Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2015: Day Three

Oh, boy. Guys, I think I went through the five stage of grief all while watching this episode. Admittedly, watching it took a while, because I kept having to pause when I got too angry. But now, having drank a bit and also watched a documentary on the Ebola outbreak for some perspective, I’m finally verging on acceptance.

Evil!Liz

So, fine. Elizabeth is kind of a supervillain now. You know what? It happens. Ask Tony Stark. And after moving through the denial and anger and the crushing disappointment that the couple I’ve loved for over 15 years just got tanked once again, I’ve decided I’m just going to be supportive.

If Liz wants to be a supervillain? Then by God, I want her to be the best supervillain she can be. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Yes, I would like some crackers with that cheese.

Anyone familiar with my love of both scenery chewing and camp could probably predict my reaction to the return of Stavros Cassadine. (Spoiler alert: that reaction was excited seal clapping.)

The man is kind of like a bag of Sour Patch Kids, you know? Sure, if you eat the whole thing, your mouth is going to hurt. But a little bit of him admonishing other people for being melodramatic while giving a speech about impregnating his ice princess with her own stolen embryo is just the perfect sugary hit you need.

Stavros happy

Robert Kelker-Kelly is a national treasure, you guys. Even if he did make the poor decision to shave his goatee of evil. And he’s clearly inspiring everyone around him, judging by Dominic Zamprogna’s hilariously over the top screaming as Lulu received her hormone injection. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2014: Day Two

On the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, there were boys in their skivvies and Eddie Maine and Elizabeth Webber wearing sexy glasses. So basically, everything was wonderful.

Magic Milo and the magic wands

Not that there weren’t a few off notes. Like… what was up with that way too long intro to Ned’s number with the wolf and the spoken word and the MAKE IT STOP, SO EMBARRASSING? Or that weird as hell moment when we were treated to FauxLuke’s inner lust monologue about Alexis, Jordan, and Kiki during his wedding to Tracy? Continue reading

Calling all Gatekeepers, past and present.

You’re probably expecting me to say something about how Shawn’s self-righteous hypocrisy. (Spoiler alert: he is terrible. Team Jordan forever!) Or about how poor Jason Thompson had to act out the heartbreaking end of his eight year relationship with an inanimate object. Or about how Nina is alive — to the shock of no one who has ever watched television before — and now being played by Michelle Stafford, which means we will literally never be rid of this effing story.

But, no. I’m afraid all of my GH-related brain cells have been much too busy screaming a non-stop chorus of NED AND ALEXIS NED AND ALEXIS NED AND ALEXIS since Friday’s episode to worry about any of that:

Ned and Alexis2

Ned and Alexis3

ALEXIS: I don’t want to talk about Tracy and Luke anymore and their love life. I want to talk about you. And yours… or lack thereof.
NED: Excuse me. I do very well for myself, thank you very much.
ALEXIS: Jax is worried that you’re not getting out enough.

OH EM GEE, YOU GUYS. I just love them and their easy teasing affection and how they know each other so well and are both obviously in touch with Jax off screen, because JAX AND NED! Best business bros ever in the 90s and I still miss their friendship so much. Sometimes, it’s the little things that make me that happiest, you know?

Also, Wally Kurth and Nancy Lee Grahn just sparkle at each other still. I love that he confided in her about the FauxLuke situation, and that she opened up about Julian and how hypocritical she feels. Basically everything about those scenes was an utter delight to me, is what I’m saying.

None of which is surprising, because I’ve always loved these two characters together (except for that weird period where he was trying to take custody of Kristina, but let’s all mutually agree to pretend that never happened). What did surprise me was how super into the Britt/Nathan scenes I found myself. And not only because Kelly Thiebaud gives great reaction face to soapy batshit revelations:

Britt's sibling

BEST WTF FACE THIS SIDE OF ELIZABETH WEBBER

But bless his little heart, Nathan’s natural awkwardness and forced delivery actually worked in this one instance, and his sad “please love me” puppy dog eyes as she walked away were really very endearing?

I’m sorry. I have a certified weakness for sibling stories, and now I kind of just want these two to bond and be besties and take on the world together.

Cute Nate

NEEDS A HUG, STAT

(After all, if anyone knows how to take a new character who’s has a rough introduction and breath some real life into them, it’s Kelly Thiebaud.)

It’s a bad sign when you’re too bored to rant.

Friends, it’s been over two weeks since I last wrote anything about General Hospital. I think that’s a new record? It’s not that I haven’t been watching. It’s just that the days have all blended together in a big boring haze of Franco and Carly bellowing, FauxLuke being gross with Kiki, pre-teen love triangles, and Sabrina and Patrick making doe eyes at each other.

AJ haunts Sonny

(I mean sure, occasionally AJ’s ghost shows up to troll Sonny. But a girl’s attention cannot be held by ghost trolling alone, magnificent though it may be.) Continue reading

The Best of S&B: What Happens in Puerto Rico, Stays in Puerto Rico

It’s been a little while since we did a retro recap. But with the 50th anniversary coming up and Vanessa Marcil on her way back for another (hopefully much better) visit, now seems like the perfect time to revisit one of the most iconic arcs from the 90s.

(Also, couldn’t we all use a little reminder of why hearing Brenda’s name used to fill us with love and not dread? Yes, yes we could.)

So, hop in your time machines, kids! Because we’re going back. Waaaaaaay back to a world of pegged jeans, enormous soap opera budgets, and the pop concert/mob mixer of the century — where secrets will be revealed, revenge will be had, hair will be flipped, and hot make out sessions will ensue:

I’LL JUST BE IN MY BUNK.
YOU KNOW, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY.

Ah, yeah. Puerto Rico, baby. To set the scene, the year is 1994:

  • Lois, Brenda, and their silent partner, Sonny, are having a big concert for Miguel’s triumphant return to his native Puerto Rico.
  • Miguel — ex-Menudo heartthrob, hospital orderly, L&B breakout star, and hair-flipper extraordinaire — has recently been reunited with Lily, his childhood sweetheart and secret baby-momma, after previously being torn apart by her evil mobster father.
  • Lois is on the rocks with Ned after discovering his double life (and second wife).
  • Sonny and Brenda have been dating for a little while and are starting to get pretty serious, but he’s still trying to hide the more illegal sides of his business from her. Because Sonny, even in the 90s, made terrible decisions. He’s also looking to get out from under the thumb of Big Bad Mob Boss and long-time Spencer enemy, Frank Smith.

Got it? All right, let’s go — we open on a long aerial tracking shot of the resort complex in Puerto Rico. It’s very pretty! And not CGI! Or a sound stage! Continue reading

Everything’s coming up Quartermaine!

If you heard a certain high pitched whine at some point during the last few days, it was probably just me reacting to the sight of this handsome, dimpled fellow on set again:

Ned and Tracy

NED NED NED NED NEEEEEEEEEEED!

Ahem. I have no idea how long he’s staying, but I want to give my heartfelt thanks to whichever staff member took my advice and kidnapped Wally Kurth. And not just because I love him or because the number of Quartermaines on the canvas could still use some bolstering, although I seriously do and and they seriously could. Continue reading