You had me at lesbians.

I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.

And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.

Parker and Kristina2

Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Bill and Luke’s excellent history lesson.

Happy New Year, everyone! This is not the year in review post, because it’s not done yet. I’m the worst. Sorry. But hey, at least we know who FauxLuke is! (Probably? Unless the last two days have been another elaborate red herring?)

Bill Eckert

But no, for real: it’s totally Bill Eckert. And I’m not fully on board, because despite Bobbie’s big smear campaign yesterday, I don’t remember him being a murderous, child-abusing womanizer? But I’m also not opposed, because this is looking like it’s going to be a completely bonkers history lesson with rogue Spencers popping up out of the woodwork, and you all know I love that crap.  Continue reading

A wish is a dream your heart makes.

There are so many New Years resolutions I could make for this show, if I had that power. I’ll be honest: at least half of them would involve Alexis getting laid at least once a week, in various positions, with Julian. Because I have PRIORITIES, obviously.

Another good chunk would involve accepting the fact that no matter how hot Silas and Sam are, John McBain is gone and he is never coming back. But whatever. I’m sure I’ll get over that some time before I’m eighty.

And while we’re dreaming impossible dreams, I’d really like my default response to the sight of Felix’s face not to be “SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.” But, you know… here we are:

Felix is insufferable

FELIX: How could Patrick be such a jerk? First, he tells you he loves you. Then he moves one hair’s breath from marrying you, then he dumps you? You know, Patrick is definitely the loser here. Karma’s gonna come and bite him in the butt, and he’s going to realize he made the biggest mistake of his miserable life.
SABRINA: Fee, stop.
FELIX: I won’t stop. And I certainly won’t sit here and listen to you defend that selfish ass.

Yes, how dare Patrick not see into the future and know his wife was alive before he made plans and promises with Sabrina! Who does he think he is, having the nerve to want to be with his recently dead wife? FLAMES. Flames on the side of my face!

(I mean, I will grant that Patrick did mess up by not IMMEDIATELY dumping Sabrina on their wedding day when she was expecting it, and instead ludicrously allowing her to get her hopes up by drawing out the inevitable for several weeks. But somehow, I don’t think that’s what Felix meant. SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.) Continue reading

Wait, what? Oh, whatever…

Normally, I’m not too fond of convoluted retcons of retcons. But when the original was as bad as the Franco Quartermaine nonsense turned out to be… I guess I’ll allow it? Especially if it means the powers that be have FINALLY realized this entire recast story was a huge mistake.

And really, doesn’t the son of Heather Webber and Scott Baldwin turning out to be a serial killer leave slightly less of a bad taste in your mouth than foisting that crap off on Alan?

Franco retcon3

Franco retcon2

(For those keeping track at home, this makes the third grown child Scotty never knew he had and the second one who turned out to be a bit of a psychotic murderer. Jeez, Baldwin. Did they not have condoms in the 70s?) Continue reading

I’m in shock, I think. In more ways than one.

Holy crap! The stars have aligned! All those continuous sacrifices to the soap gods have finally paid off! Kimberly McCullough is coming back! For real this time — with a contract and everything! (I think the subject of the email my erstwhile co-blogger sent me speaks rather eloquently to both of our reactions: “EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

I’m sure there was no way to keep news like this under wraps, but I kind of wish they could have. Because that moment when she comes on screen again and it’s clear it’s not just a drive-by visit would have been amazing. On the other hand: ROBIN, ROBIN, OMG ROBIN! So, there’s that. (Is it wrong that I kind of can’t wait to see the look on Sabrina’s face? OH WELL.)

And really, we could all probably use some good news after sitting through this:

Liz is concerned

ELIZABETH: What did you just say?
AJ: Come on. Come on, you told me the whole reason this place is called the Floating Rib is because of you.
ELIZABETH: Don’t. Don’t say these things.
AJ: Yeah, yeah, Luke couldn’t stand to see the name of the kid he killed flashing in neon. Ex father-in-law had a few too many and mowed little Jake down.
ELIZABETH: Stop. Please stop.
AJ: We-we both know the truth, don’t we? You know what you tell me late at night? And none of this would have happened if you were watching your son.

OH. MY. GOD.  Continue reading

Third time’s the charm, right?

Let’s be honest: Kristina Wagner has never been the strongest actress. She’s had a few really great moments, and skated by the rest of the time on a likable presence and good chemistry. Which is all you really need sometimes on a soap, so I’m not knocking it. Better actors by far have floundered without that magic soap touch.

Since she’s been back, it’s taken her a little while to get into the groove again — with one notable exception. But damn if she didn’t kind of rip my heart out here:

Felicia and Maxie

MAXIE: We’re in a good place now.
FELICIA: We’re in a great place. Because of you. You let me back into your life and you didn’t have to, Maxie.
MAXIE: You’re my mom.
FELICIA: I haven’t always acted like one. Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won’t waste it. My little girl. All grown up. So compassionate, so strong. You’re going to be an exceptional mother someday, do you know that?
MAXIE: I love you, mom.

(Thanks, ladies. I didn’t really want to get through the rest of my day without crying anyway.) Continue reading

I feel so conflicted right now.

This show is giving me whiplash lately. The stuff that’s bad?  So, so very bad. Wretched. Awful. Nigh unwatchable. I mean, Monica letting Franco stay in the Quartermaine mansion out of “respect” for Alan? Every single second Sonny and Shawn are on screen together? Morgan? Just terrible.

But the stuff that’s good? The question of Sam’s dad finally about to be answered? Laura and Lucy in business together? Liz and AJ? Really quite entertaining. And then, of course, there was this:

Georgie returns

GEORGIE: Oh, Maxie I’m not telling you what to do. Only you can figure that out.
MAXIE: No! You’re so much better at figuring things out than I am!
GEORGIE: I’m sorry that I can’t be there to hold you when you do decide.
MAXIE: I miss you, Georgie.
GEORGIE: I know. I miss you too.
MAXIE: It’s not fair. Why can’t you be here? I need you.
GEORGIE: You have me, Maxie. I’m always with you — maybe not right next to you, but… I’m always in your heart.

In the show in my head, Frisco is still off secretly following leads that will prove Georgie’s death was faked. You know, for reasons. (Hell, maybe Jerry Jacks has her! That’s kind of his thing these days, anyway.) Continue reading