Five Things About Revenge: “Two Graves”

Oh, Revenge. We had a decent run, and then a terrible run, and then a mostly baffling run? I want to say I’ll miss you, but mostly I will miss Nolan’s suits. But hey, we’ll always have Aiden’s death face, right? (#alwaysmagical)

1. Okay, let’s start with the most important thing about the finale: Nolan and Emily did not make out even a little bit or platonically run off into the sunset together.  Which is clearly a tragedy.

Ems and Nolan wedding

Ems and Nolan wedding2

The good news is we did get a nice moment and an Ems-intitiated cheek kiss. And frankly, if the intention wasn’t to convince me Nolan is hopelessly pining for her, then both the writing and Gabriel Mann’s facial expressions really, really failed. Continue reading

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Five Things About Revenge: “Plea”

Holy crap, only one more episode to go! Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to be able to watch the finale for a week, so expect a delayed reaction to that one too.

1. Of course, Victoria’s alive after all. I actually thought she might be dead for real this time, but they wrote this finale before they knew for sure they were canceled, so I supposed it was inevitable.

Victoria's alive

Anyway, I am glad she’ll get to have a big final show down with Ems in the finale, because her remaining minions are just laughable. I mean, for God’s sake, Margaux —  if you’re going to be evil, at least be competently evil! Spilling the whole plan to Emily at the first threat of a sock beating? Weak. Continue reading

Five Things About Revenge: “Burn”

I marathoned 6 episodes of this show yesterday. It started out painful, then I sort of became numb, and by the end I was so delirious, I’d almost convinced myself I was into it? Anyway, big stuff’s afoot and the show has clearly been canceled, so I may end up doing reaction posts for the final episodes.

Nolan and Tony

1. Nolan Ross found a boy who treats him right! Since the writers are obviously sticking with the Emily/Jack endgame plan they started out with — regardless of what makes sense for the story they’ve actually been telling, not that I’m bitter or anything — Nolan ending up with a nice boy instead is really the best I can hope for. Continue reading

A brief announcement.

If you’re only here for GH stuff, then feel free to ignore this entire post. If you’re one of the five loyal readers of our Revenge and Vampire Diaries posts: I’m sorry, guys, but I’m not going to be covering either of them regularly anymore.

Caroline needs a drink

They’re just too time consuming for two shows I’m just not that into anymore, and my New Years gift to myself is not having to spend hours writing about things I’m not enjoying. Other than, you know, large swaths of General Hospital.

But I’ll still be watching! And if anything especially awesome happens, you’ll probably be hearing from me about it. Like if Bonnie and Damon finally make out! Or if Nolan and Emily finally make out! Basically, just assume you’ll be hearing from me if any interesting make outs occur.

Five Things About Revenge: “Intel”

1. Good news from the fashion front! Not only did David finally lose the Grizzly Adams beard, but Nolan wore this shirt, which kind of looks like some sort of Southwest sand sculpture and is therefore amazing:

David apologizes

He also finally got the apology he deserves. Sort of. I mean, I would have preferred more groveling and less immediately demanding a favor, but at least David acknowledged that he was wrong and should have trusted Nolan more. Which gave Nolan the opportunity to make another declaration of his eternal loyalty to Ems, and you know I am always SUPER INTO THAT. Continue reading

Five Things About Revenge: “Contact”

1. Daniel and Emily’s glorious new frenemy-ship GIVES ME LIFE. I never want them to get back together because he is still human garbage. But I’m not not into the idea of some hate sex, you know?

Daniel and Emily

2. David got to see Emily beat some guys up! Which impressed him more than clearing his name and sending Conrad to prison, apparently. If I were him, I think I’d have been a little more curious about why my semi-estranged daughter had been lurking under my GF’s hospital bed dressed like a ninja. I would also have had a stronger reaction to my GF confessing she let me believe my daughter was dead and then set me up to murder her.  Continue reading

Five Things About Revenge: “Ambush”

1. I don’t know it’s because this show has finally become a complete farce, or if I’m just happy that something actually happened, but this episode did not make me want to scream in frustration!

David learns the truth

I mean, Emily’s whole angry speech to Nolan about how she was totally going to stop lying to her father about her identity, but then he had the nerve to lie to her face? Priceless! (We were supposed to laugh at that, right? Because as long as I can feel like the show is deliberately leaning into it’s own absurdity, I can enjoy it.) Continue reading

Five Things About Revenge: “Damage”

1. I’d like to say this post was delayed due to my intense distress over certain Nolan developments. But the truth is that it’s just been a busy week. My bad.

Nevertheless: MY POOR BABY, NOLAN! That was heartbreaking in about ten thousand ways, starting with how happy and proud he was that David sought him out and wanted his support, and ending with that devastating line comparing him to his real — also abusive — father.

Nolan hurt

All right, David Clarke: I put up with you trusting Victoria for no reason and against all evidence. I tolerated you talking way too long to even see Nolan. I accepted that maybe after being wrongfully imprisoned and… whatever else you’ve been doing for last ten years, you’ve legitimately forgotten what your own daughter’s face looked like. Continue reading

Five Things About Revenge: “Repercussions”

1. Apparently the answer to “how are they going to fill the remaining episodes this season?” is DRAG EVERYTHING OUT IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE.

So, that was a total garbage episode, right? That’s not just me? Because I am seriously struggling to even come up with five different things to say when all of my feelings are a variation on throwing my hands up in the air and shouting “THIS IS SO DUMB, OMG.”

Emily makes poor decisions

EVEN NOLAN IN ANOTHER BLUE SUIT
COULDN’T SAVE IT

Look, I have swallowed a lot of implausible stuff without a qualm on this show, but the one thing I require is internal consistency. That means characters have to do things for reasons that actually make sense within the framework of the world they’re presenting — which is basically the opposite of everything that happened here. Continue reading