Got a plot hole? Just call in a crazy white guy!

Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.

Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.


well, that escalated quickly

Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father.  And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out. Continue reading


Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)


Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Three

Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.

At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.

Robin's speech

Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun! Continue reading

This week, on Sonny’s Hospital…

The good news is we got a week without Franco, Nina, Madeline or Kiki, and barely any of Ava’s wig. The bad news is… literally every other thing that happened. Hey, remember when this show dialed back the mob and the Sonny/Jason worship and got the highest ratings in years? Well, apparently no one at the network does, because we’re doing the opposite of that now.

But there was one single bright spot in this wall of suck, so I’ll start with that:

Sam and Patrick talk

SAM: I care about my father, I care about Sonny. But the mob, the danger, the power struggle? That’s the life that I had with Jason. And I’m with you now. And I’m happy in a way that I never even thought was possible.
PATRICK: You don’t miss the adrenaline?
SAM: I don’t miss the fear. I don’t miss what Carly is going through right now, loving somebody, sitting by their side, praying that their going to live. And knowing that if they do, nothing is going to change, everything is just going to go back to the way things were. He’s gonna target his enemies before they target him… But I understand why she stays. I do. I get that she loves him. But hey — I love you. I love you, the brilliant surgeon, who saves lives instead of taking them. This is the life I want.

What a lovely, honest and mature conversation between two adults! How refreshing to see the day to day cost of living a life of violence acknowledged with emotional complexity and nuance! I hope you enjoyed that, because the rest of the week was more along the lines of this: Continue reading

Invasion of the body snatchers.

Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?

Also, consider the following:

Dante and Valerie kiss

– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?

– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*

– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?** Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

Songs in the key of crazy ladies.

If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.

But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.

Jason has facial expressions now

Liz snark


You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. Continue reading

Quick, name the character you’ve missed least!

It’s not exactly a shock to finally get confirmation that Billy Miller is coming on as Jason recast. Both because, duh, of course he is. But now that it’s official, I’d like it noted for the record that there are about a million characters I’d rather see recast than the guy who literally ate the show for 20 years straight.

(Hello, Dillon? Serena? Lucky Spencer, who has now abandoned his kids, missed both his parents’ weddings, never met his new nephew, and whose sister has just been kidnapped for the third time in the last two years alone? LUCKY, STOP DICKING AROUND AFRICA, ALREADY. GOD.)

Liz and Nik fight

So, our brief, Jason-less holiday is apparently over. Now the only question is whether or not Miller will have the right chemistry with his many, many love interests — Sonny, Sam, Elizabeth, Carly, Robin — all of whom are currently otherwise occupied. (And don’t get me wrong, I would basically chew off my own arm to get Liz away from Nik and his tragic hair, but it would be kind of typical if she and Jason finally got a good love story with him as an effing recast.) Continue reading

Studies in boredom.

Maybe I’m a soulless monster, but I just can’t bring myself to be sorry that Patrick and Sabrina’s baby is dead. I know there have been way too many dead children on this show in recent years. But I also know how annoying Patrick and Sabrina are together. (Hint: really, really annoying.) So if this means they’re not tied together forever, I’m all for it.

None of that makes watching scenes of Sabrina babbling in her wedding dress or teary-eyed Jason Thompson for the umpteenth time in the last two years actually entertaining, though. Pretty much the only part I’ve enjoyed was this:

Elizabeth comforts Patrick

ELIZABETH: When I had to tell Cameron that his little brother was gone, I completely fell apart. Fortunately, I had Lucky there with me.
PATRICK: Well, I don’t have Robin.
ELIZABETH: I know you don’t. But you have me. I can help you through this.
PATRICK: I can’t ask you to do that–
ELIZABETH: I want to.

(It says something about how much I hate the idea of Elizabeth with either of her current romantic options that I would seriously consider putting her with Patrick to be a lesser evil at this point. It’s probably not going to happen, but I still love seeing their friendship remembered.) Continue reading

It’s a bad sign when you’re too bored to rant.

Friends, it’s been over two weeks since I last wrote anything about General Hospital. I think that’s a new record? It’s not that I haven’t been watching. It’s just that the days have all blended together in a big boring haze of Franco and Carly bellowing, FauxLuke being gross with Kiki, pre-teen love triangles, and Sabrina and Patrick making doe eyes at each other.

AJ haunts Sonny

(I mean sure, occasionally AJ’s ghost shows up to troll Sonny. But a girl’s attention cannot be held by ghost trolling alone, magnificent though it may be.) Continue reading