Monica is right where we left her — at home fighting with Tracy. Suddenly, they both see Alan appear.

(Note that by this point, I am already crying. It just goes downhill from here.) Continue reading