The Second Coming of Jason Morgan is here!

Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.

Sonny threatens Ava

She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!

Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.

Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is.  She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Continue reading

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This week, on the hypocrisy Olympics…

This was a tough one, guys. I mean, we had a week full of Michael saying in one breath how wrong it would have been for him to kill Sonny for shooting AJ, and in the next that they absolutely had to kill whoever shot Sonny. We had a week full of everything that came out of Elizabeth’s mouth.

We had a week of Carly — who was once so afraid other people would judge her an unfit mother that she committed a whole slew of crimes against his father and basically kicked off this whole mess — saying things like this:

Carly vs Ava

AVA: It isn’t for you to say. I’m her mother.
CARLY: Just because you can perform a biological function doesn’t make you a mother.

Yeah. That happened. Continue reading

Monday recap: the bored and the boring.

Delia makes a grand entrance at the PCPD, promising to clear up this Ava/Denise idiocy. If only that were actually true and this wasn’t clearly going to drag on for months of bad accents and tacky wigs!

Anna and Sloane

Anna can’t believe that Nikolas could be the one behind the election tampering. Sloane, sounding like he’s channeling the writers’ room, asks if it’s really so strange that he would be following in his family’s footsteps. Continue reading

Sweet, sweet freedom!

Well, obviously not for Shawn, who’s now joining an exclusive club previously populated solely by Blackie Parrish and Matt Hunter, i.e. characters on this show who might actually stay in prison for longer than a few months.

goodbye Shawn

And considering Matt’s offense was basically self-defense against a serial killer and Shawn still hasn’t managed to kill anyone at all (but not for lack of trying! he’s like the little hit man that could!) while Franco, Sonny, and Julian are still wandering completely free, let’s just say the PCPD justice system is chugging along as competently as ever. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2015: Day One

Rounding out a stunning streak of two entertaining episodes in a row, the Nurses’ Ball is here! Which means drama and dresses and Mutti singing her fabulous little heart out, even if the only one who truly appreciates her is fellow drama queen, Spencer.

Lucy Nurses Ball 2015

Mutti's luftballoons

The fashion portion of the evening was… a really mixed bag. Like, seldom have I seen so many attractive people dressed so universally not well? Especially when some of the actors looked so much better at the Emmys last week. Just let them wear their own dresses next time. Continue reading

Be still, my pining heart.

I’ve been totally bored with the show lately, so it just figures that something interesting would finally happen while I was away on vacation. But I’m back now, so consider this your belated, obligatory SQUEE post:

Jake Liz kiss4

Jake Liz kiss2

KISSING! SO MUCH KISSING!

You guys. YOU GUYS. How are they so pretty together? Is there a limit to how many feels one couple can give you? Is it possible for the high pitched dolphin sounds coming out of my mouth during these scenes to get any higher? (Answers: 1. Dark magic? 2. Apparently not. 3. Unfortunately for my neighbors, probably yes.) Continue reading

Okay, maybe not everything is terrible.

Look, show. I am totally down with Sonny and Julian braiding sparkly friendship bracelets for each other in prison. I am even cool with them staying reluctant frenemies now that they’re on the outside again. But Julian joining the official church of Saint Sonny is taking things a step too far. Possibly ten steps.

Thankfully, Michael’s telling off skills remain top notch:

Michael and Julian

JULIAN: Maybe I’m the lucky one. Because my son appreciated everything I did for him. Guess you can’t extend Corinthos the same courtesy, huh?
MICHAEL: I’m not sure Lucas would feel the same way if he knew you’d signed off on a hit against me. I’m not sure he’d be forgiving if his situation was remotely similar to mine. Tony Jones? Died nine years ago today in a hospital bed. Not from a bullet you fired at him when he was standing in front of you, defenseless. But we can agree on one thing. It’s none of your damn business. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Merry Krampus, everyone!

I’m stuffed with cookies and good spirit, so we’re doing a recap! We open on the hospital, where Nathan is wearing an adorable bib and little white socks to eat his Christmas Eve ribs. Maxie calls from Portland, looking more festive and fresh faced than I ever am after a cross country flight.

Maxie and Nathan phone

But she apparently got bumped to first class on the last minute Christmas Eve flight she was somehow able to afford, despite not having had a job in over a year. Because these are the kinds of things that happen to soap opera people.  Continue reading