Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean “watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them,” aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.
ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. He’s put your daughters in danger again and again and you’re going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Don’t do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.
I know, right? Any mother who’d claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasn’t got a leg to stand on–OH WAIT.
So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldn’t be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any character’s actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this one’s. Continue reading
The TiVo summary for this episode is: “Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps.” Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.
Anyway, full recap tonight! Jason’s confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Anna’s sister. Jason thinks this can’t be a coincidence!
Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I don’t make nursing schedules. Continue reading
I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!
Tracy’s got her entire family (sans Jason because… Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:
TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my father’s shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I can’t do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: I’m leaving.
Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles. Continue reading
I have been so bored with this show lately, guys. SO BORED. Valerie nearly burned to death and all we got was the world’s lamest slap fight? Sabrina and Carrrrrlos are on the run to facilitate Theresa Castillo’s maternity leave, and yet for some reason we still have to endure endless scenes of her emoting? Kiki and Morgan are a thing that is apparently happening for the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME and oh my god, who cares? No one. No one cares.
And Kristina’s big secret — that she got suspended from school for propositioning a teacher for a better grade — promised to be both anticlimactic and offensive at the same time.
Except Professor Parker is a woman, and in Krissy’s new version of events, she wasn’t so much trading sex for a better grade as making a pass at someone she genuinely thought was seducing her. Things are still ambiguous enough for them to go either way, but guys? We might be getting a gay Kristina, and that is a thing I never knew I wanted, but which I now want MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Go figure. Continue reading
A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.
General Hospital 2015
DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading
The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.
Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.
At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading
As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:
General Hospital 2014
NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.
SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.
ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?
NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading
Happy New Year, everyone! This is not the year in review post, because it’s not done yet. I’m the worst. Sorry. But hey, at least we know who FauxLuke is! (Probably? Unless the last two days have been another elaborate red herring?)
But no, for real: it’s totally Bill Eckert. And I’m not fully on board, because despite Bobbie’s big smear campaign yesterday, I don’t remember him being a murderous, child-abusing womanizer? But I’m also not opposed, because this is looking like it’s going to be a completely bonkers history lesson with rogue Spencers popping up out of the woodwork, and you all know I love that crap. Continue reading
There are so many New Years resolutions I could make for this show, if I had that power. I’ll be honest: at least half of them would involve Alexis getting laid at least once a week, in various positions, with Julian. Because I have PRIORITIES, obviously.
Another good chunk would involve accepting the fact that no matter how hot Silas and Sam are, John McBain is gone and he is never coming back. But whatever. I’m sure I’ll get over that some time before I’m eighty.
And while we’re dreaming impossible dreams, I’d really like my default response to the sight of Felix’s face not to be “SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.” But, you know… here we are:
FELIX: How could Patrick be such a jerk? First, he tells you he loves you. Then he moves one hair’s breath from marrying you, then he dumps you? You know, Patrick is definitely the loser here. Karma’s gonna come and bite him in the butt, and he’s going to realize he made the biggest mistake of his miserable life.
SABRINA: Fee, stop.
FELIX: I won’t stop. And I certainly won’t sit here and listen to you defend that selfish ass.
Yes, how dare Patrick not see into the future and know his wife was alive before he made plans and promises with Sabrina! Who does he think he is, having the nerve to want to be with his recently dead wife? FLAMES. Flames on the side of my face!
(I mean, I will grant that Patrick did mess up by not IMMEDIATELY dumping Sabrina on their wedding day when she was expecting it, and instead ludicrously allowing her to get her hopes up by drawing out the inevitable for several weeks. But somehow, I don’t think that’s what Felix meant. SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.) Continue reading
Normally, I’m not too fond of convoluted retcons of retcons. But when the original was as bad as the Franco Quartermaine nonsense turned out to be… I guess I’ll allow it? Especially if it means the powers that be have FINALLY realized this entire recast story was a huge mistake.
And really, doesn’t the son of Heather Webber and Scott Baldwin turning out to be a serial killer leave slightly less of a bad taste in your mouth than foisting that crap off on Alan?
(For those keeping track at home, this makes the third grown child Scotty never knew he had and the second one who turned out to be a bit of a psychotic murderer. Jeez, Baldwin. Did they not have condoms in the 70s?) Continue reading