Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

sabrinas-corpse

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

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Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships. Continue reading

CAN’T TALK. DEAD FROM FEELINGS.

I’m sorry, guys. If you were expecting some sort of intelligent commentary, you’ve come to the wrong place. I am officially lost in the land of ugly cries and flailing, because the Scorpio clan is almost completely reunited AND IT FEELS SO GOOD:

Scorpio reunion3

I mean, there’s still Mac to go, obviously, and I’m already stocking up on Gatorade so I’ll be able to survive that one. (Just try to picture John J. York’s face when he sees Robin alive. Go on. Picture it. Grab a tissue. I’ll wait.)

But in the meantime, we got Robin and Robert, and if her saying “Daddy?” in that wobbly voice or calling him her hero wasn’t enough to break you completely, then… we are very different people:

Robin Robert Reunion1

But that was nothing compared to the one-two punch of Anna and Robin laying eyes on each other for the first time in almost two years, interspersed with exactly the flashback I’d been hoping for. THANK YOU, CARLIVATI. I NEVER DOUBTED YOU. Continue reading

Is it sweeps yet?

Since I last posted, there have been so many great moments that it’s actually kind of hard to pick a favorite. I mean, can you really top Nikolas finding Robin? No, no you cannot. That was freaking magical.

Robin found1

Robin found2

Look at that! Look at how gobsmacked they both are! I’ve seen criticism that Nikolas’ reaction not joyful enough, but I think Tyler Christopher played his utter shock perfectly. And then, you know, he still had a house full of super villains and a baby to save. Continue reading

Well, that was amazing.

It seems like lately the show has two modes: things that I want to kill with fire — like, say, anything to do with Franco’s attempts at dating hijinks. Or Franco’s attempts to revive his art career. Or Franco’s attempts to use his super funny recent past as a serial killer to intimidate romantic rivals. Or–well, you get the idea.

But then there are the things that are so awesome that I can only flail madly at my computer screen. Like, say, pretty much everything to do with the Robin story.

Scrubs birthday

Robin effing Scorpio, you guys! Not giving up, even after almost TWO YEARS of captivity. Spitting on Jerry! Snarking at Obrecht! Fighting to get back to her family — but also not blaming Patrick for moving on with his life, and taking care of the baby she thinks is his. I just love her so much. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!

despair-divider

MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

Jason Thompson has always had my heart…

…but now so does Ron Carlivati.

Seriously, this was probably the single best episode of this year. And that’s following the face melting! Why, is it so good, you ask?

It’s almost impossible to count all the reasons, but here goes:

Jason Thompson's sad eye

1) The quiet grief that Jason Thompson has so perfectly executed for the last few months. This man breaks my heart with just the look in his eye. It kills me!

2) Anna and Duke together again. For reals this time, you guys! I don’t think I was ever invested in them back in the day, but the shared looks and Ian Buchanan’s clear body language change as real Duke got to me. Kudos to both actors for making that reunion a great payoff.  Continue reading

I am slow clapping you, Ron Carlivati.

For those who — like me — were clapping your hands with glee during the AJ/Faison reveal yesterday (because you were sure AJ was going to go the obvious and tiresome route of asking Michael for evidence against Sonny) but who were also scratching your heads trying to remember how he would have known Faison by sight… remember Nancy Eckert?

No, me neither!

But remember Sly, Lucky’s worm-farming cousin in the 90s? Well, she was his mom, and she had an affair with AJ, who was a suspect in her murder. And so was Faison, who didn’t kill her but paid some other dude to wear a latex Faison mask in order to give himself an alibi:

Which Robert figured out, of course. (Also, Lucy was involved with the whole mess and now I’m wondering if she’s going to be pulled into this story too. UMBRELLA STORIES ARE MY FAVORITE, YOU GUYS.)

Ron Carlivati, I bow down to your knowledge of show history, sir.

I just have to say…

Everything about this conversation delights me:

HELENA: Let me see if I understand you correctly. Somehow Faison cheated death. And then he spent the ensuing years altering his appearance so that he could assume the identity of Anna Devane’s ex-husband. […] And you uncovered Faison’s deception because a woman with LSD induced psychic powers told you.
ROBERT: Basically.
HELENA: I have one question. Where are the cameras?
ROBERT: The cameras?
HELENA: The hidden cameras. I assume this is for some tacky reality show — “The Real Cassadines of Spoon Island”?
ROBERT: Hey, I realize this kind of strains credulity.
HELENA: Strains? Credulity was annihilated even before you got the LSD and that was my favorite part! You seriously expect me to believe this fiction?
ROBERT: But this is real!
HELENA: Science fiction.
ROBERT: This from a woman who tried to freeze the world with a diamond powered weather machine?

First of all, I would watch a The Real Cassadines of Spoon Island series in a heartbeat. Also, the fact that Helena went through all that while knowing Robert was actually right makes it even more delicious. Continue reading