Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Three

Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.

At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.

Robin's speech

Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun! Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

Farewell, sweet Neurosurgeon!

“Self,” I said to myself last night, “you haven’t posted an episode reaction in a while. Let’s do one tonight.” And then yesterday’s episode featured heavy amounts of Kiki existing, Morgan’s emotional problems, and gross Ava/Paul flirtation.

So, let’s talk about Robin and Patrick’s third (fourth? Does that vow renewal after she came back from the dead count?) wedding!

Scrubs wedding kiss

You know, as sad as I am to lose Jason Thompson — and as especially sad as I am to lose him to Y&R instead of a better opportunity somewhere in primetime — it’s just such a relief that Robin is finally done being kidnapped after almost three straight years of captivity. And even if the stylists have been doing their best to soften the blow by making Patrick’s hair as awful as humanly possible lately, and even though their reunion was totally rushed, I’m also glad to see Scrubs fans getting the happily ever after they’ve been waiting for. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Exercises in frustration.

It’s been a rough couple of days in Port Charles. Franco was on screen for large portions of time, not telling Michael that Sonny murdered AJ, i.e. the one and only thing that could possible make him relevant.

Jordan was on screen, waving a gun around and not using it to shoot Shawn, even though she practically had an engraved invitation to do so.

Jordan to the rescue1

GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Shawn — whose job description is literally MAFIA HITMAN — was on screen, not getting hit with lightning while complaining that Ava is a “cold-blooded killer” and “a piece of work” because she didn’t agree to be kidnapped like a nice girl. I’m actually not sure which was more funny/enraging — the above dialog, or Sonny berating him afterward for failing to shoot the woman he’s sleeping with so he could deliver the woman carrying Sonny’s child/grandchild for execution.

(Trick question: both things made me want to rage cry until I blacked out from how much I hate both these characters.) Continue reading

Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Jason on his way!

So, Crichton-Clark is no more and the final score is: two Cassadines down, one not actually a Cassadine after all, and the most fabulous Cassadine — along with her fabulous gams — back among the living.

Helena returns

VICTOR’S AMAZING STYLIST STRIKES AGAIN

Although considering Stavros has now “died” a BAZILLION times, if I were Dante, I would have spent a little less time hugging my wife and a little more time giving him a triple tap to the head followed by a bullet in every major organ, burning the body, and scattering the ashes to the four corners. But if soap characters ever stopped to really make sure the bodies of super-villains were dead dead, 99.9% of the plot would never happen. Continue reading

Go home, logic. You’re drunk.

Robin’s back! And I have so many questions. Like who gave her that super cute haircut while she’s on house arrest? Did Victor kidnap a stylist? And I’m no doctor, but  have they tried just thawing the frozen people out at room temperature?

Because that seemed to work for Lulu. Just saying.

Robin's haircut

Other questions: were all the Cassadine family minions lost in a tragic boating accident, forcing Victor to rely on random teenage drug addicts/former angels to do his dastardly bidding? Continue reading

Finally, things are looking up!

I spent most of the last week enjoying the slightly warmer temperatures and totally delicious wines of the opposite coast, so please forgive me if this is slightly incoherent. But the show’s gotten a lot more interesting in the last few days, right? That’s not just my jet-lag talking?

First of all, Anna Devane, y’all:

Anna and Obrecht

ANNA: Faison? He deserves to be dead. No–he deserves worse. And perhaps that’s what Robert and I gave him.
OBRECHT: What are you saying?
ANNA: Maybe we let him live, so he could suffer for what he did to us — for letting us believe our daughter was dead. For taking Robin from us for two years! For those sadistic games that he played, taunting us with hints that Robin was alive when he had her! All along! For letting us live in doubt, never knowing the truth, torturing us with uncertainty. Well, you let me know if any of this sounds familiar to you. Because isn’t this what you’re going through right now? How does it feel not knowing the truth from a lie? You feel really vulnerable, don’t you? You feel ignorant at everything that’s going on. You’re at the mercy of someone who despises you. How does it feel when the shoe is on the other foot?

Is it wrong that her listing all the ways she might have killed Faison turned me a on a little? Because it if is, then I don’t really want to be right. Continue reading