“Self,” I said to myself last night, “you haven’t posted an episode reaction in a while. Let’s do one tonight.” And then yesterday’s episode featured heavy amounts of Kiki existing, Morgan’s emotional problems, and gross Ava/Paul flirtation.
So, let’s talk about Robin and Patrick’s third (fourth? Does that vow renewal after she came back from the dead count?) wedding!
You know, as sad as I am to lose Jason Thompson — and as especially sad as I am to lose him to Y&R instead of a better opportunity somewhere in primetime — it’s just such a relief that Robin is finally done being kidnapped after almost three straight years of captivity. And even if the stylists have been doing their best to soften the blow by making Patrick’s hair as awful as humanly possible lately, and even though their reunion was totally rushed, I’m also glad to see Scrubs fans getting the happily ever after they’ve been waiting for. Continue reading
A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.
General Hospital 2015
DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.
JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading
Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.
She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!
Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.
Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is. She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Continue reading
It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?
Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.
Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot. Continue reading
The good news is we got a week without Franco, Nina, Madeline or Kiki, and barely any of Ava’s wig. The bad news is… literally every other thing that happened. Hey, remember when this show dialed back the mob and the Sonny/Jason worship and got the highest ratings in years? Well, apparently no one at the network does, because we’re doing the opposite of that now.
But there was one single bright spot in this wall of suck, so I’ll start with that:
SAM: I care about my father, I care about Sonny. But the mob, the danger, the power struggle? That’s the life that I had with Jason. And I’m with you now. And I’m happy in a way that I never even thought was possible.
PATRICK: You don’t miss the adrenaline?
SAM: I don’t miss the fear. I don’t miss what Carly is going through right now, loving somebody, sitting by their side, praying that their going to live. And knowing that if they do, nothing is going to change, everything is just going to go back to the way things were. He’s gonna target his enemies before they target him… But I understand why she stays. I do. I get that she loves him. But hey — I love you. I love you, the brilliant surgeon, who saves lives instead of taking them. This is the life I want.
What a lovely, honest and mature conversation between two adults! How refreshing to see the day to day cost of living a life of violence acknowledged with emotional complexity and nuance! I hope you enjoyed that, because the rest of the week was more along the lines of this: Continue reading
Alexis is watching the coverage of Franco’s trial with a bottle of wine (hey, me too!) when Sam shows up. She thinks drinking a bottle wine alone is verging on “hot mess territory.” Um, some of us just call that “Monday,” Sam. Don’t judge.
At the hospital, Patrick catches Liz — who should only wear that shade of red, by the way — admiring her engagement ring of lies and betrayal. He offers his congratulations. When she says they haven’t had time to do any wedding planning yet, he suggests Maxie could help out, prompting a patented Elizabeth Webber “bitch please” look. Continue reading
Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?
So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.
I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them. Continue reading
On the second day of the Nurses’ Ball: Brad and Lucas got engaged and smiled at each other with such happiness on their adorable faces and it was actually quite moving? I legit teared up for a moment. I CAN ADMIT IT.
(Seriously, though: WHERE THE HELL IS BOBBIE? They couldn’t spring for one reaction shot while her son was getting engaged?)
Anyway, then Magic Milo happened, and Michael awkward tossed a briefcase filled with money on the stage and TJ made me uncomfortable with pelvic thrusting and also, there were butts. So many butts: Continue reading
As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:
General Hospital 2014
NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.
SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.
ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?
NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading
I’m stuffed with cookies and good spirit, so we’re doing a recap! We open on the hospital, where Nathan is wearing an adorable bib and little white socks to eat his Christmas Eve ribs. Maxie calls from Portland, looking more festive and fresh faced than I ever am after a cross country flight.
But she apparently got bumped to first class on the last minute Christmas Eve flight she was somehow able to afford, despite not having had a job in over a year. Because these are the kinds of things that happen to soap opera people. Continue reading